27 Jul 04Tevanian Invests Money Wisely, While Rubinstein Spends It Frivolously.

After exercising stock options to the tune of $11.2 million and $9.6 million respectively last week, Apple Chief Technology Officer Avie Tevanian and Senior Vice President of the iPod Division Jon Rubinstein have spent their money in very different ways.

Tevanian has invested his money wisely and securely, while Rubinstein has frittered his away on extravagant purchases.

“I really just wanted to diversify my portfolio, Tevanian said. “Having the bulk of your assets tied up in any one stock is never a good idea, particularly when it’s the same company that generates your personal annual income.

“I think a lot of Enron employees who lost both their savings and their salaries could tell you that,” he added, shaking his head sadly.

Tevanian has invested his cashed-out stock options in an asset-allocated fund specially designed for his needs, as well as several secure real estate opportunities.

“I’m fortunate enough to make an extremely comfortable living,” he said, “but sound investing is a discipline that can provide rewards even to those on meagre incomes.”

“Hey, I bought a hippo!” an excited Rubinstein could be heard yelling into random rooms as he walked down a hallway at One Infinite Loop.

“Yeah, he gets here on Saturday! I’m gonna have a whole water park built for him! You’re all invited to a party when it’s done! It’s gonna be so cool!”

In the last seven days, Rubinstein has also purchased ten high performance sports cars, paid for the construction of an in-house aviary which he filled with exotic birds, and spent thirty minutes throwing ten-dollar bills off a Cupertino overpass, causing several accidents and nearly inciting a riot.

“Good thing I also bought a personal cadre of hired goons!” Rubinstein said, his fingers glittering with gold rings from beneath the cuffs of a silk smoking jacket.

“Tomorrow I’m going to be looking at some memorabilia. I’ve got my eye on the Fonz’s jacket from Happy Days and some original Spock ears. And then later I’m looking at some mummified corpses! I think they’re Incan or Mayan or Aztec or whatever.

“Who cares, right? What’s important it being known as the guy with the mummified corpses!”

Tevanian simply shook his head sadly again as Rubinstein was carried off in a chair by four coolies for his 3 PM mud bath.

No Responses to “Tevanian Invests Money Wisely, While Rubinstein Spends It Frivolously.”

  1. Eleven says:

    I claim this, the eleventh post, in the name of the Vikings.



    Sorry, I was a little early. My apologies.

  2. Dan Pourhadi says:

    Argh, I logged into the page when it said zero, but I stupidly opened another tab and started browsing :/ Oh well.

  3. UhhhDude says:

    Fourth! Right?

  4. Thomas says:

    Mud baths?


    Give me a good, old-fashioned, Cheeze Whiz bath any day of the week.

    There is just something entirely too natural about mud.

  5. lightningrod says:

    Fifth post!!! Woo!!! Wait a sec….

  6. Lightning says:


  7. lightningrod says:

    Mud baths?! Cheese whiz??! Man, that’s a waste, when everybody knows you can get 3200 G5s for that 9.6 million!!!

  8. lightningrod made out of plastic says:

    Haha! I’m non-cunductive plastic material! Just TRY to ZOT me!!! Mwahahaha!!!!!

  9. madnicholas says:

    pretty worthless lightning rod. isn’t the point to be ZOT-ted?

  10. crusty says:

    Think of the punch cards man! You could get truckloads of punch cards for that money.

    Analog computing is where “its” at!

  11. Huck says:

    OMG. I couldn’t say anything because I didn’t want to miss it, but I did it! All those years of walking old ladies across streets, picking up litter, and servicing wealthy politicians has finally paid off! Eleven, you are mine and we shall never part.

    *deep soul-rattling sigh*

    Oooh, pretty ZOTs.

  12. Thomas says:

    Congratulation’s Huck!

    But what’s with all this lightning?

  13. Marv: Bob, do you think that tonight will be the night that the MegaPost sees its 1000th post?

    Bob: It is looking pretty close, Marv, it is the home stretch now and they only have about 20 posts to go — and the competition is looking pretty fierce.

    Marv: As you know, Bob, anything can happen in the MegaPost.

    Bob: One thing’s for sure, Marv, with all the tequila, Cheeze Whiz, hmPods, Sexbots, the angry mariachi band, and the other mayhem, people are bound to have some fun.

    Marv: Bob, you think its time we went back to the MegaPost and untied those who are bound to have fun before they hurt themselve with an iFlame?

    Bob: Yes, Marv, I think we should…

  14. Anonymous says:

    Marv: You know, Bob, the megapost was really a brilliant idea by CARS.

    Bob: Gosh, everyone knows that, but how do you mean?

    Marv: Well, you know when there is a big get-together, say, on a holiday, and there is an adult table and a kids’ table.

    Bob: Sure. I can repeat something like “Cheese Whiz” a hundred times and it still gets a laugh each time I say it.

    Marv: Exactly! You could probably repeat it 1000 times. But even more important, by separating the two tables, the adults don’t have to listen to it.

  15. Toddler says:


    Mr. Bob said Cheeze Whiz.


  16. Del says:

    The MegaPost is now at 1011 posts.


  17. Randy McCarthy says:

    I don’t know how the CARS headline writer could label the purchase of a hippo “frivolous.”

    Mine provides hours of enjoyment.

  18. pran says:


  19. pran says:

    the only exercising options i have are walking or running.

  20. Huck says:

    *puts pran in a pram*

    Now you can be pramn.

  21. ipod... eh guy says:

    I KNEW it.

  22. Anonymous says:

    Adults!? Where?!

  23. bear says:

    If you mix Clausen’s Pickle Relish with Cheez Whiz, you get Pickle Whiz……

    ……..or is it Cheez Relish?


  24. Thirsty the Clown says:

    Glug! Glug!

    Hey! Maybe I can con Rubenstein into picking up my collection of Furbies. Yeah, that was a great idea!

  25. Del says:

    Only if you make them crack whore furbies.

  26. bubba says:


  27. pran says:

    mothers don’t use pramms in india, typical neo-colonialist ignorance of other cultures.