13 Sep 04Vandals Destroy Apple's Collection Of Glass Poodles.


Disturbing news from Cupertino today that vandals broke into the main Apple campus at One Infinite Loop and destroyed the company’s collection of glass poodles.

“Whyyyyyy!” cried a sobbing Senior Vice President of the iPod Division Jon Rubinstein. “Is there a god that would allow such beauty to be destroyed?!”

Many of the poodles were reportedly one-of-a-kind, blown at stands in the Westgate Mall that no longer exist.

“They don’t make these anymore,” said a shell-shocked Senior Vice President of Retail Ron Johnson, holding a poodle leg shard delicately between his thumb and forefinger. “At least not at the Westgate Mall since it went all upscale. Maybe they have them at the Vallco Fashion Park Shopping Center.

“I don’t know. I just don’t know.”

“Who would do such a thing?” asked a visibly agitated Senior Vice President of Applications Sina Tamaddon. “To destroy such beauty… surely these are the worst kinds of barbarians. I can only hope they are caught before they strike again.

“Hummels. Christmas figurines. Nothing is safe from these animals.”

Apple’s glass poodle collection was a prized corporate asset, even though none of them were actually expensive enough to capitalized as assets and were all expensed immediately upon purchase.

“Some of these very poodle pieces you’re stepping on right now were purchased by Steve Wozniak, Mike Markkula, Michael Spindler,” said Johnson.

“You’re walking on Apple history right now,” he added, shaking his head sadly.

“And I wish you wouldn’t. It’s bad enough they were broken, you don’t have to keep stepping on them like that.”

The glass poodles were reportedly insured for several hundred dollars, a fact that brought little solace to the few Apple executives who could bring themselves to witness the carnage.

As Rubinstein was led away in tears, a custodian swept up the pieces for glass recycling.

26 Responses to “Vandals Destroy Apple's Collection Of Glass Poodles.”

  1. marvo says:

    NOOOOOO!!!!

  2. Chris says:

    D’oh. I thought I’d make it first two days in a row.

    Oh, the humanity!

  3. Jon Wedaman says:

    ha… just kidding….

  4. Tim says:

    I had this dream/idea for a short where a guy walks up to a vending machine that is filled with those glass poodle kinds of thing. You know, unicorns, and all that. He sets down his briefcase, feeds a fiver into the machine and pushes some buttons. Zoom in to one of the top shelves and the coils spins and the delicate glass unicorn drops from the top to the tray at the bottom and shatters. The man looks at it for a moment then picks up his briefcase and walks away. Fade to black.

  5. Anonymous says:

    WHy sweet god why , i wonder if any glass dogcows died as well

  6. UhhhDude says:

    I TOLD Steve to stick to collecting those Happy Meal cartoon figures. At least they won’t break when you drop ’em.

    He coulda had the whole Lord of the Rings Set from Burger King proudly on display in the lobby, but noooooo. We had to have our “oodles of poodles,” as he likes to call them.

  7. Justin Herald says:

    We need to ship Apple glass poodles right now! Everyone, to show your solidarity and oneness with Apple, you must ship them one glass poodle!

  8. Bill G says:

    IT WAS ME!!!!!! I laughed as I saw those stupid gay poodle hit the floor and shatter. That will teach Steve not to license his stupid ipod to my swanky new music store.

  9. umbrage says:

    No. I am shattered into peices about the poor, little glass poodles.

    And I glad to assume that Apple’s Emmy and Grammy are OK.

  10. Anonymous says:

    I wonder if John Edwards will show up in here again today.

  11. John Edwards says:

    Abortions…Euthanasia…Homosexual Marriages… Affirmative Action! Who else is proud to be a Democrat?

  12. Anonymous says:

    Hey John E., that sounds like a good start to me. Haven’t you noticed the world is overpopulated. 3 cheers for anything that cuts the population down.

  13. greenacres says:

    After all, if you keep the population of the poor down, you won’t have to worry about Republicans being voted out of office. You just have to worry aobut them thieving their way out of office such as Illinois’s Governor Ryan. What scum…

  14. pran says:

    ram ram!!

  15. UhhhDude says:

    “Many of the poodles were reportedly one-of-a-kind, blown at stands in the Westgate Mall that no longer exist.”

    What no longer exists: The poodles, the stands, or the Westgate Mall?

    OK, I’m shutting up again.

  16. Del says:

    Hmm does anyone else find it odd that right after someone breaks into Apple and destroys all their glass poodles AtAT gets their iTunes button that they had been refused earlier.

    I think AtAT got all evil Willow on Apple and threatened if they didn’t get their iTunes link they would take away the staff’s ponies. The poodles were just to show they were serious.

  17. GLAARKU says:

    “none of them were actually expensive enough to capitalized as assets and were all expensed immediately upon purchase.”

    You see we lease the poodles back from the company we sold them to and that way it comes under the monthly current budget and not the capital account.

  18. bear says:

    iPoodle

    I was blown at a small glass shop where both my mom and dad were also blown. My creator, Giapetto, put a little tint of cobalt in my tail. I was the pick of the litter.

    When my new owner, Steve, brought me to my new home, i was so happy! We played in the lobby and I licked his face (sort of).

    Even after other poodles joined me, there were happy times getting to know all of my new friends, and we frolicked endlessly in our display case.

    Then came the day of the vandals! We were shattered to find out that all of our vaunted security measures were transparent. My friends and I were violated – yes, violated!

    Now we are ahrds of our former selves, and no amount of super glue will ever make us right again.

    Now I lay me down to……….

  19. bear says:

    …make that “shards”instead of “ahrds”

    ….or maybe not…..

  20. Anonymous says:

    “What no longer exists: The poodles, the stands, or the Westgate Mall?”

    Yes.

  21. UhhhDude says:

    Thanks! That clears it up for me.

  22. Anonymous says:

    Why would anyone blow poodles? That’s just gross. I’ve heard people say, “this blows goats,” but I’ve never heard anyone say, “this blows poodles.” Blowing goats is gross too though.

  23. GLAARKU says:

    I know a guy who, as a child, accidentially kissed a chihuahua’s penis!

    “This poodle blows, get the glass one.”

  24. fahlman says:

    Kinda the same, but different…

    I know a guy who, as a child, purposely put peanut butter on his penis so that his litter of puppies would lick his penis.

    Matt, if you’re reading this I won’t tell anybody your name, well at least your last name.

  25. Sam says:

    last post!