According to sources within Crazy Apple Rumors Site, today’s story remains entirely unwritten, potentially forcing the site to skip yet another day. The site’s spotty history of updating of late has annoyed readers and, for some reason, non-readers alike.
“If this keeps up, they’re going to get a bad reputation,” said Jack Miller of As The Apple Turns, without any hint of irony.
A slack-jawed Editor in Chief John Moltz was unrepentant, however. Scratching himself and yawning, with the opening of his bathrobe leaving all too little to the imagination, Moltz appeared to have only just woken at 2 PM.
“I’ll get to it!” he snapped suddenly when asked about today’s story. “Sheesh. Who are you… my mother?! Huh?! Are you my mother?! ‘Cause I don’t think you’re my mother!”
Highly placed sources within the site insist, however, that Moltz is unlikely to follow through on his promise to publish a story today.
“Bogus,” said an energy being, who spoke only on the condition of anonymity.
Others at the CARS top-secret headquarters concurred with the unnamed energy being.
“All I know is, he better not make up some crap about me eating it,” said Howard, a dog who has the human ability of speech.
“I’m sick of getting blamed for everything around here. ‘Oh, someone threw up on the carpet – must be the dog!’ ‘Oh, someone chewed the arms off of the couch – must be the dog!’ ‘Oh, someone did his business on my keyboard – must be the dog!’ That is so… pff… I mean… I only did a couple of those things.
“OK, I did all of them but… you know… don’t just assume…”
While some staff members expressed dissatisfaction with Moltz’s incessant micromanagement, still others expressed hunger, sleepiness, a burning sensation in the groin and an overwhelming sense of ennui brought about by the futility of man’s actions in a vast and unforgiving universe.
Also, one complained that it hurt when he jabbed himself with sharp objects and seemed to think that was somehow “unfair.”
Representatives of Apple Computer declined to comment for this story, not knowing where to begin.