14 Sep 04CARS Story Remains Unwritten.

According to sources within Crazy Apple Rumors Site, today’s story remains entirely unwritten, potentially forcing the site to skip yet another day. The site’s spotty history of updating of late has annoyed readers and, for some reason, non-readers alike.

“If this keeps up, they’re going to get a bad reputation,” said Jack Miller of As The Apple Turns, without any hint of irony.

A slack-jawed Editor in Chief John Moltz was unrepentant, however. Scratching himself and yawning, with the opening of his bathrobe leaving all too little to the imagination, Moltz appeared to have only just woken at 2 PM.

“I’ll get to it!” he snapped suddenly when asked about today’s story. “Sheesh. Who are you… my mother?! Huh?! Are you my mother?! ‘Cause I don’t think you’re my mother!”

Highly placed sources within the site insist, however, that Moltz is unlikely to follow through on his promise to publish a story today.

“Bogus,” said an energy being, who spoke only on the condition of anonymity.

Others at the CARS top-secret headquarters concurred with the unnamed energy being.

“All I know is, he better not make up some crap about me eating it,” said Howard, a dog who has the human ability of speech.

“I’m sick of getting blamed for everything around here. ‘Oh, someone threw up on the carpet – must be the dog!’ ‘Oh, someone chewed the arms off of the couch – must be the dog!’ ‘Oh, someone did his business on my keyboard – must be the dog!’ That is so… pff… I mean… I only did a couple of those things.

“OK, I did all of them but… you know… don’t just assume…”

While some staff members expressed dissatisfaction with Moltz’s incessant micromanagement, still others expressed hunger, sleepiness, a burning sensation in the groin and an overwhelming sense of ennui brought about by the futility of man’s actions in a vast and unforgiving universe.

Also, one complained that it hurt when he jabbed himself with sharp objects and seemed to think that was somehow “unfair.”

Representatives of Apple Computer declined to comment for this story, not knowing where to begin.

38 Responses to “CARS Story Remains Unwritten.”

  1. Hermes says:


  2. Sembazuru says:


  3. John Moltz says:

    I think he meant “banana.”

  4. Avacado says:


    There is a hidden misspelling in an obvious place. Who will be first to find it? Certainly not that slack-jawed editor Moltz.

  5. Avacado says:

    Hmm…I was wrong. He found it just as I posted the comment. That jaw must be tightening up.

  6. Huck says:

    I want to make the eleventh post, this has been a warning.

  7. Anonymous says:

    I want to make the 6 o’clock train.

  8. fuddes says:

    I am such a lesbian.

  9. Joscelin says:

    ::sneaks away with eleventh post::

  10. Ricky says:

    You’re fired, Moltz!

    Clean out your desk!

  11. Anonymous says:

    You may be a lesbian fuddles, but are you a ninja lesbian? I think that’s the important question here.

  12. Anonymous says:


  13. UhhhDude says:

    Yo John, keep that bathrobe tied up, willya? You’re leaving very little to the imagination. And I do mean, “very little.”

    (Yet, why am I compelled to stare?)

    And no, I’m not your mother. But you will be telling me who’s your daddy if this kind of foolishness keeps up….

  14. Adam Jackson says:

    guys, we know who howard is. dont change th stories so the new readers know who he is.

  15. Anonymous says:

    I found the hidden misspelling in an obvious place! It’s “Avocado.” Who’s slack-jawed now, eh?

  16. Brother Mugga says:

    I am. At chutspar . . . the, um, shutzpuuh . . . er . . . at the chatsp….

    Okay, I guess I’m not.

  17. Brother Mugga says:


    At the chutsp . . . the schutz . . . the choot…

    Ahhh *bugger*

  18. Mrs. Moltz says:

    John, it’s your Mother. Write the article already, or no desert for you! How many times have I told you not to procrastinate? And look at this place! Did I raise you in a pig pen?

    And why do I smell Cheez Whiz?



  19. MacStansbury says:

    As an internet pioneer my own self, I understand how difficult it is to create so much, so often. It’s like part of your soul out there. You are literally putting out your soul for all to see. And laugh at. And cuss.

    So I thought I’d give you a word of encouragement, and get some free advertising for MacStansbury.com. That’s cause my lawyer Earl, he says that it’s still legal.

    And I don’t think that was written by the real Mrs. Moltz. I mean, who writes like that? And the obvious tab-stops are soooo Worldpress, and this is on Movable Type, and there’s this font that only comes with Microsoft Word…and, I uh, and…I need some sleep.

  20. Jonathan Ive says:

    Actually, I chewed the arms off the sofa. It… it was a stressful day. But they were already a little chewed-on when I started. Thank you, Howard for coming clean about it.

  21. Ozi says:

    You know the staff member with the burning sensation in the groin?!

    My money is on Masako. 😀

    *runs for his life*

  22. Del says:

    No I think they have that old lady who spilt her McDonalds Coffee on herself working for them now. I assume that is who is meant by burning groin.

  23. Del says:

    Speaking of burning groins, my groin is burning, too.

    *runs off to mega post to see if there’s any recent spam for burning groin cream*

  24. Logitech Mx 510 says:

    With the new iMac, one would think there would be no dearth of parodic material! Come on! How come there’s been no stories about Xgrid yet? Hmm?

  25. Del says:

    Yay I’ve been impostered.

    My groin does not burn but it is hot. 😉

  26. Anonymous says:

    I am the anonymous impostor!

  27. Anonymous says:

    No I am!

  28. GLAARKU says:


  29. GLAARKU says:


  30. Winkenstein says:

    Für what it’s worth, for some reason, if you like funnyinsh things, which you probably do, since you’re reading them (dubble-funny one today Moltz), billpalmer.net has been laffy twice now in a row of days. Read the “by Willie Urwoni” stories.



  31. PoisedNoise says:


  32. Chico says:

    All I know is, if there’s some crap, then-a the dog, he’s-a eating it, eh, boss?

  33. Huck says:

    I agree with that last statement.

    I am also bitter about not getting the eleventh post.

    11 << 34, argh.

  34. Slacker says:

    This post remains unwritten.

  35. Anonymous says:

    Well I was gonna write it for you, but you posted it before I had the chance.

  36. factory says:

    I am butt