Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: Hi, I have a question about my Flower Power iMac…
A: Pffff! Ha-ha! Ha! Ooooooh, man! That’s great! Ha-ha! Flower Power iMac! Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! Whoo-hoo! Ooooooooooooh, yeah! That’s classic! Flower Power! Heh. Ha-ha! Hee-hee. Ahhhh… OK. OK. I’m sorry! Ha! Oooh… So… what’s your question?
Q: Oh, never mind.
I have a four-port USB hub connected to my 14-inch G3 iBook. It connects to my color inkjet printer, my scanner, my laser printer and another four-port USB hub. That hub is connected to four more four-port USB hubs.
A: Um… OK…
Q: Those are all interconnected to each other in a matrix fashion. Port 1 on hub A connects to port 4 on hub D and so forth.
Q: There are just… wires everywhere in here and… I’m not really sure I’m doing this right.
A: Doing what right?
Q: Oh! Oh. Summoning Gorto. I… forgot to mention the goat, but…
Q: Yes. Gorto. He… I don’t know… omniscient beast demon god… seems to dig USB… I don’t know. I read it in this pamphlet…
A: Oh. The one titled So, You Want To Worship Gorto…?
Q: That’s the one.
A: Well… are they USB 2.0?
Q: Ah… dammit. It’s always something, you know?
A: Oh, yeah. You’ll never get Gorto with USB 1.0. He’s not backwards compatible.
Q: I have an idea for a Mac-related business.
A: Ooooh, boy. Here we go.
Q: Um… well, see, I think there are a lot of Mac users who don’t really need Microsoft applications other than to read files other people have sent them and just use them sporadically for compatibility purposes. I think someone could set up a Citrix-based hosting environment and sell time on Microsoft products to Mac users who don’t want to buy the licenses. Just like the old time share machines.
A: Wh… what?
Q: I know. It’s probably stupid… But it just seemed like there are a lot of people who don’t want to buy Microsoft – Linux users, too – and this way they wouldn’t have to and…
A: No, no! That’s actually a good idea!
Q: Oh. Wow. Really? You think so?
A: Yeah. Yeah. Uh… it’s just that… we’ve never had anyone call in with a good idea here. So… I don’t really know what to do.
Q: Oh. I see. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make it difficult for you.
A: Well, it is. You’ve put me in a rather uncomfortable position.
Q: OK. Well, uh… uh… butt!
A: Ha-ha! Yeah! Butt! Ha-ha! Lesbian butt! Whoooooo! Yeah!
Q: Ooookay. Maybe I’ll just call Guy Kawasaki…