New Cube Like The Old Cube, Only More So

Driven by the cult popularity of the G4 Cube, Apple is reportedly working on a G5 hyper-cube – or hCube as it is expected to be called. The hCube will use plane-folding technology to bend space and extend itself into four physical dimensions.

While this development is impressive in that it violates many of the laws of physics, no one seems to be able to figure out how it will make the hCube any better.

“So… it extends into length, width, height and, uh, whatever the fourth dimension is,” mused Mac author Tom Negrino, sketching randomly on a pad of paper. “We’ll call it lidth. Or hength. Whatever.

“I just don’t see how that benefits me, the user. Is this just another cool Apple technology that’s going to die on the vine? Like DVD-RAM and OpenDoc and… well, you know the rest.

“And if you don’t, please look for my upcoming book on failed Apple technologies!”

Stan Ng, who has been put in charge of the hCube product line, defended the new device.

“It’s a hyper-cube!” said Stan Ng, gesturing to a test unit. “It’s just cool! This kind of crap sells itself!”

Ng demonstrated the cube’s coolness by picking it up and turning it, which caused a dizzying display of angles and perspective.

“You cannot tell me that that is not totally cool!” Ng said. “You know you gotta get you one of these!”

Ars Technica’s John Siracusa pointed out, however, that the hCube was simply an underpowered PowerMac with no room for expansion.

“You’d think that with it extending into infinite n space it would have infinite room for expansion,” Siracusa said. “But it doesn’t. It doesn’t even have an AGP slot.

“Also, the L2 cache is a measly 256k and the RAM maxes out at 1 GB. I just don’t see a market for this.”

Ng shook his head in disbelief.

“I cannot believe this! Hyper-cube, folks! I’m speaking English, here, right? It folds space! Hel-looooo?!”

The hCube is expected to be announced in time for the holidays. Price cuts will come in January, followed by cancellation in the second quarter of 2005.

38 thoughts on “New Cube Like The Old Cube, Only More So”

  1. I have been beta testing a HyperCube in n-space for a while. The hCube is way cool if, like me, you need to travel through n-space and still have quick access to all your contact lists, calendar info, etc.

    Other systems end up trashing their P-RAM and cache buffers when you cross n-space barriers, so you have to reboot at the least, often you lose data and state. That’s a total waste of time when traveling (even when your traveling through time, backtracking in time to get to a previous moment before the system crashed is such a drag).

    Also, all the sides and angles look pretty.

    (Note: don’t be tempted to go into the mega-post, souls are trapped in there and won’t get out once the exit is closed – good riddance to some of them I say).

  2. Seventh! At least in this timeline.

    Once I get my hCube, I’ll ALWAYS be First Post!

    And I’m sure I’ll see lots of the Entity as we travel the Folded-Space Transit System.

    Plus this makes it a whole lot easier to travel back and forth to the third century. I’m hunting down Bill Gates’ ancestors as we speak…

  3. Yes, Supreme Been™, YOU may follow the second link. As for the rest of us who do not insist on banishing each other into eternity, we can all enjoy the sexbots and hottubs and midgets that abound in the Mega-Post.

    *snubs nose at Supreme Been™*

  4. I also received an apple h-cube since it was teleported back to me soon after I purchased my first Apple II+. It came pre-configured as an ultra-peer gatekeeper note in an infinitly large parallel reality processing beowulf cluster. There’s this parallel reality wormhole generator at the firewire terminus, and the h-cube networks through that to other h-cubes in alternate dimensions, parallel to ours. I am so relieved I can finally begin talking about it. I…

    .,cv d


  5. I thought this would be a story how the new Cube would look like the old Rubik’s cube, and you can turn it an stuff. That would be a much cooler computer than a hypercube, even though both are so 1980s.

  6. Me, the forth dimension is part of a bridge in the UK. The _fourth_ dimension, however, is indeed time.

    Something Huck clearly has to much of as he lurks waiting for the 11th post to come…. oops.


  7. *too much

    …and that dastardly Eman got the eleventh before me anyway, so Huck can’t blame me – can he?

  8. If you can use the fourth (spatial) dimension, then who needs the third? We can use 3 dimensions (1, 2, and 4, say) but have an apparently 2-dimensional computer. Yay!

  9. Two things about this story have me up late wondering:

    (1) Shouldn’t this be the iCube? And if not, is the hcube a step forward or a step backward?

    (2) Will the next development by Stan Ng and his ilk involve the Fifth Dimension? And will that land Apple back in court over violating music roghts?

  10. I don’t know. The hmPod spews glorious amounts of booze out. It’s how we stay liquored up in the Mega Post. I wonder if a hCube would do the same?

  11. I just want to be clear…I am the inventor of the Eleventh Post™, and I have certain inalienable rights. One of them being post stacking, and another the nice parking space. And the over-use of the letter ‘U’ and the like. And wondering if that Ng is going to have his name changed to Ngiak.

    Rights, people. My rights.

  12. prior art:

    “Creation of 4 simultaneous

    24 hour days, within a single rotation of Earth, empowers

    me above all 1-day gods and

    educated stupid scientists. I

    will wager $10,000.00 on it.”

  13. Bwahah! is hilarious.

    For the record, I still blame PoisedNoise for infringing my CARS comment posting rights, despite the fact it wasn’t *technically* PoisedNoise who took the eleventh post. I can tell which way the wind blows…

    After careful consideration of past, current and future posts, I am now forced to conclude that the CARS comment threads consist almost entirely of meanies and poo-heads.

  14. “If you believe the academic erroneous word

    god, you will die stupid and evil – for you

    have not the mental freedom to comprehend

    Nature’s Higher Order Wisdom of the

    Harmonic Simultaneous 4-Day Time Cube Creation Principle within 1 Earth Rotation.

    Until word is cornered, educators are liars.

    by Gene Ray, the wisest human ”

    This guy is either the smartest human being on the planet or he needs to cut down on the crack.

    For the record, I am neither a meanie nor a poo-head. But I do have cooties. (Don’t touch!)

  15. Time is a dimension. One of 11. It’s considered the 4th dimension only because we figured it out 4th. John correctly states: “…into four physical dimensions.” Not into the 4th dimension.

    And I’m disappionted that no one has mentioned the word ‘tesseract’ yet. As the enjoyment derived from using ‘tesseract’ is the only reason to speak of something as hokey as a hyper-cube.

    Tesseract. Ah, much better.

  16. Hmmm.. tesseract makes me think of the Tom Smith song “307 ale”. It’s about beer brewed in a tesseract by students at MIT. A little bit of space gets folded so the beer is 307 proof.

    GREAT song!

  17. check out the guy is a friggin genius!

    There’s many drinks you’ll drink, me lads, on every world that’s new.

    There’s Saurian Brandy, Cranapple Schnapps, and a good old Tullamore Don’t.

    There’s Busch and Beck and Bud and Bock and others dark and pale,

    But I think you’ll find the finest kind is Three-Oh-Seven Ale.


    Three-Oh-Seven Ale, me lads, Three-Oh-Seven Ale,

    The finest drink that any bar has ever had for sale,

    It’ll lay your whole damn world to waste, it’ll make you fit and hale,

    There’s nothing that you’ll ever taste like Three-Oh-Seven Ale, me lads,

    Three-Oh-Seven Ale.

    It started out at M.I.T. one lazy summer day,

    When a couple of the frat-boy techies started in to play,

    They’d caught up on their schedule with a couple hours to kill,

    So they fitted up the cyclotron and made themselves a still.


    They added choice ingredients to brew a little brew,

    But they didn’t know the wires were crossed in Chamber Number Two.

    A tiny bit of space got folded, things were looking queer —

    They turned the spout and then came out the world’s first Hyper-Beer.


    It bubbled and it burbled and it glowed a fizzly green,

    And what it did to test equipment, frankly, was obscene.

    It took awhile to find a vial it wouldn’t burst to flame,

    Then they measured out its potency, and that’s how it was named.


    There’s many drinks you’ll drink, me lads, but this one beats them all:

    One hundred fifty-three and one-half percent alcohol,

    A beer, brewed in a tesseract, that’ll shoot you through the roof —

    And if you don’t believe me, I’ve got lots and lots of proof.

    (final chorus)

    Three-Oh-Seven Ale, me lads, Three-Oh-Seven Ale,

    The finest drink that any bar has ever had for sale,

    It’ll lay your whole damn world to waste, it’ll make you fit and hale,

    It sticks to your mouth like library paste,

    With a stronger kick than toxic waste,

    There’s nothing that you’ll ever taste

    Like Three-Oh-Seven Ale!

  18. Hey, I want to make a bad “Crazy Apple Tumors” joke before everyone forgets about the thing with Steve! Am I too late?

  19. Am I alone in being concerned that future cubes (possibly the LCube) will eventually start mucking around with the *eighth* dimension?

    I think you know what I’m saying.

    PS: Tsk, Del. It’s never too late for sick jokes. Just look at Longhorn…

  20. Somewhere deep in Bear Country

    Lives the Berenstain Bear family

    They’re kind of furry around the torso

    They’re a lot like people, only more so


    The bear fact is that

    They’re just like you and me

    The only difference

    Is they live in a tree


    The Berenstain Bears


    When things go wrong as things might do

    The Berenstain Bears will find a way through

    Mama, Papa, Sister and Brother

    They’ll always be there for each other


    The bear fact is that

    They can be sweet as honey

    Sometimes you’ll find

    They might be just plain funny


    The Berenstain Bears

    The Berenstain Bears

  21. All that ‘schlager at the bar

    Flakes of gold swim in my brain

    I ate the worm the night before

    And tonight I’ll probably do it again

    Shotgun Becks down at the Shore

    I’ve got a friend at the liquor store

    Deaner likes his red wind dry

    So booze me up and get me high

    Booze me up and get me high

    Why don’t you give it a try?

    Let the bottle do the work

    To ease my mind and soothe the hurt

    Me and George finish the Jack

    After drinkin’ down my last six pack

    I’m not feelin’ bad myself

    Cause there’s another bottle on the shelf

    Cribber likes his Guinness in cans

    And Andrew, he’s a tequila man

    But it don’t take much to get me high

    So booze me up and get me high

    Booze me up and get me high

    Why don’t you give it a try?

    Let the bottle do the work

    To ease my mind and soothe the hurt

  22. Guinness in CANS??? omg. Got to be either tap or (if really pushed) bottle with the widget. But please oh please not the can…

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