22 Sep 04First Day of Fall Puts Apple Executives in a Melancholy Mood


Sources close to Apple’s executive group indicate that the coming of fall has put the people responsible for the day to day operations of everyone’s favorite computer company into a melancholy mood.

All about the Apple campus, Senior Vice Presidents have been seen staring off into space, sighing heavily or listening to “Nights In White Satin” by the Moody Blues on their iPods.

“I wonder whatever happened to Tina, that girl that sat next to me in Trig?” mused Apple Senior Vice President of the iPod division Jon Rubinstein. “I wonder if she still shakes her hair that way and has that funny little pout?

“I wonder if she’s forgotten about the time I puked into her backpack?

“Ah, Tina. What might have been… if I hadn’t… barfed in your… backpack…”

Chief Software Technology Officer Avie Tevanian spent much of the day picking up the phone and dialing the first few digits of an old friend’s phone number before hanging up.

“I can’t ask him to forgive me for pantsing him that time. I blew it. I pantsed a good friend. You should never pants a good friend. You probably shouldn’t pants any friend. Well, I don’t want to go that far. But not in front of the entire high school. And a visiting school’s football team. And everyone’s parents. And the cheerleaders. And some gathered media.

“I have no right to call him,” Tevanian concluded, shaking his head sadly. “‘Twas the pantsing that came between us.

“You know, I think that was mascot night, too…”

In his office, a broken Senior Vice President of Software Engineering Bertrand Serlet sat staring out the window, a single tear falling down his cheek.

“L’amour…” Serlet mumbled to no on in particular. “L’amour…”

Mac pundits expressed their hope that this fit of self reflection passes quickly and the senior levels of Apple’s staff return to business soon.

“A little introspection is good for the soul,” said the San Jose Mercury News’ Dan Gillmor. “But Apple’s executives should beware not to fall into a fit of pointless second-guessing.

“Take me, for example. Do I sit around bemoaning my decisions, like going into journalism or giving up on a budding professional bowling career or not spending more time with my brother or beating that waiter to death in Hong Kong when he spilled hot and sour soup on my chinos? No.”

After an uncomfortable silence Gillmor shifted slightly in his chair and said defensively “Well, I don’t. Uh-uh. No, sir.”

29 Responses to “First Day of Fall Puts Apple Executives in a Melancholy Mood”

  1. Anonymous says:

    schyt! zekkond

  2. Ozi says:

    phorf!

    nice posties… I barfed in a backpack once. Strangely, it brought me and the backpack’s owner together in a special way- a way no roses ever could. *sighs happily*

  3. Nogumbi says:

    Hi!

    I was given this address as a location where lots of helpful people post. I’m currently the under-secretary to the treasurer in Nigeria. I have a boat-load of money I need to get out of the country before the no-good “president” tries to take it and use for his nefarious purposes (rumor has it he wants to waste it on buying Dell laptops for all school children in the country!).

    I need to get the money out of the country as soon as possible, to protect our children (won’t someone think of the children!). So, I just need someone to give me $100,000 (to cover those darned bank transfer fees!) and your bank account information, and I can deposit the money into your bank account. For your help, I’ll cut you in for 10% of what I can save from my gov’t.

    If anyone can help, please email me.

    Note: This is NOT SPAM of any type. This is a real offer. I swear (I mean, when was the last time the under-secretary to the treasury of Nigeria lie to you?) Oh, and please keep this confidential. The last thing we need is some energy being finding out about this and try to cut themselves in on the action!

  4. Nogumbi says:

    Oh, and Fifth post!

  5. MacStansbury says:

    I’m MacStansbury, and I approve this message:

    GIVE ME THE FRIKKIN ELEVENTH POST OR THE PUPPY GETS IT!!!

    I need some me time.

  6. UhhhDude says:

    Seventh, not eleventh!

    Bummer. I’m just depressed because it’s been 20 years since anyone cared enough to pants me in front of the whole school.

    Maybe I’ve said too much….

  7. UhhhDude says:

    See ! That was actually eighth! I can’t even get THAT right. (sigh…)

    If you need me, I’ll be listening to my Sade collection.

  8. Paul Verlaine says:

    Les sanglots longs

    Des violons

    De l’automne

    Blessent mon coeur

    D’une langueur

    Monotone.

    Tout suffocant

    Et blême, quand

    Sonne l’heure.

    Je me souviens

    Des jours anciens,

    Et je pleure…

    Et je m’en vais

    Au vent mauvais

    Qui m’emporte

    De çà, de là,

    Pareil à la

    Feuille morte…

  9. Huck says:

    Who’s your daddy?

  10. TheWereSloth says:

    Uh…. you are?

    Wait… Daddy? Daddy, is that you?

  11. PoisedNoise says:

    You’re not my Daddy, you’re a SNORT!

    ..with apologies to Dr Seuss.

    And is pantsing like wedgying? Or what?

  12. Ozi says:

    pantsing is like… pantsing.

    It occurs when one doth pull anothers trousers downwards, revealing the undergarments of aforesid “pantsed” person. Often, merriment and joviality will ensue. *cue cheesy laugh track*

  13. Pants! says:

    No, pantsing is the opposite of a wedgie. Wedgies are physically painful, being pantsed is emotionally painful, if you don’t die of embarrasment.

  14. the7ofSwords says:

    Look, just because there’s a stupid little Cat-in-the-Hat logo on the book, doesn’t make it a Dr. Seuss story!

    That was P.D. Eastman.

    What’s WRONG with you people? Can’t you friggin’ READ? It says right there ON THE BLOODY COVER, in BIG YELLOW LETTERS:

    “by P.D. Eastman”

    Mr. Eastman never gets any respect!! Just because his books were published in the same “Bright and Early” series as Dr. Seuss’s works… Imagine creating several Children’s classics, but never getting any recognition… in fact having people give a different, MORE SUCCESSFUL author credit for YOUR work!!

    Wouldn’t you spend your life wondering what would have happened if the stupid publisher hadn’t used that particular gimmick? Imagine wondering if part of that other author’s popularity was simply due to people’s confusion, and his getting credit for YOUR work!!

    YOU PEOPLE MAKE ME SICK!!

    ::runs off screeching and tearing out his hair::

    Now where’s MY mother? :'(

    7

  15. the7ofSwords says:

    An autumn tribute to Masako:

    Du hast mein Herz

    Das is kein Scherz

    Oh, welcher Schmerz!

    Ohne dich, baby!

    7

  16. So what 7ofswords seems to be saying is that P.D. Eastmen was pantsed – literarilly speaking?

    On another topic, I would not normally wonder where my pants were but with the arrival of fall it is now too cold to wear my CARS provided mini. Not to mention it is out of style too.

    And the mega post is up to post # 1224, so come join in the fun.

  17. Horton says:

    P.D. Eastman was Dr. Seuss’ bitch!

  18. Anonymous says:

    P A N T S

  19. UhhhDude says:

    Have your pants pressed here. Or, have The Press “pantsed” here.

    (Wow. Can you imagine Dan Rather getting pantsed? Oh, I guess you CAN, after all….)

  20. the7ofSwords says:

    I wanna see Bill O’Reilly pantsed, so we can all laugh and point at his tiny …

    kneecaps.

  21. PoisedNoise says:

    Well, see, I have to admit that at the age that I was when I was reading/having read to me “Are You My Mother” I didn’t really take in who the author was. The fact that some people on this site _did_ is clearly to their credit. Unless of course they were like 12 and still reading it….

    Actually, to be fair, I do now remember that that one wasn’t Seuss. In fact, I’ve never really liked Seuss himself that much. A bit too warped for my liking. Like that Dahl bloke.

  22. CTHULHU says:

    OH, THE ENNUI!

    NOW I RETURN TO THE DREAM…

    GLAARKU, OTOH, IS WAITING AT YOUR HOUSE NOGUMBI! HE’S ON SPAMMER DETAIL THIS WEEK.

  23. Del says:

    Dahl is so freaking dark. I remember the little drawings in my copy of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory of the kids who messed up. The movie makes you think that everyone is all right and the kids leave just a little worse for wear. The book on the other hand has this dark little drawing of the kids all screwed up leaving to go home. Mike TeeVee is freakishly skinny after they stretch him in the taffy puller from just a couple inches tall up to normal height, and Violet Beauregard is still violet in color and all ball shaped. They just managed to squeeze enough juice out of her to give her a bit of a waist.

    Really screwed up, but I loved it.

  24. haineux says:

    Hi from Apple. This was a great posting. Just remember: Bertrand might speak French, but he is a Belgian.

  25. the7ofSwords says:

    OK, well, I’m 34 years old NOW, but I was only 28 when I read “Are You My Mother”, and man… I cried so hard when the Snort had the baby bird. I mean… it’s so sad.

    Does anyone know what happened after that, though? The copy I found in my dumpster had the last couple of pages ripped out.

    He was eaten by the Snort, wasn’t he? :'(

    7

  26. Bill Clinton says:

    One of Al’s duties was to pantsing me in the Oval Office just prior to Monica’s arrival.