We at Crazy Apple Rumors Site are thrilled to have none other than U.S. President George W. Bush and Senator John F. Kerry here tonight to debate an issue vital to Mac users everywhere. At a time when voters in the U.S. must choose a leader, it’s important for Mac user to know where they stand on issues of importance in the Mac community.
Tonight the candidates will be addressing an issue chosen at random by me, John Moltz: should someone considering the purchase of a PowerBook buy one now or wait until such time as a PowerBook G5 is introduced. Taking the “buy now” side will be President Bush. Taking the “wait” side will be Senator Kerry.
By a coin toss, Senator Kerry will go first. Senator?
KERRY: Thank you, John. Before we begin, I’d just like to thank Crazy Apple Rumors Site for having us here tonight. John, Chet, the Entity, Masako, Ugluk… and, of course, Howard. Howard and I go way back. Scooter, the mail room guy. Mr. President, it’s a pleasure to see you again. And I’d just like to say how much I admire and respect Vice President Dick Cheney, his wife Lynne and their lesbian daughter Mary. And… their other daughter… whatever her name may be.
BUSH: Is he allowed to say “lesbian”?
MODERATOR: Uh, well… yes. I don’t think there’s a rule against it.
BUSH: Huh. There ought to be a rule against it. I don’t think… someone should just come out and say [holds up fingers to make quoting gesture] “les-bi-an”.
MODERATOR: Well, I’m going to allow it. But, I’ll take away his first shot and let you go instead, Mr. President, just because I can.
BUSH: Uh, well, thank you, John. Yeah, uh… the PowerBook G5… now… my opponent complains a lot about the PowerBook G4. Says that it’s had four years to improve the lives of Americans and it hasn’t. He says it’s not “fast” enough. Heh, that’s funny coming from someone with such a “slow record” in the U.S. Senate. Heh-heh. Kind of his “mind-set”. I could have provided you a PowerBook G5, but these things take time. It’s hard work. And the PowerBook G4 is an excellent machine for these troubled times. This is no time to start hanging our hat on something unproven, untested and that will cost more than my opponent says it will. Thank you.
MODERATOR: Senator Kerry?
KERRY: Once again the President has not been truthful with the American people. I know how much the PowerBook G5 will cost – Steve Jobs is on my campaign and he whispered it in my ear the other day – and I have a plan for how to pay for it. I’ll reduce the budget deficit, provide affordable health care for every American and leave enough money for people to buy a new PowerBook G5, all while lifting a 2-ton Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme on my back and dancing the Macarena. This is the kind of plan that’s right for Americans – Americans just like Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter.
BUSH: Wha… ha… He did it again!
MODERATOR: President Bush, I’ve already ruled on this. 30 seconds.
BUSH: Well… I… my opponent makes a lot of promises. Promises he can’t keep. I personally know it is impossible for a person to lift an Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme on his back. Can’t be done. If it could be done, he’s had 20 years in the Senate to do it and he hasn’t done it. And only “steady leadership” can put a PowerBook into your hands – not false promises that can’t be delivered on. Thank you.
KERRY: Before I close, I’d just like to thank the staff of Crazy Apple Rumors Site again. I won’t go through the whole list… John… Chet… the Entity… Masako… Ugluk… and Howard. Scooter. And to the American people I would just like to say, vote for me and I’ll deliver a new PowerBook G5 to your doorstep some time next summer. Thank you.
KERRY: And Mary Cheney digs hot lesbian action.
BUSH: Ach! Wha… he…!
MODERATOR: Uh… well… I want to thank our guests, Senator John Kerry and President George Bush, for this informative debate. The candidates’ next appearance will be a panel discussion sponsored by the League of Women Voters titled “Chicks With Chicks: Exploring Lesbianism In America”. Which, for some reason, is taking place after the election is over. Um… well… Thank you, and goodnight.