14 Oct 04Crazy Apple Point/Counterpoint Election Special!


We at Crazy Apple Rumors Site are thrilled to have none other than U.S. President George W. Bush and Senator John F. Kerry here tonight to debate an issue vital to Mac users everywhere. At a time when voters in the U.S. must choose a leader, it’s important for Mac user to know where they stand on issues of importance in the Mac community.

Tonight the candidates will be addressing an issue chosen at random by me, John Moltz: should someone considering the purchase of a PowerBook buy one now or wait until such time as a PowerBook G5 is introduced. Taking the “buy now” side will be President Bush. Taking the “wait” side will be Senator Kerry.

By a coin toss, Senator Kerry will go first. Senator?


KERRY: Thank you, John. Before we begin, I’d just like to thank Crazy Apple Rumors Site for having us here tonight. John, Chet, the Entity, Masako, Ugluk… and, of course, Howard. Howard and I go way back. Scooter, the mail room guy. Mr. President, it’s a pleasure to see you again. And I’d just like to say how much I admire and respect Vice President Dick Cheney, his wife Lynne and their lesbian daughter Mary. And… their other daughter… whatever her name may be.

BUSH: Is he allowed to say “lesbian”?

MODERATOR: Uh, well… yes. I don’t think there’s a rule against it.

BUSH: Huh. There ought to be a rule against it. I don’t think… someone should just come out and say [holds up fingers to make quoting gesture] “les-bi-an”.

MODERATOR: Well, I’m going to allow it. But, I’ll take away his first shot and let you go instead, Mr. President, just because I can.

BUSH: Uh, well, thank you, John. Yeah, uh… the PowerBook G5… now… my opponent complains a lot about the PowerBook G4. Says that it’s had four years to improve the lives of Americans and it hasn’t. He says it’s not “fast” enough. Heh, that’s funny coming from someone with such a “slow record” in the U.S. Senate. Heh-heh. Kind of his “mind-set”. I could have provided you a PowerBook G5, but these things take time. It’s hard work. And the PowerBook G4 is an excellent machine for these troubled times. This is no time to start hanging our hat on something unproven, untested and that will cost more than my opponent says it will. Thank you.

MODERATOR: Senator Kerry?

KERRY: Once again the President has not been truthful with the American people. I know how much the PowerBook G5 will cost – Steve Jobs is on my campaign and he whispered it in my ear the other day – and I have a plan for how to pay for it. I’ll reduce the budget deficit, provide affordable health care for every American and leave enough money for people to buy a new PowerBook G5, all while lifting a 2-ton Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme on my back and dancing the Macarena. This is the kind of plan that’s right for Americans – Americans just like Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter.

BUSH: Wha… ha… He did it again!

MODERATOR: President Bush, I’ve already ruled on this. 30 seconds.

BUSH: Well… I… my opponent makes a lot of promises. Promises he can’t keep. I personally know it is impossible for a person to lift an Oldsmobile Cutlass Supreme on his back. Can’t be done. If it could be done, he’s had 20 years in the Senate to do it and he hasn’t done it. And only “steady leadership” can put a PowerBook into your hands – not false promises that can’t be delivered on. Thank you.

MODERATOR: Senator?

KERRY: Before I close, I’d just like to thank the staff of Crazy Apple Rumors Site again. I won’t go through the whole list… John… Chet… the Entity… Masako… Ugluk… and Howard. Scooter. And to the American people I would just like to say, vote for me and I’ll deliver a new PowerBook G5 to your doorstep some time next summer. Thank you.

MODERATOR: Thank…

KERRY: And Mary Cheney digs hot lesbian action.

BUSH: Ach! Wha… he…!

MODERATOR: Uh… well… I want to thank our guests, Senator John Kerry and President George Bush, for this informative debate. The candidates’ next appearance will be a panel discussion sponsored by the League of Women Voters titled “Chicks With Chicks: Exploring Lesbianism In America”. Which, for some reason, is taking place after the election is over. Um… well… Thank you, and goodnight.

28 Responses to “Crazy Apple Point/Counterpoint Election Special!”

  1. Joscelin says:

    First post!!

  2. Joscelin says:

    ::does a victory dance::

  3. Joscelin says:

    Great post by the way ^_^ These debates are getting a little old. Good thing they’re over so we can get back to one sided commercials that blast the other side and never say anything about their stance.

  4. UhhhDude says:

    Tree!

    …or Bush, whatever.

  5. Well, I must say, Kerry is right. I do dig hot lesbian action. Don’t miss that “chicks with chicks” thing, it’s gonna be good.

    And thanks for including me in the article today John.

    Ha! I bet nobody else in here has ever had Moltz write about them.

  6. UhhhDude says:

    (Dammit! Not Tree! This is what happens when you stop to actually read the article…)

  7. Anonymous says:

    Hey, as President, are you allowed to use the Apple Store for Education? I mean, you’re sort of like an educator– for the whole country! Or whole planet, if you count those girls in Afghanistan.

  8. ??? says:

    Hey, as President, are you allowed to use the Apple Store for Education? I mean, you’re sort of like an educator– for the whole country! Or whole planet, if you count those girls in Afghanistan.

  9. Anonymous says:

    Hey he promised me a PB G5, I guess I know who gets my vote. Plus… “L” entertainment!

  10. PoisedNoise says:

    Ok Huck, I’m setting this baby up for you….. Go GO GO!!! NOOOOW!!!!

  11. Huck says:

    I am not Huck.

    But I am taking this in the name of him.

    WHOO GO HUCK

  12. PoisedNoise says:

    Nice one Mr. Huck proxy person. Though honestly real Huck…. you had 15 minutes for crying out loud….

    btw I thought this scene was great. Yes I did read it, and despite being a UK resident, actually got some of it.

  13. Huck says:

    Also:

    “Is he allowed to say ‘lesbian’?”

    Is the CARS employee bathroom coated with cheezewhiz?

    Sheesh, you guys would think this was all contrived and the presidential nominees hadn’t even read CARS before…

  14. TekSavvy says:

    I needed that laugh. I’ve about had it with politics and all the craziness surrounding these debates. I feel like both candidates are full of it and your post really made me see some humor in it all. Thanks!

  15. Palm Harbor dweller says:

    Debates are fine, but until the National Enquirer comes out and lets me know who the aliens are voting for, I’m at a loss.

  16. Scooter says:

    Classic! It definitely goes into the “Best of CARS, vol. 3” or whatever vol. you’re at currently. What else can I say, other than┬ůVOTE!! (especially if you have had it with politics)

  17. winky the waffle says:

    Rolling on the floor itching!

  18. I'm a Dick says:

    Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! Dick! CHENEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  19. Anonymous says:

    wwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiddddddddddddddeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

  20. GWB 3.6 says:

    hey, is he allowed to say DICK? Because I don’t think people should be allowed to go round saying DICK.

  21. Anonymous says:

    What’s wrong with Dick and Bush? Who doesn’t like a little Dick and Bush.

  22. Who doesn’t like Dick and Bush?

    I don’t! Have you been paying attention or not? If not, don’t vote!

    Unless you like hot lesbian action, and you’re a lesbian, and you live near me and, we, …mmmm… you know, think I’m cute. (I don’t look all THAT much like dad.”

    irc me at: hotcheneynotuglylezdaughter.hotlesboaction.irc.com

  23. Anonymous says:

    Ohhh you’re talking about the people up for election. I thought with all the lesbian dick and bush references we were talking about sex.

    Does anyone else find it amusing that Dick Cheney’s daughter doesn’t like Dick?

  24. Gunkulator says:

    You guys are too much;)

  25. Gunkulator says:

    breasts…

    I just had to say it out loud…..

  26. Switcher says:

    What kind of guys are those Bush and Cheney, and John, and Dick ?

    What do you say ? American elections…

    Oops.

    Sorry, here in Europe, i had missed some point.

    Interesting debate, then.

  27. Does it bother anyone that the three most powerful men in the country are named Bush, Dick, and Colin?