According to sources within Apple’s AppleCare repair department, if your Mac is in for repair, the company’s technicians have indeed looked at the files on your hard drive and are disgusted by what they have found, confirming your worst fears.
As hard drive contents can be a glimpse into one’s soul, Apple’s staffers indicate yours is a shallow place, filled with a rank and fetid smell.
“Granted, as hard drive voyeurs we are not above reproach,” Apple technical support analyst Ken Taylor admitted. “But that level of reproach and the level of reproach you should get for the files in the folder titled ‘XXX Vixens in Prison’ are not even in the same zip code.”
While a predilection for puerile pornography topped the list of AppleCare technicians’ complaints about you, your choice of iTunes songs did not improve your standing.
“1985 by Bowling for Soup is like a Weird Al song without the street cred,” said PowerBook specialist Meredith Howe. “With a shelf life of about two weeks, it’s not even worth 99 cents.
“And having Fountains of Wayne and Five for Fighting in your collection largely just confirms my impression.”
If you were to currently check the status of your repair, you would be surprised to see the following updates:
10:00 AM – Unit received.
10:15 AM – Hard drive scanned for bad sectors.
10:25 AM – Holy crap, are you kidding me? You write Battlestar Galactica fan fiction? And for Galactica 1984???
10:27 AM – Maybe Dr. Zee can fix your hard drive! Ha-ha-ha!
“Frack!” you would curse, using the slang common amongst the 12 Colonies of the Battlestar Galactica universe.
You would, however, be relieved to know that Apple’s technicians have decided against venturing into your Movies folder, for fear of going blind.