No story today, but here’s an actual conversation that went on at the top-secret Crazy Apple Rumors Site headquarters today as we filled out our mail-in ballots. It’s a conversation that will shake the CARS universe!
MACGRUDER: Hmm. Uh…
MOLTZ: [Checking off items on his ballot] Yes! Yes! No! No! Nooooooooo! Yes! Yes!
MACGRUDER: Hey! Are you even reading them?
MOLTZ: No! No! No! Yes, baby, yessssss!
MACGRUDER: Oh, whatever. Look, what did you get for number four?
MOLTZ: Number four?
MACGRUDER: City Ordinance 15 on the bond measure for…
MOLTZ: YES! YES! YES! OH, YOU KNOW YOU LIKE IT!
MACGRUDER: What is with you?
MOLTZ: I had a lot of coffee this morning! Whoo! Ha-ha!
MACGRUDER: I see. You know, I feel kind of bad because no one else has ballots to fill out.
MOLTZ: Well, they’re not actual citizens, per se. Masako’s on a visa, Howard’s… well… terminally canine and… uh… You know I think both the Entity and Ugluk are illegal aliens. I never really thought of that before.
MACGRUDER: But I saw the Entity filling out a ballot earlier.
MOLTZ: That was his absentee ballot from his dimension. I looked over his shoulder and it was a whole bunch of equations. I think he voted for the square root of two.
MACGRUDER: That’s… an imaginary number.
MOLTZ: I know! I wonder what that guy’s like.
HOWARD: Hey. Whatcha doin’?
MACGRUDER: Oh. Uh…
MOLTZ: Oh… well… we’re filling out our… ballots. Sorry, man.
HOWARD: What do you mean? I filled mine out yesterday.
MACGRUDER: Bad dog! Bad!
HOWARD: Oh, right. Like you guys are more qualified than I am.
HOWARD: What did you put for number four?
MOLTZ: Uhhh… what… did… you put?
HOWARD: No. That bond measure is duplicated in a city council bill that’s currently in committee. The city is holding out on the bill until they find out if the bond measure passes. If it does, they’ll also pass the bill, thereby double-dipping, and put the extra funds into a slush fund that they’re going to use to give to a consultant, who’s the mayor’s brother, who’s going to convert the entire Unix infrastructure the city’s high-speed cable network runs on to Windows.
HOWARD: So… what did you put?
MOLTZ: [Erasing] Nnnnnnnnnnnnno?
MACGRUDER: No. Definitely no.
[The Entity appears.]
MOLTZ: [Looking around] Oh. Is there pie?
ENTITY: Pi? For Dimensional Overlord?
HOWARD: No! No! You want Infinity! Pi is pro-universal constant! You’ll never go faster than light with Pi!
[Howard and the Entity walk off.]
MOLTZ: Yeah. I told you his ballot was complicated.
YAMAMOTO: Ummm… hi.
MACGRUDER: Hi. So, what did you get on number five?
MOLTZ: Number five?
MACGRUDER: Yeah. The county development thingy.
YAMAMOTO: I think… I’m gay.
[Chet’s jaw drops. His #2 pencil falls to the floor with an ominous clack. The faint smell of pie drifts into the room.]
MOLTZ: That’s nice. Well, I put “No” because the guy in the picture looked like a wanker.
MACGRUDER: You’re… gay?
MOLTZ: Yeah. She’s a lesbian.
YAMAMOTO: You knew?!
MOLTZ: Oh, please! You kept chasing unreachable men because, inevitably, no man was ever good enough for you. And, really, for good reason. Look at you! You’re fantastic! You’re almost an artificial construct, a… a… product of someone’s imagination! Smart. Gorgeous. Unattainable. Go. Go. Be with women. We don’t deserve you. So, number six…
MACGRUDER: Holy crap!
UGLUK: You ready?
YAMAMOTO: Yes! Let’s go!
MACGRUDER: Where… where are you going?
UGLUK: We going to lunch at new Thai place. You come?
MACGRUDER: Uh… I have to finish my ballot.
UGLUK: OK. We see you later.
[Masako and Ugluk leave.]
MACGRUDER: OH, MY GOD! How can you take this so calmly?!
MOLTZ: I know. I know. All that and a lesbian too. It just kills me. Oh, well. It’s not like I have an iron in that fire. So, on this number six one, I’m leaning “Yes” because I like petting zoos. How ’bout you?
MACGRUDER: Uh… I like petting zoos…
OH, MY GOD! Did you see that coming?! Because… I did.