28 Oct 04CARS Gets Out The Vote!


No story today, but here’s an actual conversation that went on at the top-secret Crazy Apple Rumors Site headquarters today as we filled out our mail-in ballots. It’s a conversation that will shake the CARS universe!


MACGRUDER: Hmm. Uh…

MOLTZ: [Checking off items on his ballot] Yes! Yes! No! No! Nooooooooo! Yes! Yes!

MACGRUDER: Hey! Are you even reading them?

MOLTZ: No! No! No! Yes, baby, yessssss!

MACGRUDER: Oh, whatever. Look, what did you get for number four?

MOLTZ: Number four?

MACGRUDER: City Ordinance 15 on the bond measure for…

MOLTZ: YES! YES! YES! OH, YOU KNOW YOU LIKE IT!

MACGRUDER: What is with you?

MOLTZ: I had a lot of coffee this morning! Whoo! Ha-ha!

MACGRUDER: I see. You know, I feel kind of bad because no one else has ballots to fill out.

MOLTZ: Well, they’re not actual citizens, per se. Masako’s on a visa, Howard’s… well… terminally canine and… uh… You know I think both the Entity and Ugluk are illegal aliens. I never really thought of that before.

MACGRUDER: But I saw the Entity filling out a ballot earlier.

MOLTZ: That was his absentee ballot from his dimension. I looked over his shoulder and it was a whole bunch of equations. I think he voted for the square root of two.

MACGRUDER: That’s… an imaginary number.

MOLTZ: I know! I wonder what that guy’s like.

[Howard enters.]

HOWARD: Hey. Whatcha doin’?

MACGRUDER: Oh. Uh…

MOLTZ: Oh… well… we’re filling out our… ballots. Sorry, man.

HOWARD: What do you mean? I filled mine out yesterday.

MOLTZ: What?!

MACGRUDER: Bad dog! Bad!

HOWARD: Oh, right. Like you guys are more qualified than I am.

MACGRUDER: Hey!

HOWARD: What did you put for number four?

MOLTZ: Uhhh… what… did… you put?

HOWARD: No. That bond measure is duplicated in a city council bill that’s currently in committee. The city is holding out on the bill until they find out if the bond measure passes. If it does, they’ll also pass the bill, thereby double-dipping, and put the extra funds into a slush fund that they’re going to use to give to a consultant, who’s the mayor’s brother, who’s going to convert the entire Unix infrastructure the city’s high-speed cable network runs on to Windows.

MOLTZ: Oh.

MACGRUDER: Huh.

HOWARD: So… what did you put?

MOLTZ: [Erasing] Nnnnnnnnnnnnno?

MACGRUDER: No. Definitely no.

[The Entity appears.]

ENTITY: Pi?

MOLTZ: [Looking around] Oh. Is there pie?

ENTITY: Pi? For Dimensional Overlord?

HOWARD: No! No! You want Infinity! Pi is pro-universal constant! You’ll never go faster than light with Pi!

[Howard and the Entity walk off.]

MACGRUDER: Huh.

MOLTZ: Yeah. I told you his ballot was complicated.

[Masako approaches.]

YAMAMOTO: Ummm… hi.

MACGRUDER: Hi. So, what did you get on number five?

MOLTZ: Number five?

YAMAMOTO: Guys?

MACGRUDER: Yeah. The county development thingy.

YAMAMOTO: I think… I’m gay.

[Chet’s jaw drops. His #2 pencil falls to the floor with an ominous clack. The faint smell of pie drifts into the room.]

MOLTZ: That’s nice. Well, I put “No” because the guy in the picture looked like a wanker.

MACGRUDER: You’re… gay?

MOLTZ: Yeah. She’s a lesbian.

YAMAMOTO: You knew?!

MOLTZ: Oh, please! You kept chasing unreachable men because, inevitably, no man was ever good enough for you. And, really, for good reason. Look at you! You’re fantastic! You’re almost an artificial construct, a… a… product of someone’s imagination! Smart. Gorgeous. Unattainable. Go. Go. Be with women. We don’t deserve you. So, number six…

MACGRUDER: Holy crap!

[Ugluk appears.]

UGLUK: You ready?

YAMAMOTO: Yes! Let’s go!

MACGRUDER: Where… where are you going?

UGLUK: We going to lunch at new Thai place. You come?

MACGRUDER: Uh… I have to finish my ballot.

UGLUK: OK. We see you later.

YAMAMOTO: Bye!

[Masako and Ugluk leave.]

MACGRUDER: OH, MY GOD! How can you take this so calmly?!

MOLTZ: I know. I know. All that and a lesbian too. It just kills me. Oh, well. It’s not like I have an iron in that fire. So, on this number six one, I’m leaning “Yes” because I like petting zoos. How ’bout you?

MACGRUDER: Uh… I like petting zoos…


OH, MY GOD! Did you see that coming?! Because… I did.

35 Responses to “CARS Gets Out The Vote!”

  1. Ricky says:

    Let me summarize the first 12 posts on this article.

    Post 1: This blather.

    Post 2: Me congratulating myself on a first post.

    Post 3: “third post?”

    Post 4: “DAMN YOU RICKY … … … forth” (Even though ‘forth’ is a direction)

    Post 5: Sexual reference of some sort

    Post 6: “sixth”

    Post 7: “Okay, I CAN TASTE THE ELEVENTH POST”

    Post 8: “Last post”

    Post 9: A RELEVANT post

    Post 10: “I’M SETTING THE ELEVENTH POST UP FOR YOU HUCK GO GO GO GO!!!! NOW!!!!!”

    Post 11: “haha”

    Post 12: “DAMN IT”

    It’s like a town with a population less than 70… Nothing changes.

  2. Ricky says:

    Wow, congratulations to me on an excellent first post!

    Like there’s any glory in that! Ha ha! Hee hee! Whoooo!

    I think I’ll go sit down now.

  3. Nooooooooooooooooo! Damn it, all the good Masako’s are gay….

  4. Aimon says:

    so i guess this is the damn you ricky post?

    ohhh almost forgot…… foUrth post?

  5. Ricky says:

    I’m psychic! Just like Moltz’s LESBIAN friend Masako!

    Am I the only guy that thinks she makes a better LESBIAN?!

  6. root 2 says:

    sqrt(2) is not imaginary, nor is it transcendental. It is irrational though.

  7. PoisedNoise says:

    last post. I know because, ummm… Ricky told me so.

    sqrt(2) may be irrational, but not half as much so as that strange troll who showed up 2 days ago. He was funny.

    * ducks *

  8. rex the runt says:

    But pi is transcendental. That’s gotta count for something!

    And so is 2^sqrt(2). Might there be some confusion here?

  9. Adam Jackson says:

    “Comments

    Let me summarize the first 12 posts on this article.

    Post 1: This blather.

    Post 2: Me congratulating myself on a first post.

    Post 3: “third post?”

    Post 4: “DAMN YOU RICKY … … … forth” (Even though ‘forth’ is a direction)

    Post 5: Sexual reference of some sort

    Post 6: “sixth”

    Post 7: “Okay, I CAN TASTE THE ELEVENTH POST”

    Post 8: “Last post”

    Post 9: A RELEVANT post

    Post 10: “I’M SETTING THE ELEVENTH POST UP FOR YOU HUCK GO GO GO GO!!!! NOW!!!!!”

    Post 11: “haha”

    Post 12: “DAMN IT”

    just cause that guy forgot i am going to do it for him

    FIRST!

  10. PoisedNoise says:

    Ok so i’m setting the eleventh post up for you now Huck, TAKE THAT BABY!

    mm, what? Oh, really? crap.

  11. Death to Determinism says:

    DAMN IT!

    …ah crap!

    Ricky’s right, we all are predictable zombies!! Aagh! Help us, Ricky! How can we break out of this depressing deterministic world?

    …he’s funny too.

  12. LKM says:

    sqrt(-1) would be the imaginary number i.

  13. Abe Linconlogski says:

    I need the Ricky, where is the Ricky to guide me, this is the 14th post and I don’t know what to do.

    At this point William Shatner walks into the room and tells us all how we have to learn to think for ourselves. Seems he asked “The Ricky” a perplexing question and his head blew-up.

    I guess we will all have to work together to create a better world.

    And do you really think there are 70 people doing these posts, I’m guessing like 6 people, each with about 15 identities.

  14. Male Lesbian says:

    If I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body, do you think I could still hook up with Masako?

  15. Brother Mugga says:

    Can I just say:

    1) How come no-one nipped in between Ricky’s 1st and 2nd, just to spoil his prescient vision of our beloved site? Although it *was* pretty funny, granted…

    2) Props to Moltz for most outstanding use of the term ‘wanker’ in a site thus far today. I’m looking forward to a ‘tosser’ any day now. Although not literally, obviously; that would be hideous.

    3) Er . . . that’s it.

    Oh wait…

    4) A *LESBIAN*!!!!

    Oh my.

  16. lemming says:

    I don’t know? Maybe you should e-mail President Cheney. Or is he vice President. Now that’s a job, being in charge of vice for a whole country.

  17. lemming says:

    That’s it. I am turning off my phone. My post is now completely irrelevant.

  18. Aaron says:

    I think it’s always good when people, and imaginary characters, can accept themselves for who they are.

  19. MacStansbury says:

    Um…what with all the Lesbian-y goodness, I was wondering if anybody noticed that Howard really is the most qualified member of the CARS staff? Smart, talented, knowledgeable on current affairs in multiple dimensions. I gotta tell ya, Moltz should be shaking in his editorial boots.

    I mean, Howard, THAT’S MY DOG!!!!

    Yeah, everybody’s still hooked on the lesbian thing. I like them unattainable…

  20. #47 of 70 says:

    Predictable yes, but I still have to squelch the laughter so as not to seem odd to people in the office.

  21. Hey,

    What do you have against people, er, aliens named after imaginary numbers? We make a game out of it, called Unreal Tournament.

    And I have to tell you, it’s way better than this game of “I’m better, you stink and would bring forth nuclear aramggedon!”

    Heh, we know when Armaggedon is. It IS during a Bush administration. But this Bush is a Scotch Broom growing on the side of Mount Jefferson in Oregon. As soon as it is dug up and transplanted to Washington DC teh sooner world peace will break out. I mean, how could Kim Jung Il argue with a Scotch Broom? He won’t even understand it’s brogue.

    And that kind of makes sense. I heard it said just the other day, when it was on vacation in Canada: “Ach, if thaht’s the size of yurrr Moose, ah’d hate ta see the size of yerrrrr Cats!”

  22. As a wiffle ball and a lesbian, I am thoroughly disgusted with your flagrant use of the phrase “hole-filled plastic sports toy.”

    Thanks,

    A wifflbe ball

  23. Adam says:

    Hey, you (CARS) jerks. ?2 is NOT imaginary. It’s irrational, but you only get an imaginary number when you take the square root of a *negative* number. I am *so* unsubscribing from CARS in my NetNewsWire.

  24. Huck says:

    *pulls out whiffle ball bat*

  25. Dwartz Farquhartz says:

    Now who’s being irrational?

  26. The Truth says:

    Crazy like a lesbian ninja sexbot!!

  27. Anonymous says:

    NOOOOOO!

    Well I would have never had a chance with her anyway.

    Excellent…

  28. lane says:

    the morning guy at CNN used “light year” as a measure of time the other day. i’m going to email him with the permalink to this post so he can the proper usage of “light year.”

  29. Tulse says:

    I am disgusted that Moltz would stoop so low as to bring Masako’s sexual orientation into this campaign.

  30. Greg Wisecaver says:

    first post!! Predictable? I think not.

  31. KingArthur says:

    Quoted: “Hey, you (CARS) jerks. ?2 is NOT imaginary. It’s irrational, but you only get an imaginary number when you take the square root of a *negative* number. I am *so* unsubscribing from CARS in my NetNewsWire.”

    Finally, someone realized that innacuracy. Reading through the posts made me wanna scream seeing everyone taking everything the CARS staff says as the word of god. I talked to god recently, and he says everything they write about is taken SO out of context!

  32. Anonymous says:

    the square root of -1 is “j”, dammit! Not “i”, but “j”!

    You can’t use “i”. “i” already stands for current, because current starts with “c”.

  33. younghart says:

    imaginary, dear friends, is not only the square root of something, but can be every even (4th, 6th and the like) root of a negative number. i then is the placeholder for the square root of -1, for you can then break it down. As for example the square root of -2 is the (square root of 2) times i.

    See? You can always learn something in this place. And because everybody had been super-nice and receptive today, there won’t be ay homework.

  34. Dan says:

    *Throws whiffle ball for Huck to recieve*