Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Today, the Help Desk tackles the tough questions.
Q: I own an iMac DV that I’m going to sell on eBay. I’ve reformatted the hard drive and done a clean install of Panther. My question is, what can I do to sublimate the fear that I will inevitably die alone and afraid?
A: Seeking solace in either religion or sexual decadence has proved to be a tried and true method for millennia. If those fail or are impractical because of a belief in a godless universe or an aversion to the swinging lifestyle, they may be substituted with liquor, drugs or Babylon 5 marathons on the Sci Fi Channel, but the effect of these is more temporary. Sadly, in the end you will still die alone and afraid. But at least you won’t have to think about it until it happens. Also, remember to reformat your hard drive to do a clean wipe so your data cannot be accessed by your iMac’s next owner.
Q: I have an older Dell Dimension PC which I’m considering ditching and using the keyboard, mouse and monitor with a new Mac Mini. The mouse and keyboard are USB, so I’m sure they’ll work, but I don’t know if I need to buy an adapter for the monitor. I’m also concerned about how I’ll be able to copy my files over as the Dell doesn’t have a CD burner. But my major concern is, are we alone in a vast and unforgiving universe, destined to drift through time sharing nothing of the wonder of the cosmos outside our own shallow and petty species?
A: We are not alone. Our species is just one of hundreds of thousands spread across the universe, each seeking to discover its role in the great cosmic opera. Unfortunately, many of these species are rather spiky and some have a taste for human blood so… let’s just say you should look before you hug, nnnkay? On the plus side, the Mac Mini comes with a VGA adapter, so you should be able to use your older Dell monitor with it.
Q: My PowerBook 1400 has served as a great extra machine for years and I’m thinking of trying to upgrade the stock 2 GB hard drive to give me some extra room. Now, when you confirmed that “we all die alone and afraid”, what exactly were you talking about?
A: Well, you, for example, will die in the dumpster out back of the Boca Raton Apple Store, having been beaten severely by a gang of angry Konfabulator developers who mistake you for an Apple employee.
Q: Oh. Well, at least it’ll be relatively quick.
A: Mmm, not really. See, the beating isn’t what kills you. Ironically, you actually die from the fear that you’ll die there alone and afraid.
Q: But… now that I know that, I won’t be afraid, right?
A: Ha! Ha-ha! Aaahhh, no, see, your doom doesn’t work that way.
Q: Oh. Huh.
A: But, the good news is, you can easily get replacement drives for your 1400 from MCE in capacities up to 80 GB.
Q: Uh, thanks. That’s a real comfort.
A: Don’t mention it.