21 Jan 05Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today, the Help Desk tackles the tough questions.


Q: I own an iMac DV that I’m going to sell on eBay. I’ve reformatted the hard drive and done a clean install of Panther. My question is, what can I do to sublimate the fear that I will inevitably die alone and afraid?
A: Seeking solace in either religion or sexual decadence has proved to be a tried and true method for millennia. If those fail or are impractical because of a belief in a godless universe or an aversion to the swinging lifestyle, they may be substituted with liquor, drugs or Babylon 5 marathons on the Sci Fi Channel, but the effect of these is more temporary. Sadly, in the end you will still die alone and afraid. But at least you won’t have to think about it until it happens. Also, remember to reformat your hard drive to do a clean wipe so your data cannot be accessed by your iMac’s next owner.


Q: I have an older Dell Dimension PC which I’m considering ditching and using the keyboard, mouse and monitor with a new Mac Mini. The mouse and keyboard are USB, so I’m sure they’ll work, but I don’t know if I need to buy an adapter for the monitor. I’m also concerned about how I’ll be able to copy my files over as the Dell doesn’t have a CD burner. But my major concern is, are we alone in a vast and unforgiving universe, destined to drift through time sharing nothing of the wonder of the cosmos outside our own shallow and petty species?
A: We are not alone. Our species is just one of hundreds of thousands spread across the universe, each seeking to discover its role in the great cosmic opera. Unfortunately, many of these species are rather spiky and some have a taste for human blood so… let’s just say you should look before you hug, nnnkay? On the plus side, the Mac Mini comes with a VGA adapter, so you should be able to use your older Dell monitor with it.


Q: My PowerBook 1400 has served as a great extra machine for years and I’m thinking of trying to upgrade the stock 2 GB hard drive to give me some extra room. Now, when you confirmed that “we all die alone and afraid”, what exactly were you talking about?
A: Well, you, for example, will die in the dumpster out back of the Boca Raton Apple Store, having been beaten severely by a gang of angry Konfabulator developers who mistake you for an Apple employee.
Q: Oh. Well, at least it’ll be relatively quick.
A: Mmm, not really. See, the beating isn’t what kills you. Ironically, you actually die from the fear that you’ll die there alone and afraid.
Q: But… now that I know that, I won’t be afraid, right?
A: Ha! Ha-ha! Aaahhh, no, see, your doom doesn’t work that way.
Q: Oh. Huh.
A: But, the good news is, you can easily get replacement drives for your 1400 from MCE in capacities up to 80 GB.
Q: Uh, thanks. That’s a real comfort.
A: Don’t mention it.

37 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. mmmmmatt says:

    first?

  2. mmmmmatt says:

    Well, that was fun…

  3. Streetrabbit says:

    Within 15 minute post.

  4. mmmmmatt says:

    Wow, that sounds even cooler than “first”… maybe I’ll try that next time.

  5. Anonymous says:

    4th gaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!!!!

    I want to die peacefully in my sleep, just like my grandfather. Not screaming in fear like the passengers in his bus.

  6. Smart Arsed Bastard says:

    5th actually.

    6th

  7. Carl says:

    Sometimes I worry that my life is an empty shell, devoid of meaning, just a parade of horrors produced by a trick of mathematical conjuring.

    On the plus side, I’m thinking of ordering iWork.

  8. Arthur Zombie says:

    Dying alone isn’t so bad; it’s the crap that comes afterwards that bites, Army of Hades and all that stuff. Pitchforks and shotguns aren’t much fun either and those Michael Jackson videos were no fun at all.

  9. Psyko says:

    Less than ten. I am moving up, err down I mean.

  10. Ozi says:

    possibly tenth?

    Anyways, there are a range of species which are friendly, but do remember that the Cylons now look like humans, so [i]look[/i] before you [i]hug[/i] might not cut it. You also gotta submit them to a vigorous screening process, and then realise that they are all nymphomaniacs anyways, and good for at least a few years of decadent sex.

    Oh, and i’ll be [b]REALLY[/b] annoyed if this doesnt format my [b]t[i]e[u]x[color=flamingo]t[/color] properly.

  11. Ozi says:

    *pting!* <- sound of me spitting a dummy.

    yup, im annoyed. Now you guys all think that I have an incurable case of bracetosis, and that I like the color flamingo. at least its not pink… :S

  12. a. says:

    It’s back! It’s back!! It’s baaaa-haaaa-haaack! The Crazy Apple Help Desk is baaaaack! [dances little jig] It’s B-A-C-K! Which ole Help Desk? The Crazy Apple Help Desk! It’s back, it’s back, the Crazy Apple Help Desk is baaaa-haaa-hack!

  13. Bellidancer says:

    Wow, this was just depressing. I am going back to bed.

  14. Streetrabbit says:

    Back to bed heh?

    *Beavis and Butthead type noises*

    Don’t want to depress you even more but don’t most people die in bed or is it in the bathroom?

    Me? Die in bed?…Not likely baby!!

    *Austin Powers type…thingies*

  15. Streetrabbit says:

    Oh… She really has gone back to bed.

  16. greenacres says:

    John, John, John, your first question’s answer shows you really are not listening. Put the sexbot down and REALLY listen. The person in question already told you he/she reformatted the hard drive. Then you go and tell them do do it again! Tsk, tsk….

    That was better than ‘Marsha, Marsha, Marsha’, which I use on one of my teammates by the same name. (Brady Bunch reference for all you youngsters and foreigners…)

  17. Kai says:

    No greenacres, John is actually concerned with the fate of the machine after his/her death, as John doesn’t want the same mistake to be repeated.

  18. John Moltz says:

    Greenacres, Greenacres, Greenacres. See, there’s reformatting the hard drive, then there’s *reformatting the hard drive*. I believe a straight reformat just clears the file table but doesn’t wipe the disk. What you really want to do if you’re selling your computer is reformat it turning all the ones to zeros (or zeros to ones, I forget which it is). That way, no one can recover your data.

    Tsk-tsk.

  19. Psyko says:

    *Psyko bows and holds bow*

    Moltz Master Sir,

    It is called “Zeroing.” All the ones are turned to zeros. Sir.

    *Psyko backs away and stands*

  20. jimmy says:

    Nonono. That’s how you write over the hard drive with asterisks. Much more secure.

  21. Death Kills.

    Or so I am told.

  22. Psyko says:

    Death doesn’t kill. When you are dead you are dead, you can’t be killed.

    So, actually you are born upon death. Born to a new age of life and understanding. Depending on your beliefs.

  23. Bellidancer says:

    Streetrabbit, while most people may die in bed, if you list bed “events” by frequency, I think death comes way, waaaayy, behind sleep, watching TV, and SEX. On the whole I think I’ll take my chances with bed.

    Jimmy I like that idea. Zeroing is also depressing. Sounds like dying. But “Asterisking” your hard drive! That sound vaguely dirty and perverse.

    Word, Psyko!

  24. Arthur Zombie says:

    Psyko understands.

    The only thing he missed out was the flesh eating.

  25. Streetrabbit says:

    Psyko? Are you a zombie?

  26. WhiteSavage says:

    I still dont get it…

  27. CTHULHU says:

    CONGRATULATIONS ON ONE OF THE MOST ACCURATE INSTALLMENTS OF “CRAZY APPLE HELP DESK” YET! IT IS TRUE THAT YOU MORTALS EACH DIES ALONE AND AFRAID!!

    THE ONE OMISSION IS THAT I OR ONE OF MY KIN IS ALWAYS THERE WAITING TO DEVOUR YOUR SOUL IMMEDIATELY UPON YOUR PHYSICAL DEMISE!!! THE ONLY CONSOLATION YOU MAY BE GRANTED IS THAT AS YOUR PUNY HUMAN BRAIN FAILS, YOU WILL HALLUCINATE WHATEVER NEAR-DURING-POST-DEATH EXPERIENCE YOU EXPECT GOING INTO THE SITUATION (YOU’D BETTER HOPE IT’S SOMETHING NON-HORRIFIC, BUT WITH SOME FOLKS, YOU NEVER KNOW)!!!!!

    RIGHT AFTER THAT COMES THE SOUL-DEVOURING!!!!!!!

    TASTY!!!!!!!!!!!

  28. Psyko says:

    Well, the zeros are what they use, but I think they need to put little Apple logos in there. ?

    Btw, I am not a zombie.

  29. UhhhDude says:

    Is there Life after death? And will I still have to subscribe to it?

  30. Streetrabbit says:

    There is and no you won’t have to subscribe. It’ll come with your newspaper.

  31. Bellidancer says:

    That will make it no better than Parade Magazine. Is there a need for Life any more? Even Time seems irrelevant. Especially to the dead. Can the dead get People? Even when I’m dead I’d like to keep In Touch Weekly with my Family.

    That’s it. No more magazine jokes. I’m going to bed again.

  32. Psyko says:

    Umm, hate to break it to you, but all magazines for the afterlife suck pretty bad. I mean, you see all these new products and what not, but don’t get to do anything about them. I would suggest staying not dead for as long as possible and then getting some games to play.

  33. Bellidancer says:

    Wait a minue! If there is no MacWorld, or Mac Home Journal, or MacAddict, what’s the point? I think I just won’t bother dying.

  34. Psyko says:

    Yeah, that is what I suggest Bellidancer.

  35. Arthur Zombie says:

    It’s not that bad. There’s MacUnderworld, MacOverdosedcrackaddict and iDeath is a kick ass application.

  36. Psyko says:

    Yeah, those magazines are really good and iDeath is a great application. You don’t want to get messed up with the real world things is all I mean. You can’t have real world items and will only drive yourself crazy trying to get it.

  37. Anonymous says:

    I hereby sentence you to death by eLectric iChair.