Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Today the Help Desk answers your questions about CARS itself!
Q: I’ve been reading CARS for months now, and I want to get into this whole “commenting” thing that the kids are into. The problem is, all of the good handles are taken. “Psyko”, “Streetrabbit”, “Huck”… all of the handles that you’d think of first are already in use. What’s a guy to call himself?
A: One of the more popular types of handles is that of a lightly-used CARS guest appearance, such as “The Evil Invisibly Boy’s Choir” or “Glaarku”. There are many second-rate CARS guests whose names you can use – just pick one! They’re all good. “Gary” was Apple’s good friend who always has a nice thing to say. The problem with him is… well… he always has a nice thing to say. That won’t get you very far in the comments. “Angry Scotsman” is a better bet, although the accent is tedious. “Vinz Machete” was our unidentifiably foreign photographer who never produced any pictures before Howard took over, but staff members are generally a no-no as the actual staff member can ban you. I suggest picking something obscure, yet catchy. How about “Alternate Universe Schiller”?
Q: Wow! Is that still available!
A: Well, probably not after this post.
Q: Ah, crap.
Q: I’ve been perusing this site and I’m really confused. You have a full-time web developer, yet where is the message board? Where is the link for a printable version of the stories or the ability to email it to a friend? You have a full-time photographer, yet you rarely post photos. You have an energy being yet no fully integrated interphase inhibitor for trans-dimensional portal induction. Just what kind of slip-shod operation are you running here?
A: Uh… the… um… wackiest slip-shod operation in the Mac community! Ah-huy-huy! Eeee-yuk! Ga-looonk! Yoink!
Q: Is that… supposed to be… funny… or something?
A: It’s kind of a… throwback to comedy movies of the late fifties… like Operation Petticoat… and…
Q: Oh. Yeah. I didn’t get that reference.
A: OK, look, how about this: we were all killed in a car crash three years ago and our living hell is to have to cover Apple rumors every day for the rest of eternity?
Q: Mmm, well…
A: I’ll throw in Josh Hartnett as the ruggedly handsome Ugluk.
Q: Mmm… OK! You’ve got yourself a deal!
Q: I did a statistical analysis of the text on this site and I determined that the two word combination that’s used the most on it is “lesbian ninjas.”
A: Ah. Mmm-hmm. Not surprising.
Q: Yes. Well, the thing is, truth be told, there really aren’t so many ninjas in the world these days…
A: Oh. Really?
Q: Mmm-hmm. Just not a lot of call for that type of work.
A: Pity, really.
Q: … That people aren’t having each other garroted in their sleep as much as they used to?
A: Um… well, what’s your point?
Q: My point is, you use the words “lesbian ninja” – quite often specifically “Apple lesbian ninja” – an awful lot considering that, by my calculations, there are probably two actual lesbian ninjas in the world right now.
A: Oh, I’m fairly certain you’re wrong about that.
Q: And there’s very little likelihood that either of them work for a computer company in Cupertino, California.
A: You are way off-base here.
Q: Well, if you have information to the contrary…
A: See, ninjas are stealthy. It’s not like they answer the door when the census people come by. They probably just sneak up behind them and slit them open from sternum to pelvis with… with… the lid of a tuna can… or something else… handy.
Q: I think the people at the census bureau might notice that.
A: No, no, no. See, they’re too afraid to mention it.
Q: OK, look, whatever. I’m just saying that your obsession with this mythical collection of lesbian ninjas who work for Apple Computer probably points to some deep form of psychosis that… wait… Is someone there? What the…? [glack!]
A: … Uh…
A: Um… hello?
A: Yep. There you go. Lesbian ninjas got him. You just can’t go shootin’ your mouth off like that.