Long-time followers of Crazy Apple Rumors Site know that Apple Senior Vice President of Worldwide Product Marketing Phil Schiller is a CARS patron, advocate and friend.
It’s kind of weird, really.
But anyway, our connection to the S-dawg allowed us the opportunity to get the word straight from the horse’s mouth about the uproar generated this week over the hiring of HP’s Allison Johnson. CARS sat down with Schiller over lunch today to discuss his future at Apple.
CARS: First of all, thank you for meeting with us, Phil.
SCHILLER: My pleasure.
CARS: Oh, no. It’s our pleasure.
SCHILLER: I know. I was just being polite.
CARS: Um… OK. Uh… thanks? Well. There’s been a lot of turmoil in the Mac community in the last 24 hours over Apple’s hiring of Allison Johnson as Vice President of Worldwide Marketing and Communications. Can you reassure Mac users that you won’t be going anywhere?
SCHILLER: Absolutely. Allison will be in charge of Worldwide Marketing, yes, but I will continue to be Senior Vice President of Worldwide Product Marketing. Basically, I will continue to focus on marketing Apple’s products at a senior level, while Allison will… well, I don’t know what she’s going to do, really. I think she has to deal with the advertisers which, frankly, is a royal pain. Like taking a puck to the groin. But suffice it to say that while in the future my position, responsibilities and office square footage at Apple may be changing, I will continue to be there every day, giving ninety-five percent!
CARS: … Ninety… five?
SCHILLER: Oh. Did I say ninety-five? I meant one hundred. Or at least ninety-eight. Except on Fridays. It’s like ninety on Fridays. There are a lot of… beer socials.
CARS: Yes, I’ve heard that. Now, you mentioned your responsibilities might be changing. Can you give us any insights into what you’ll be doing for Apple from here on out?
SCHILLER: As you know, Apple’s core business is shifting from the Mac to consumer electronics like the iPod. My attention will be redirected to the areas where the… how should I put this?… stock options are the highest.
CARS: I see.
SCHILLER: So, expect to see me winging to dinners in L.A. with music industry executives and appearing at swanky events from coast to coast!
CARS: Oh. Well, isn’t that pretty much what you do now?
SCHILLER: Um… yes, but my entourage will be bigger.
CARS: Ah. And I imagine there will be more bling-bling.
SCHILLER: Absolutely! I have several gold chains on order.
CARS: That’d be… a good look for you.
SCHILLER: I think so. So does my style consultant.
CARS: Well, let me just ask…
WAITER: Your check, gentlemen.
CARS: Oh… thanks.
CARS: Let’s see here… You had the club…
SCHILLER: Yeah… Shall we just split it?
CARS: Well, I just had a salad.
SCHILLER: You had lobster.
CARS: I did not!
SCHILLER: You’re still wearing the bib.
CARS: Dammit. I thought I was still wearing the apron from that sandwich place I’m moonlighting at.
SCHILLER: You have that on, too. Look, I’ll just get it.
CARS: Oh, really? That’d be… You don’t have to do that.
SCHILLER: No, no. I insist. I don’t know why, but I insist.
CARS: Well… thanks. And good luck in the future at Apple.
SCHILLER: Oh, don’t worry about me! I’m like a cat! I always land on my back!
CARS: I think that’s “feet”.
SCHILLER: I know, but when you land on a big pile of money, you don’t care if you land on your back or your feet.
CARS: Right. Well, I valet parked, so…
SCHILLER: I thought your mom dropped you off.
CARS: Oh. I was… hoping you hadn’t seen that.