25 Feb 05Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today the Help Desk is answering questions about Apple’s decision to only include USB 2.0 cables with iPods instead of Firewire! Don’t they love you anymore?!

Q: I just heard that Apple no longer includes a Firewire cable with iPods and I am livid! I don’t understand this! After all I’ve done for Apple, how could they treat me so shabbily?! I’ve owned a Classic II, two Quadras, an iMac and an iBook! I thought I was special! Now I find out it’s all some grand scheme to get “profit”! I loved this company! I feel so used. Where is the love? Where?!
A: Oh, please. You’re a cheap, tawdry tart who never thought twice about steppin’ out on Apple!
Q: Wha-what?! I never!
A: “Quadra boo-hoo! iMac boo-hoo!” You disgust me! What about that Palm Pilot you bought instead of a Newton?!
Q: It was like $800 cheaper!
A: And what about that time you laughed when the IT guys at work joked about the Mac?!
Q: I… I have low self-esteem! I was just trying to fit in!
A: Fine. Fine. Then what about the time you bought an eMachine?! WHAT ABOUT THAT?!
Q: WHAAAAAAAA-HAAAAAAAAAA! You’re right! You’re right! I’m a terrible customer! I don’t deserve Apple! I don’t!
A: You’d be lucky if they agreed to sell you iPod socks.
Q: I… I don’t really want any…
Q: OK! OK! I’ll… buy some iPod socks… if they’ll let me.
A: OK, then. Heh, you know, sadly, this is how they get most of their iPod socks sales.

Q: I’m not here to argue that Apple should include a Firewire cable because I have an older Mac or, worse, that they should just throw in both. But Firewire is a superior product to USB 2.0. It’s faster and… and, um… the plugs look cooler. Well, anyway, the name is way better. So why should Apple move away from a superior technology?
A: You’re completely misunderstanding the situation. This isn’t about the technical merits.
Q: No?!
A: No. It’s about the beautiful babies of the Apple world.
Q: Um… what?
A: Look, when you’ve been around the babies as much as I have, you know what they like. And I’m telling you that the swingin’ babies of the Mac world prefer USB 2.0 to Firewire. I don’t know about you, but when I’m out at a bar lookin’ to hang with some beautiful babies, I don’t want to be caught with a Firewire cable in my pants, if you know what I mean.
Q: I really, really don’t.
A: That, my friend, is why you don’t make it with the beautiful babies.
Q: Is there someone else there I could talk to?

Q: I don’t really understand what the big fuss about this issue is. Firewire and USB 2.0 are completely compatible. You can easily use the included USB 2.0 cable with your Firewire connection.
A: I think you’re wrong about that.
Q: No, no. I’ve researched this and there are three ways to do it. First, when you get your iPod, carefully unpack the USB cable and grasp it firmly at the connector. Then, making sure that the connections line up perfectly, jam it as hard as you can into an available Firewire port.
A: That’s… not going to work. And it’ll probably ruin both the cable and the port.
Q: Exactly. That’s why I came up with options 2 and 3.
A: Ah.
Q: The second method is to strip the USB cable down to its wires. Using a pair of crimping tools, take the copper wires and hold them against your motherboard. Using a soldering iron, connect them physically to…
A: Wait. Does this work either?
Q: Nnno. Not really.
A: So what’s option 3?
Q: Ah! Glad you asked. This is what I ended up doing. Um… two machines later.
A: Of course.
Q: You know the little Firewire icon that looks like the symbol for radioactive material?
A: Uh-huh.
Q: Just cover that and the USB symbol up with a little model paint and then paint them back on but with the Firewire symbol where the USB port is and vice versa.
A: And… you found this worked for you?
Q: Oh, totally! I mean, my Firewire port is a little slower now and my USB port is a little faster, but it saved me $19!
A: Not including the two Macs you ruined.
Q: Rrrright. And the model paint.
A: Rrrright.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. K.S. says:


  2. K.S. says:

    My first first by the way, a very good way to start the weekend indeed 🙂

  3. K.S. says:

    any favorite parts of CARS articles? So far mine is :

    “In addition to being able to publish your playlist on the iTunes Music Store, you can also “publish your ass.” Although documentation was sketchy on how, exactly, that would be accomplished. Actually, there’s just a bullet point that said “iTunes 4.5 allows you to publish your ass.” I don’t know what that means, really. I talked to some other people and they weren’t sure either. We’ll make some calls. I don’t think it’s a typo, because it was on the press release, too. It actually says “…publish your ass, bitch.”

    oh, third

  4. Jon says:

    Fourth, dangit!

  5. K.S. says:

    hehe, next time, next time

  6. Spike says:

    Seventh. Or fourth by an independent poster.

    Off to read the article…

  7. Streetrabbit says:

    The problem with Firewire is the picture it’s name conjures up. The imagery of a burning hot wire just doesn’t appeal to a species with as many orifices as us.

    Given a name like…say…Fluffypillow now that would sell no problem. It’s comfortable and something the genteel folks of the IT community could live with. Let’s end the nightmares.



    Mummy?…Mummy is that you in the closet? Mummy?…MUMMMY…MMUUMMMMEEEEE!

  8. Carl says:

    My favorite thing about CARS has gotta be the Schiller-mania they inspire. A lot of other websites mention Schiller off hand, but only CARS goes in depth into the life of the Big S.

    Can we have a special 10 part series on speculation about whether Phil is, as I believe, Canadian?

    Also, what’s up with that mullet?

  9. K.S. says:

    Does CARS have anything against Steve Jobs? They seem to draw a somewhat dark picture of him at times, especially compared to Schiller

  10. Ozi says:

    is this 11th? Could it be? Really?

    I feel so loved…

  11. Huck says:

    Noooooo! So close! I wanted it so bad! Almost as bad as Moltz wants beautiful babies!

  12. Kremit says:

    Well… after almost dieing (sp?) twice in a D&D campaign…. here I come to find nowhere near as many posts as I expected at 4 in the morning local time. Now its time to try these methods on my G5.. Step 1…unpack the USB cable….

  13. Switcher says:

    USB2 ?!!?

    What USB2 ?

    I always thought that ipod-thingie was a serial / parallel device !

    And what is this Firewire thing ?

  14. Bellidancer says:

    I am disturbed. Is help desk really attracted to babies? Swinging babies? In Bars? That’s disgusting! Babes I could understand. Swinging babes in bars is cool. But BABIES?!?!!?! This could be a serious problem. Apple Legal is one thing, the FBI won’t just come in and politely hand you an injunction, they’ll toss your ass in jail if you be messing with babies!!!!

  15. Anonymous says:

    This is the best I’ve seen in a while, nice!

  16. Someonelse says:


    CARS pretty much sums it all up:

    “Is there someone else I could talk to.”

  17. mrme118 says:

    CARS you’re just so money and you don’t even know it!

    I’m so glad you guys could book Vince Vaughn to answer questions. very impressive.

  18. greenacres says:

    I’m along for the ride with Bellidancer on this one. I was a bit taken aback by the use of the term ‘babies’. In a couple of weeks my wife will give birth to our second and I definitely want to make sure he is NOT hanging around the bars with the other babies. It’s bad enough with their addiction to the ‘bottle’, why make it worse by sending them to a bar?!

  19. idlewyld says:

    One of the Mac Geniuses at the retail store told me that most USB only puts out .5 milli-amps (mA?). And that the iPod mini needs at least 1 milli-amp to charge the iPod.

    All this because my iPod wasn’t fully charging off of my iBook and the battery was short. So instead of giving me a new iPod replacement, he told me to use the AC adapter. Well, at least I bought my iPod when it came with an AC adapter, even though I’d really like the 18 hour battery and extra 2 Gigabytes of storage.

  20. Huck says:

    Yeah, Firewire can handle an amp of current.

    Interestingly, some USB devices get around the 500mA limit (like hubs and certain laptop drives), by splitting the USB cable into two plugs on one end so as to take twice the USB power, though only one transfers data. Quite a hack, really.

  21. Mr. Impossible says:

    Jef Raskin just died. It’s sad. Strange man, but still – he had a definite impact on the Macintosh community, for all his ramblings and vitriolic rants against the current UI.

  22. Shum says:

    Oh, yeah.

    CARS is always the first site I check in the morning.

  23. Streetrabbit says:

    I know most of you write your posts while sitting in a bath of custard drinking peach schnapps, but unfortunately the humorous surrealism of that isn’t being conveyed in your words.

    Let’s forget the milli amps and dead gui guys and get on with some….other stuff.

    You know, for kids!

  24. ijit says:

    I’m writing posts from a windows pc.

    but its alright … I ordered my my first mac 6 weeks ago. They said it was coming in 1-2 weeks … I have hope, It will be at home by tomorow, it must be.

  25. John Jacob Jingleheimer Schiller says:

    Was it just me or did anyone else not see the Invisible Evil Boys’ Choir not performing at last night’s oscar?

    I can say I knew them back when.

  26. UhhhDude says:

    I can just imagine what they and Beyonce did backstage after they sang together. Bootylicious, indeed!

  27. Invisible Evil Boy's Choir says:







  28. Del says:

    Yeah the “babies in bars” comment bothered me too! I’ve seen Clockwork Orange. I remember what those Milk Bars were all about. Very disturbing you guys. I think the FBI will be on your doorstep by this afternoon.

  29. amazon says:

    I was thinking, since more computers have usb2 than firewire, and even more have the ‘enter’ key than usb2, why not transfer music and recharge music through the ‘enter’ key?

  30. Del says:

    Another case in point of Apple cutting back on “Extras”.

    I’m beginning to think that Apple was replaced by an alternate universe evil Apple. Has anyone noticed if Apple now has a beard? That is the only sure way to tell.

  31. Bellidaner says:

    Well Steve Jobs often does that half shaved…forgot to shave kind of thing. Is that what you mean, Del? When Jobs is clean shaved he’s the good Steve, went it looks like he hasn’t used a razor in a couple a three days, it’s the evil Steve? Is that what you are talking about?

  32. Streetrabbit says:

    I recently bought a bluetooth mouse and was punched in the face just after I handed the money over. Heading to the bus stop, clutching a hanky to my bloodied nose, I was followed by two shadow figures dressed in black turtle necks who bundled me into a sack and drove off with me in the boot of a car. I thought I was done for but when the car stopped and they let me out, they’d driven me home!

    How’s that for service!

  33. Bellidaner says:

    Streetrabbit, This incident displays the duality we are concerned about. Good Apple vs. Bad Apple. Good product/ Bust in the chops / Kidnap / Ride Home… It evened out.

    The real question is…Were they bearded or not.

  34. Streetrabbit says:

    All I saw were the turtle necks and the glasses, I knew what was coming next so I closed my eyes.

    No wait…one of them may have given me a kiss on both cheeks when they dropped me off. Was it scratchie? Yes I think it was!

  35. Anonymous says:

    I think it’s rather sad how many people have commented on the babies thing while missing the blatant “Swingers” reference.

  36. Jon says:

    Has anyone else here been checking dellrumors.com?