28 Feb 05CARS Visiting Editorialist Series

Crazy Apple Rumors Site is proud to announce an exciting new series that builds on the great tradition of such ongoing CARS series as Crazy Apple Help Desk, Crazy Apple Point/Counterpoint, Inside Apple, CARS Office Update and No Post Today.

Tapping the web community at large, CARS will be inviting experts from far and wide to opine from time to time on subjects Mac. Our Visiting Editorialist Series might have a Cory Doctorow discuss the digital rights management scheme in iTunes. It might have a Dan Gillmor take a look at Apple’s lawsuits against rumor sites and their effect on freedom of the press. It might have a John Carmack analyze the state of gaming on the Mac.

And when I say “a Cory Doctorow”, “a Dan Gillmor” and “a John Carmack” I mean non-famous guys who just happen to have the same names as those famous guys. Because we’d never be able to get the famous guys. For starters, some of them might want to be compensated and we just can’t afford that.

Particularly after we bought that llama.

I don’t know what we were thinking when we did that.

And don’t ask Howard to herd it because you’ll get this long sarcastic tirade about how, ooh, he’s the dog so he must herd other animals, mustn’t he?! Mmm-hmm! And then he’ll ask you if you asked Masako if she would herd it, hmm? Hmm? Have you?! No, you bloody well haven’t!

Sheesh. He’s a little thin-skinned about the whole “dog” thing for a guy who doesn’t think twice about licking his balls at a staff meeting.

Anyway, the premier edition of CARS Visiting Editorialist Series features acclaimed web author Todd Poirot. Todd is the proprietor of the Windows Mega Resource Site and is a long-time advocate of Windows.

Like it really needs one.

But, we asked Todd to write an editorial detailing why he considered Windows superior to the Mac.

That’s… not what he wrote.

Well, take it away, Todd.

The iPod shuffle.

Slim. White. Stylish. Affordable.

That thing is so stupid it pisses me off to look at it.

It has no screen! That’s bullshit! Total bullshit! You MAC users are being scammed!


And, um, all the Windows users also buying iPod shuffles are also being scammed. But I think slightly less so for some reason.

Look, let me explain this to you as simply as I can, just like I explained things to that waiter in Paris who didn’t speeka da Eenglish and wanted to give me that god damn Belgian crap instead of a Bud Lite:

The iPod shuffle is just a fricking flash drive! That plays music! And looks cool!

It’s a scam!

Why don’t you people get that?!

And Macs. I don’t “get” Macs, OK? I’m not “down” with them. I don’t “get my groove on” with OS X, understand? I’m not “jiggie with” how it’s the most user-friendly desktop implementation of UNIX. Savvy? I don’t “drop acid” and “hang out” with my “funky liberal commie pals” in some sort of “multiple-partner sex ring.” Got it?


Well, that was…

OK, that wasn’t a very good start.

No Responses to “CARS Visiting Editorialist Series”

  1. Dr. Kildare says:

    I would like to make an insightful comment here, but I’m not insightful. Oh, and pirst fost.

  2. K.S. says:


  3. Tristrami says:

    Am I really Third?

  4. fourth says:

    fourth!!! (maybe)

  5. K.S. says:

    nice, a new series

  6. smrt persoan says:

    wow, fourth, that’s the highest I’ve ever gotten!

  7. Jon says:

    Seventh? Oh, and sorry about getting sixth, smrt persoan.

  8. MacMastery says:

    What time do you have to get up to get first post? Sheesh!

  9. OverclockedLemon says:

    Around, oh, 10:15 PM from the looks of it.

  10. Ozi says:

    Again I claim the eleventh post.

    But dont feel bad.

    Not everyone can be as awesome as me.

    On a related subject, well done on this exciting new saga of CARS posts! The editorial section may one day rise to challenge the success of the “No Post Today” series.

  11. Huck says:

    Oh yes, I disagree. It was a very good start! Though perhaps the series should be renamed “Getting Windows users so irate that they reveal embarassing personal information”.

  12. Streetrabbit says:

    Get someone funny next time, that guy sounded too for real.

  13. JYF says:


  14. Could the “No Post Today” series be expanded to include “No Comments Today”? CARS could get some famous posters not to post on that day. I can think of a few right now I would love not to post.

  15. Carl says:

    I want to hear Pogue’s take on Schiller-mania.

    Also, what does Rob Griffiths wear under the suit?

  16. Bludge says:

    I want to know more about the llama. Like, what’s its name?

    Tell us ’bout the llamas, George.

  17. UhhhDude says:

    That story was bogus.

    Because if Todd Poirot REALLY went to Paris and hassled a waiter like that, they would have beaten him to a bloody pulp with their sabots.

    Because Paris waiters are livin’ on the edge. And they don’t take too kindly to ugly Americans. Especially if they actually admit to liking Microsoft products.

  18. frances says:

    Want to know how to get the most out of your new llama? Try American McGee’s official Llama FAQ. Definitely not safe for work.


  19. Del says:

    Bellidancer continuing our bearded thread from yesterday.

    I don’t know if you ever saw one of The Original Startrek episodes called Mirror, Mirror. Basically some of the main characters got swapped with evil characters from the alternate universe. The evil spock character had a beard. So I figured if evil Apple got swapped with good Apple it would have a beard.

  20. MacStansbury says:

    I’ve just decided that the only thing better than getting the eleventh post is watching somebody else get it, and then watching Huck cuss up a storm.


  21. Bellidancer says:

    Yes, Del, I remember that episode! Evil Spock was excellent! And actually not that different from good Spock. In fact, unlike the evil Kirk, evil Spock could have traded places with the good Spock and gotten away with it. (Maybe that was why the beard, to keep them separate.) In fact Evil Spock would do good for evil reasons… so it could be hard to tell if he was doing good or evil!!!

    So you’re saying that like good and evil Spock, good and evil Apple could constantly be trading places back and forth and we wouldn’t even know!!!! except for the beard!!! And we shouldn’t pay attention to the apparent good or evil of Apple’s actions because like Spock, Apple is so deep and complex (and conflicted) and has knowledge and scientific ability far beyond that of mortal man (in the generic sense of course) that we can’t judge Apple’s actions. We should just watch for beard or no beard??!!! But we can’t always see Apple’s face!!!

    And Wait, if good Apple always does good, and evil Apple sometimes does good for evil reasons…then about a quarter of the time we have no clue what is the hell Apple is doing?

    No… here is where your theory breaks down, Del. That is WAY too low a percentage. No one can figure out what in the hell Apple is doing at least half the time. In fact, I think eighty percent of the time Apple leaves people shaking their heads and wondering what is the hell is Apple thinking.

    Oh and back on topic, Now that he is dead, I think Jef Raskin would be an excellent candidate for CARS Visiting Editorialist series. I would love to hear his perspective on the Mac GUI especially from a heavenly perspective. (I am of course assume Heaven uses Macs, and Purgatory uses Linux.)

  22. Abbu Bakr says:

    Is it just me, or has the quality of CARS’s stories been declining lately? I can understand that the staff might be a little drained after battling Tentaculus with the space lasers and… the Triscuits… and the, um… well, to be perfectly honest I usually just skim the articles. At any rate, they should be off their asses by now. Or the lesbian ninja sexbots’ asses. Or the llama’s. I’m not here to judge. But llamas and sexbots need rest too. Actually, I guess it’s just the llamas. Damn things sleep all day.

  23. blank says:

    In Todd’s tirade, like most, we can find the real source of his problems toward the end: No one ever invited him to join their multiple-partner sex ring.

    Life’s tough, isn’t it?

  24. Skip says:

    Nothing about the death of Mac inventor Jef (aka “Jeff”) Raskin?

    I heard a rumor he’s not really dead, merely rebooting.

  25. Alternate Universe Schiller says:


    I would like to assure you that I do not trade places with your Phil Schiller every Thursday at our 10:00am staff meeting. The eerie lights, otherworldly sounds, and sundry attendant special effects are nothing more than the normal process of starting up the Café Macs espresso machine.

  26. brasten says:

    Dell thinks it’s a great idea:


  27. Sigmund Freud says:

    Now buying with ze Llama Jon/Howard? I fear ze relapse :-<

    As ze rest of you may recall I once deduced that Jon is actually ze figment of Howard’s unrestrained imagination. And Howard can lick ze balls because, unlike us bipedal mammals, he can.

    So now Jon/Howard is with ze Llama and this expression of Howard’s frustrations made palpable exposes more of Howard’s internal conflict. Why ze Llama you ask?

    Well, as you know ze Llama is really a South American Camel without ze hump! No hump! He, he.

    Howard, being ze Dog, has no control over ze humping action. Ergo, Howard still has “issues” with his uncontrolleable Dog self, humping every bipedal mammal that passes by, and has given a Llama, a Camel without ze hump, to Jon, Howard’s constrained manifestation of himself.

    Such a cry for help from a little doggie I have never heard before!

  28. John Jacob Jingleheimer Schiller says:

    I was really hoping for another in the “No Post Today” series. I am waiting with baited breath to see how the story line turns out from the last in the No Post series – even more than I am waiting to see what the hatch in Lost signifies.

    Ah well, maybe tomorrow.

    I need to go out now.

  29. I'm Flexible says:

    I got fired for licking my balls in a staff meeting once.

  30. Switcher says:

    Thanxalot Dellrumors.com, i’m gonna buy a brand new Dell, RIGHT NOW ! Sooo beautiful stuff.

    And by the way, you’ll hardly find someone wearing “sabots” these days…

    Too old-fashioned maybe. Cold weather too.

  31. Anonymous says:

    Where did you pay for a llama? The ones we had were free.