22 Apr 05Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I’ve only recently converted to the Mac and I’m curious about something. Is it normal to have frequent hallucinations that you’re shrinking and falling into the optical drive and you go one a fantastic voyage through the inner workings of the machine – traveling along with several wood elves, a satyr and a drunk union worker from Local 352 – until you reach the CPU and achieve total enlightenment?
A: That depends. Are you on mescaline?
Q: Yes.
A: Then absolutely.
Q: Oh, good. Now, what about the scorpions?
A: Oh, those are real. You should seek medical attention immediately.
Q: Thank you. I will.

Q: After using Macs for fourteen years, I was rather surprised when I recently purchased a 17-inch PowerBook. When did the Mac start coming with a sense of longing for a feeling of “place” in a vast and ever expanding universe?
A: Since last year’s Macworld San Francisco keynote. Before that it was a feeling of oneness with all life, yet alienation from those closest to you.
Q: Interesting. Now, let’s say I was looking for a vague yearning to be recognized, but a calm inner peace, as if a boat on still waters?
A: PowerBook 520c.
Q: eBay, here I come!

Q: I’m taking parts of various Macs and cobbling them together to make one super-Mac. I’ve taken the style of the G4 Cube, the power of the Power Mac G5, the compactness of the PowerBook 2400 and the sense of je ne sais quoi of the Color Classic. Is there anything I’m missing?
A: You certainly have the makings of a fine Mac. But consider the gravitas of the SE/30. As well as the specific gravity of the Mac Portable.
Q: What about the “in your face” untimeliness of the Performa 6400?
A: Too derivative of the “in your face” untimeliness of the Mac 512ke. No, what you’re looking for is the “bring it” attitude of the Duo 270c.
Q: Ah, that’s good. Now if I could just get rid of the smell of failure of the Mac TV…
A: And the smell of burning of the PowerBook 5300.
Q: Oh, so that’s what that was…

35 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Streetrabbit says:

    And again. WoooHooo

  2. Dan Pourhadi says:

    I hear-by claim second in the name of .

  3. Dan Pourhadi says:

    Yes, in the name of period.

    Got a problem with that?

  4. Anonymous says:


  5. Anonymous says:


  6. UhhhDude says:


  7. weedle says:


  8. numbers man says:

    eight is great

  9. leftshoe says:

    12th(I can’t count)

  10. PoisedNoise says:

    Oh, I’ll set it up then…. and it’s taken by:

  11. Sledge says:

    one one mwaaaahaaahahhahahaaa

  12. Todd says:


  13. 2000guitars says:

    put me in here, too

  14. Souper says:


  15. Joe says:


  16. Jude the Obscure says:

    Apparently the article was too esoteric.

  17. Streetrabbit says:

    I think the Help Desk must’ve been manned (sorry personned) by contract staff this week because each problem was answered professionaly, sympathetically and resolved to a satisfactory end. In fact the customers seemed to have an overall enjoyable experience.

  18. post in box says:

    Apple should start again making those good solid reliable speedy Performas.

  19. Ace Deuce says:

    My first new paid-for Mac was a Performa. They just don’t name computers like that any more.








    Ah, those were the days!

  20. Bellidancer says:

    Great Help Desk ( I think you’re right, Streetrabbit!)

    I think the client might consider:

    The sleek coolness of the Titanium PB

    The sassy cheekiness of the Tangerine iBook

    The awesome presence of the Mac II FX

    Ace Duece, as great as those names are, I can’t see any of those names as Apple brands. (Dell, IBM, Sony, Alienware, Compaq, Gateway, and… I don’t know… any off Wintell box?)

  21. Ace Deuce says:

    Yeah, product names can really be cheesy.

    KLH used to give their hi-fi products names like Model Twelve, Model Eight, etc., which is perhaps too hoity-toity.

    Will we see a Mac Midi and a Mac Maxi?

  22. Tristrami says:

    This was the best Help Desk in a long time.

  23. Anonymous says:

    awesome help desk moltz

  24. Ugly John says:

    UGLY JOHN!!!!!! HAHAHAH!!!!!!! UGLY JOHN!!!!!!!!!!


    UGLY JOHN!!!!!!!! AAAARRRGGRGHH!!!!!!! UGLY UGLY JOHN!!!!!!!!!

  25. a disgruntled reader says:

    What the..? Your site sure does attract weird people.

    I’m normal.

  26. weedle says:

    How can you be normal when I’m normal?

  27. RM says:

    Ooh. I totally still have my 520c. To eBay I go.

  28. blank says:

    How about the “up yours” kludgyness of the PB 3500? (a.k.a. ‘kanga,’ a G3 crammed into a machine designed for a 603e)

    Compare/contrast to the sublime PB G3 series (Wallstreet). The 292 MHz version with the 83 MHz bus was the fastest laptop around for over a year!

  29. Abe Lincolnlogski says:

    Update: iTunes Australia is also expected to be released on April 28th according to Russell Crowe:

    [Russell Crowe] said the local iTunes Music Store would become available on April 28, just a day before the launch of Apple’s new operating system Tiger X

    Earlier rumors had placed the launch in late April.


    Any chance that Russell will sign on with CARS, now that he’s an Ace Apple Rumors Reporter? Do you think Apple will sue him for leaking info? What about a new branch, “CARS: Down Under”?

  30. support seeker says:

    this is a much easier to obtain the info i need support site.

    willthe beige g3 desktop and the b & w g3 run either panther or tiger?

  31. anzac says:

    c a a r s

  32. To: Support Seeker

    “Cannot Predict Now”

  33. Helpdesk says:

    So far, a system with firewire seems to be the cut-off for enlightenment.

  34. Cerambus says:

    To Support Seeker:

    To install Panther you need any Mac with a built in USB port. This rules out the Beige G3. But I have run Panther on many a B&W G3 and it runs quite nicely.

    To install Tiger you’ll need any machine with a built in FireWire port. This will limit your options further of course, but I think all B&W’s came with FireWire ports. Only the pre ‘DV’ iMacs, Beige G3’s and older came without them from memory. Just throw lots of RAM at it!

    No, adding a USB or FireWire PCI card to your Beige G3 will not make it compatible. Sorry. : /

    This does not however stop you from putting the Hard Drive from your Beige machine into the B&W, installing Panther, putting it back in the Beige G3 and attempting to boot from it. Don’t think i’d try that with Tiger though, the 2MB (or 6MB if you were lucky) of VRAM probably won’t handle widgets. Ahah, heh.. yeah.

    I never tried it with mine as I was happy with 10.2.8 then: Hey Presto! Along came my Dual 2Ghz G5, so yeah, not a huge incentive. ; )

    There may be other requirements (That 6GB HD is looking mighty small now) that I cannot recall at this point.

    Best of luck.

    First Post! If you read the entire thread in kaepS leD.