Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: I’ve only recently converted to the Mac and I’m curious about something. Is it normal to have frequent hallucinations that you’re shrinking and falling into the optical drive and you go one a fantastic voyage through the inner workings of the machine – traveling along with several wood elves, a satyr and a drunk union worker from Local 352 – until you reach the CPU and achieve total enlightenment?
A: That depends. Are you on mescaline?
A: Then absolutely.
Q: Oh, good. Now, what about the scorpions?
A: Oh, those are real. You should seek medical attention immediately.
Q: Thank you. I will.
Q: After using Macs for fourteen years, I was rather surprised when I recently purchased a 17-inch PowerBook. When did the Mac start coming with a sense of longing for a feeling of “place” in a vast and ever expanding universe?
A: Since last year’s Macworld San Francisco keynote. Before that it was a feeling of oneness with all life, yet alienation from those closest to you.
Q: Interesting. Now, let’s say I was looking for a vague yearning to be recognized, but a calm inner peace, as if a boat on still waters?
A: PowerBook 520c.
Q: eBay, here I come!
Q: I’m taking parts of various Macs and cobbling them together to make one super-Mac. I’ve taken the style of the G4 Cube, the power of the Power Mac G5, the compactness of the PowerBook 2400 and the sense of je ne sais quoi of the Color Classic. Is there anything I’m missing?
A: You certainly have the makings of a fine Mac. But consider the gravitas of the SE/30. As well as the specific gravity of the Mac Portable.
Q: What about the “in your face” untimeliness of the Performa 6400?
A: Too derivative of the “in your face” untimeliness of the Mac 512ke. No, what you’re looking for is the “bring it” attitude of the Duo 270c.
Q: Ah, that’s good. Now if I could just get rid of the smell of failure of the Mac TV…
A: And the smell of burning of the PowerBook 5300.
Q: Oh, so that’s what that was…