19 Aug 05Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Crazy Apple Help Desk – the Noh version!

What is Noh?

If you gotta ask, you can’t afford it.

Q: Eeeeeeeeeeyooooooooooooo…
A: Um…
Q: Ooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaa…
A: You’re having a problem with…?
Q: Aaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy…
A: Um… your… PowerBook?
Q: Yyyyyyyyyyiiiiiiiiiiiiii!
A: Oh, your iBook!
Q: Beeeeyoooooooooooooooooo…
A: You can’t get it connected to…
Q: Oooooooooop!
A: A closed Airport network!
Q: Oooooooooop!
A: Um, an Ethernet network!
Q: Oooooooooop!
A: Uh, a power outlet!
Q: Oooooooooop!
A: A large wheel of cheddar cheese!
Q: No, no, no! Oh, for crying out loud! I want to install a DVD burner in my Quicksilver! Jeez! You weren’t even close!
A: Oh. Huh. See, I just don’t get Japanese theater.

A: Uh… hello?
A: Oh, I see. You’re going to pantomime it to me, as in the play Dojoji. OK. Fire away.
A: Uh… your countless attempts to upgrade to Tiger without destroying your home directory have failed, bringing shame upon your house and your master?
A: No, huh? OK! OK! I’ve got it! Your Wall Street PowerBook won’t connect to an early model Studio Display, bringing shame upon your house and your master!
A: Dammit! I thought for sure that thing you were doing with your leg… OK. One more try. You’ve got a Mac mini you want to use as a web server but can’t get Apache running consistently on 10.3, bringing shame upon your house and your master!
Q: Ha-ha! No!
A: Ah, shoot!
Q: Yeah, no! It was “downloads of the most recent security update fail to complete on my Blueberry iBook with 10.4 installed, bringing shame upon my house and my master!”
A: Ooooooh, of course! That was the leg thing!
Q: Right! Right! That was “security update”!
A: Sure… ack, it seems so obvious now, you know?
Q: Well, sure, but don’t beat yourself up. This was Kyushu style.
A: Ah, I thought I detected an accent!

Q: Wait a minute, wait a minute. You’ve totally mixed up Noh and Kabuki.
A: What? No I haven’t.
Q: Yes you have! In Noh, the actor moves in such a way to suggest the insubstantiality of his appearance. That’s completely at odds with the last question. And it’s Kabuki plays that commonly revolve around Buddhist notions such as the law of retributive justice and the impermanence of things!
A: N-no it isn’t.
Q: Yes it is! You’ve completely misrepresented the art!
A: Well… so what?
Q: …
A: …
Q: Well, I hadn’t thought of it that way.
A: No. I don’t imagine that you did.

41 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Zeb says:

    FIRST suckas!

  2. Zeb says:

    Deuce and read it boyeeeee!

  3. Next to second best says:


  4. Zeb says:

    Ummmm, hello? Am I alone here?

    :wimper: :sniff: :ack: (whatever that is…Moltz must be a cat owner…ack??? c’mon!)

  5. Ozi says:

    fünf, meine kleine scwarze Katzen.

  6. nxxx says:

    Sex, as we used to say in Latin classes

  7. 2 embarrassed says:


    Aint there an ‘h’ in black in German?

  8. disgusted Col Retd says:

    Humbly suggest that Moltz continues the Japanese cultural theme with Seppuku.

  9. Humbly suggest that Moltz continues the Japanese cultural theme with Pokémon Bukkake Hentai.

  10. Carl says:

    Humbly sets someone up for the 1+1=ロックのポスト!!

  11. Ozi says:

    yep. “Schwarz.” My bad.

  12. Huh? says:

    I just produced a poo of epic proportions. Words cannot do it justice. It was… beautiful!

    Just wanted to share.


  13. The poster formerly known as Anonymous says:

    Moltz, you have brought shame upon your house and master. The only way to restore honor is, as the Colonel suggested, to commit seppuku.

    Or continue writing funny stories. Whichever you prefer.

  14. Ozi says:

    But no commiting seppuku indoors. Slimy intestines are a horrible Occupational Health and Safety risk… it is fine to go out with a slash, but think of other people too. No need to cause sprained ankles with your death, you selfish bum.

  15. “I just produced a poo of epic proportions.”

    Oh, but was it of _biblical_ proportions?

  16. Nxxx says:

    Just off to hospital. Raptured myself laughing.

  17. ficko says:


    Photograph it and see if you can get a late entry into the pimp ApplEx competition. It’s a sure-fire winner.

  18. ficko says:


    Photograph it and see if John will let you have a late entry to the PimpApplEx competition. It’s a sure-fire winner.

  19. ficko says:

    Sorry about the double post but I sttttttttttttutttttttttter.

  20. Huh? says:

    Biblical proportions?

    Oh, yes. The water parted when it entered.

    Truly amazing. But alas, it is gone now. Flushed into oblivion along with other less worthy poos. A kind of poo purgatory.


  21. Switcher says:

    Vingt et un.

  22. Tony Blair says:

    Can’t say as this Friday Help Desk was very interesting. Can we get back to cricket?

  23. iBode says:

    Got that Moltz?

    Yeah, that’s what I thought.

  24. Mario 'Fingers' Morelli says:


    The waters parted, but did you?

  25. a-non-e-mouse says:

    I *knew* that Asian Studies degree would come in handy some day!

  26. Lofwyr says:

    Wow, this week’s help desk was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. Keep it up, or commit seppuku immediately!

    (posting from Tokyo)

  27. nxxx says:

    Some berk is using our beloved Prime Minister’s name in vain.

    ‘Our Tone’…………. types three words……………then pauses for………..a while before……………continuing and adding…………….that he is…………….a regular type……………of guy.

    In other words, he posts like he speaks. And then there is the complete lack of underarm sweat. Obviously bogus.

  28. OverclockedLemon says:

    Uh, if you raptured yourself laughing, wouldn’t you not exist on the mortal plane any more? Actually, if you can rapture yourself, should we all be worshipping you? Or perhaps you are a false messiah! Kill the false messiah!

  29. Mr. Mann says:

    I love HOT asian chicks!

  30. nxxx says:

    Overclocked Lemon,

    I’m so old, it would be a waste of time to kill me. Just be patient.

    On the technical side, what is the normal clock speed for a lemon?

    What speed are you clocked at?

    How did you achieve this divine state of overclockedness?

    Sorry to be so inquisitive, but I am trying to overclock a grape.

  31. Streetrabbit says:

    Watch out for those hot Kabuki chicks though…unless you’re a lesbian ninja…no wait…that wouldn’t work either.

  32. John Moltz says:

    Congratulations to The Luminiferous Æther Bunny for the funniest comment I’ve read in a while.

  33. Sudo Nym says:

    I can’t believe no one has said, “Just say Noh!”

    I’m certainly not going to say it.

  34. Del says:


  35. 2 embarrassed says:

    Just pressed the blue John Moltz button on his “funniest comment” post and it put me into a loop.

    How the hell do you get out, or am I trapped in this Noh/Kubuki/Kyushu style play for ever.

    Heard of ‘Six Characters in Search of an Author’ but this is ridiculous.

  36. Psyko says:

    Kabukis are cool, and interesting, but for some reason they make you tired…


  37. sdsichero says:


  38. jp says:

    where is fuck is my monday rumor?

  39. John Moltz says:

    You’re not likely to get a lot of rumors with that kind of attitude, mister.

  40. jp says:

    When john moltz (typed in blue) responds directly to a comment is it better than being the eleventh poster?

  41. iBode says:

    Posting on every article in still listed in my Safari RSS feed.