As a noted Apple pundit, I’m often asked “What’s it like to be a noted Apple pundit?”
Well, for one thing, you get invited to a lot of pundit parties.
These run the gamut from sophisticated black tie affairs to weekends of drunken debauchery and all-night sex parties at the offices of Wired or Infoworld.
But it’s not all peaches and cream.
I once had to beat John Dvorak senseless with an in-flight magazine. As much fun as that sounds, it’s not a memory I relish.
It was in the first class section on a flight from New York to San Jose Dvorak had been drinking steadily the whole flight and was angrily demanding more peppermint Schnapps after being cut off somewhere over Nebraska. He had removed his button-down shortly after takeoff and was wearing just a sleeveless “wife beater” with pleated pants that he had forgotten to zip up after one of his repeated trips to the rest room, where he could be heard to yell loudly “Wha-what is that?! OH, MY GOD!”
I am a patient man. Indeed, my familiarity with the deadly arts demands that I be, lest I carelessly cut a swath through those around me, like a wood chipper through a puppet factory.
But when Dvorak began to sing “Mambo Number 5” at the top of his lungs, well, let’s just say no court in the world would convict me.
Anyway, I don’t want to go into the details, but I quickly incapacitated him and received a standing ovation from the passengers and crew.
Now, while there are the occasional fisticuffs, there’s also a lot of good.
Infoworld’s Jon Udell and I visit hospitals and teach kids with cancer how to download music from the iTunes Music Store and charge it all to former RIAA chief executive Hilary Rosen’s credit card. Andy Ihnatko and I spend Sunday mornings with our dogs chasing geese away from the airport runways.
And Macworld’s Jason Snell and I hunted down and killed a rabid polar bear that was terrorizing an Eskimo village.
Mean sucker, too. Jason had to stab it repeatedly while I wrestled it.
Oh, yes. We prefer to do that kind of thing by hand. It’s not necessary, it’s just a more visceral experience and seems more sporting.
Well, that’s just a small bit of what it’s like to be an Apple pundit.
There’s also some writing and research.