More With Thor.

As a noted Apple pundit, I’m often asked “What’s it like to be a noted Apple pundit?”

Well, for one thing, you get invited to a lot of pundit parties.

These run the gamut from sophisticated black tie affairs to weekends of drunken debauchery and all-night sex parties at the offices of Wired or Infoworld.

But it’s not all peaches and cream.

I once had to beat John Dvorak senseless with an in-flight magazine. As much fun as that sounds, it’s not a memory I relish.

It was in the first class section on a flight from New York to San Jose Dvorak had been drinking steadily the whole flight and was angrily demanding more peppermint Schnapps after being cut off somewhere over Nebraska. He had removed his button-down shortly after takeoff and was wearing just a sleeveless “wife beater” with pleated pants that he had forgotten to zip up after one of his repeated trips to the rest room, where he could be heard to yell loudly “Wha-what is that?! OH, MY GOD!”

I am a patient man. Indeed, my familiarity with the deadly arts demands that I be, lest I carelessly cut a swath through those around me, like a wood chipper through a puppet factory.

But when Dvorak began to sing “Mambo Number 5” at the top of his lungs, well, let’s just say no court in the world would convict me.

Anyway, I don’t want to go into the details, but I quickly incapacitated him and received a standing ovation from the passengers and crew.

Now, while there are the occasional fisticuffs, there’s also a lot of good.

Infoworld’s Jon Udell and I visit hospitals and teach kids with cancer how to download music from the iTunes Music Store and charge it all to former RIAA chief executive Hilary Rosen’s credit card. Andy Ihnatko and I spend Sunday mornings with our dogs chasing geese away from the airport runways.

And Macworld’s Jason Snell and I hunted down and killed a rabid polar bear that was terrorizing an Eskimo village.

Mean sucker, too. Jason had to stab it repeatedly while I wrestled it.

Oh, yes. We prefer to do that kind of thing by hand. It’s not necessary, it’s just a more visceral experience and seems more sporting.

Well, that’s just a small bit of what it’s like to be an Apple pundit.

There’s also some writing and research.

34 thoughts on “More With Thor.”

  1. Great job Zeb on that first post! Glad to see someone so eager to take in my vast life experiences. Although you others came in pretty close, you’re all still LOSERS!

    Now off to 7-11 to buy some HoHo’s.

  2. Sirs,

    I’ve learnt something this morning, having people taken out and shot is not the only cure for the World’s ills.

    The fine example of Mr. Samson, no doubt encouraged by the saintly John Moltz, brought tears to my rheumy old eyes, and demonstrated that I’m a foolish old man, and shall now give orders that I am to be taken outside and shot.

    Disgusted Col Retd.

    post script:-Before I go, may I ask you all to write to

    His Holiness The Pope,

    The Vatican,

    Vatican City,

    V1 1AA

    requesting that John is beatified.

  3. Hmmmm. So it was more of a viceral experience than a visceral experience? Which vices were involved? Be specific.

  4. We already have a Saint John. (I don’t think his last name was Moltz, though.) There is also a Saint Paul and a Saint George. In my research, I have been unable to find any evidence of a Saint Ringo, which seems like a serious omission.

    I don’t think there will ever be a Saint Thor, due to that whole “no other gods before me” thing. But who am I to judge?

  5. Henry Vlll was right.

    Bloody Catholics.

    Burn them all!

    Nothing like a bit of religious bigotry to brighten up the morning.

  6. Sudo Nym and Streetrabbit,

    Bit more research, please.

    Who was the pre-Ringo drummer? If it was Pete, no problem, but my days as a screaming, wet seat-making wench, are long gone.

  7. Thor ran out of space and time to describe what he and I like to do together when he visits the UK. Take in a cricket match of course!

    IN the spirit of CARS, Thor and I have put together this Tuesday help desk in fervent belief that we know more than you do.

    Q: Can a batsman switch from batting right-handed to left-handed? Can the bowler do the same thing with their bowling hand?

    There is nothing in the laws of the game to stop the batsman from changing their batting style.

    A popular stroke in one-day cricket is the reverse sweep, where a right-handed batsman hits the ball like a left-handed batsman would and vice versa.

    However, if the bowler wants to do the same, they must inform the umpire they are changing their bowling style.

    The umpire must tell the batsman which arm the bowler will use to bowl, as well as which side of the wicket – ‘over’ or ’round’ the wicket – they are coming from.

    If the bowler changes his delivery style without informing the umpire, the umpire will call a no ball, adding a penalty run to the batting team’s total.

    Q: I’ve seen fielding teams leaving a helmet for the close-in fielder behind the wicket-keeper. But what happens if the ball hits the helmet?

    If the ball hits the helmet, the batting side automatically receive five penalty runs which will be added onto their total in the extras section.

    Q: Why don’t LBW appeals go to the video umpire?

    The video umpire can only make decisions on run-outs, stumpings or catches which the on-field umpires are unsure were taken cleanly.

    Academy: The LBW laws

    LBW decisions can only be made by the two umpires on the pitch.

    However, the International Cricket Council, the sport’s governing body, ran an experiment to refer LBW decisions to the third umpire during the 2002 ICC Champion’s Trophy in Sri Lanka.

    But the ICC decided not to go ahead with the change.

    The subject of referring LBW appeals to the third umpire was raised again during the third Ashes Test when Australian batsman Damien Martyn was given out leg before after the ball had first struck the inside edge of his bat.

    Q: Can you bowl under-arm? Can you bowl the ball all along the ground?

    The laws of the game say: “Under-arm bowling shall not be permitted except by special agreement before the match.”

    So unless there is a prior agreement, the umpire will call a no ball if an under-arm ball is delivered, adding a penalty run to the batting side’s total and another legitimate delivery must be bowled.

    The umpire will also call a no ball if the ball rolls all along the ground.

    This ruling was introduced after an infamous incident in 1981 when New Zealand needed six runs to win off the last ball of a one-day match against Australia in Melbourne.

    The then Australia captain (now India coach) Greg Chappell asked his brother Trevor to bowl the ball under-arm all along the ground to batsman Brian McKechnie.

    Needless to say, New Zealand did not win the match.

    Q: Can a runner be used all the time for a batsman who is not very good at running?

    A runner is a player from the batting team who literally runs for an injured batsman.

    But they can only be used if a player who they are running for has been injured during the course of a match.

    The batting team must receive permission from the umpire to use a runner and they must wear exactly the same protective equipment as the player they are running for.

    Q: Can the wicket-keeper take their pads off and bowl?

    Yes, they do not need permission from the umpire or opposing captain to do so.

    Q: Can a player kick the ball over the boundary?

    Yes, but the batsman will also receive the runs they have run before the ball was kicked over the boundary.

    So for example, if the batsman are in the process of running for a third run and have crossed when the ball was kicked over the boundary, the striker will receive seven runs.

    Q: How many times can the ball bounce before it reaches the batsman?

    The ball can only bounce a maximum of twice before it reaches batsman – any more than that and the umpire will call a no ball and another legitimate delivery must be bowled.

  8. There’s never a spaceship full of xenophobic robots from the planet Krikkit around when you need one, is there?

  9. At long last, some celebrity dish from Thor! Isn’t that what he was hired for?

    I have always wondered why John Dvorak was senseless. This would explain it, especially if the beating occurred around 1988.

  10. The Colonel does not seem himself. Is this an impostor?

    Or, is he on his deathbed with some horrendous and obscure disease, and is now seeking to redeem himself?

  11. Thor is my hero. That guy is a real man, not some four-eyes computer nerd hung up on getting back at everyone in the world for beating the snot out of him when he was a kid by overcharging for sub-standard software and reversing the bully role on the very companies that help keep his monopoly steamrolling the general computing public into virus-laden submission…

    no, sir. He’s got MOXIE!

  12. Wait – Saint John? I thought what the colonel was really requesting was that John be beaten when he asked that he be ‘beatified’. ‘Leastwise, that’s how we says it around these parts.

  13. What’s quickest way to end a cricket match?

    [trumpet fanfare]

    Announcer voice: Great moments in sport!

    [more trumpet]

    Announcer man: May 14, 1989. Twickford-on-Hutton, Twinkyshire. The legendary pitch at Walpole Heights hosted the The Queen’s-Sister’s-Dogcatchers-Flighty-Neighbor-All-England match.

    The tension was high as Leeds-upon-Kent led the 18th day of the match 429 to 428 against the hated Bathless-By-Serpant at Yorkshire.

    Well, just as the bowler starts his pitch a madman runs from the stands and kills nearly everyone with a machine gun. The few who escaped were fried to death when they ran headlong into an electrified fence.

    Happiest damn tea interval anyone ever saw.

    [Trumpet fanfare]

    This has been Great Moments in Sport. Good evening.

  14. Sorry Philo, but that was not near painful enough. Go to the Mega-Post and see how we deal with spammers… that is how a cricket match should end.

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