30 Aug 05Jobs Begins To Pupate.


Astonishing news from Apple today as sources say that CEO Steve Jobs has completely encased himself in a cocoon of silk and has entered into a pupal stage.

“At 9:45 AM this morning,” Apple spokesperson Cynthia McLaren said “Steve Jobs entered into a chrysalis of his own creation in order to hibernate and bring about a transformation into his next form. Steve is expected to emerge shortly before Macworld San Francisco.”

McLaren indicated that Jobs, after being a successful entrepreneur, the CEO of a Fortune 500 company and a force to be reckoned with in the entertainment industry he is ready to evolve yet again.

“Therefore, Steve ingested 147 silk shirts and regurgitated them in the form of a fine thread that he wove into a cocoon which he then entered.

“That’s something I didn’t think I’d be saying when I woke up this morning.”

While McLaren declined to provide specifics, speculation has been rampant about what Jobs is pupating into.

“If this was not already Jobs’ most complete form,” said Infoworld’s Tom Yager “one can only imagine what kind of super-being will emerge when his hibernation is complete.

“A being of pure energy and thought? A twelve-foot tall giant with a pulsating cranium and lidless eyes that are always watching? Or some kind of hideous winged insect that feeds upon the fear of its enemies?

“Oh, man, I’m so hoping it’s the winged insect thing. That would be boss.

Nnnnnneeeeeeee!!! Aaaagh! Aaaagh! Fear me! Fear me! Heh-heh. I think it’d go something like that. So boss.”

Apple indicates that despite Jobs’ pupation, there will be no management changes at the company – Jobs continues to issue muffled orders from inside his cocoon.

50 Responses to “Jobs Begins To Pupate.”

  1. Huh?` says:

    Ok. THAT was funny.

    Moo

    1

  2. John Moltz says:

    Oh, good.

    Because I know you didn’t like yesterdays.

    And I was worried.

    Well… you know… concerned.

  3. OverclockedLemon says:

    I liked yesterday’s better.

    Well, kind of.

    It was pretty good, but today’s is ok.

    Well, it actually kind of sucked, and today’s was pretty amusing.

    Aww…

    Hell, it’s CARS. I love ’em all.

  4. Ace Deuce says:

    Coulda been third, but nooo—Moltz had to jump in.

  5. Aimon says:

    I coulda been fourth but Moltz being all insecure and stuff about his rumors had to jump in.

    We love them all John.

  6. Mighty Mitts says:

    I’m betting on a caterpillar with many small hands wearing white Disney-gloves.

    Each with a thumb and three fingers.

  7. 2000guitars says:

    I think it’s just going to be a big fuzzy moth. If it’s Jobs in there at all…

  8. Streetrabbit says:

    I think this is the final phase in Steve’s transformation into a turtle. For years he’s made do with the roll neck sweater, now he’ll fulfil his dream and become a turtle.

  9. nxxx says:

    No one has claimed first, so first.

    Steve, eight times winner of La Grande Boucle. ti

  10. ficko says:

    You’ve given us a clue John, ‘Black Turtle Neck’. The question, just Ninja, Lesbian, Sexbot or all three?

  11. The Sponge says:

    NO ONE EXPECTS JINJO!

  12. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition.

  13. Streetrabbit says:

    …of course when I say turtle I mean hideously mutated giant turtle creature, amour plated shell, laser cannon eyes all that kind of thing.

  14. ficko says:

    Streetrabbit,

    I assume by your use of the word ‘amour’, that you think it is sexbot phase.

  15. Streetrabbit says:

    If you shake your head vigorously the m kinda looks like rm.

    …just shake your head OK!

  16. Was lol says:

    That article

  17. Beavis says:

    Hehhehheh…you said “pupate.” As in, “poop-ate.” Get its? Hehhehhehheh.

  18. Zeb says:

    Ah c’mon Moltz. With those graphics you did above, you could have taken the next step and fed our imaginations a bit more with a mock up of the winged, mock turtle necked incarnation of Stevo.

    I, having been raised by stern Amish folk, have no imagination so am left empty here…

    Um, does he kinda look like Mothra????? Huh? Does he???

    If he does, will he have those HOT twin asian chics with him??? (http://tinyurl.com/8yv4e ) Ohhh, that’d be soooooo nice, glglglgl…

  19. Crow says:

    Man, that could have been a sweet Photoshop contest.

    He’ll definitely have a proboscis.

    Proboscis…

  20. Ozi says:

    20 is SO the new 11. And yes, “because I said so” is a perfectly valid reason.

    Great post, but yesterdays was better. I just love the image of an xserve on a sys-admins wrist. GOLD!

  21. Silly Balls says:

    Hmm…Is this also about ‘How animal husbandry can work for you’?

  22. Del says:

    Sorry guys but this story is completely unbelievable. Remember that Jobs is Vegan. Silk is an animal by-product and the harvesting of it entails the killing of the silk worms used.

    Now if you meant Silk as in my favorite brand of Soy Milk that would be more believable. It would be more of a milk bath then a cocoon. My local grocery store has been out of Silk for the last week so maybe Job’s drank it all.

    Plus you get more energy the further down the food chain you go. That is why big animals eat things that are low on the food chain like elephants eating plants and the largest whales and sharks eat krill. So if he was going to turn into a being of energy and light or other powerful creature I think he’d eat the food that would provide him with the most energy.

    Oh great… I’m going to get beat for the seriousness of this post. Let me think.. how to get out of this. I got it!

    I also know for a fact that while Jobs was in his silk bath he was washed and scrubbed by 10 lesbian ninja midget sexbots that were covered in canola oil. I’ve heard rumors that the “Next Big Thing” from Apple is actually going to be the release of the video of this and not some crappy phone. The movie is supposed to make full use of the multi-angle feature that is available in DVD’s. There is also supposed to be a short on the DVD called:

    “Lesbian Nuns: Breaking the Habit”. Which I gather is some sort of classic “art” film.

  23. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Sorry. This appears to be a Reality Distortion Field generator malfunction. This has happened before. That whole “Intel” thing.

    Please ignore this and continue as if it didn’t happen.

  24. Mighty Mitts says:

    Those lesbian ninja midget sexbots have very small hands, I’ve noticed. Gives me the creeps.

  25. greenacres says:

    Did anyone notice if there was an ‘Intel Inside’ sticker on the cocoon?

  26. ficko says:

    Streetrabbit,

    Took your advice and shook my head vigourously. Had to get a snowplough in to clear up the dandruff.

  27. Chris says:

    What’s he use for light? A larvae lamp?

  28. Red Lantern, Dead Battery says:

    I expect he just uses keyboard backlighting.

  29. haineux says:

    Haw haw haw. I’ll post a copy in 1 Infinite Loop.

  30. Steve Jobs says:

    I don’t need a light. I’m not afraid of the dark!

    SJ

  31. Chris says:

    I wonder if Bill Gates is out buying a big can of bug spray.

  32. Hell no! I’m about to do my usual… rip off the idea in the name of “innovationalism” and get to market before my nemisis, JOBS!!!1!!!

    BALMER!!!!! GOD DAMMIT, GET IN HERE NOW!!!!!

    Get me 4 dozen fine silk shirts, 12 boxes of Ho-Hos and a Ronco Instant Pupa Kit! STAT, YOU INBRED MONKEY-MAN!!!

    “A larvae lamp” HA! That’s was a good one.

  33. Okay, so much for that stupid idea…

    My laptop kept overheating my cocoon and melting my Ho-Hos and all that silk was messing with the wireless reception, *THEN* I had to take a crap! WTF?!?! So I got out and we punched a hole in the top to let out the hot air and to poke out an antenna, but then the cocoon started to unravel. Shit! How does Jobs do it?!?!?! This sucks! Now I smell like 40 damp silk shirts, my laptop is covered in it and my office carpet needs replacing… and that FREAK MONKEY is just laughing at me in the hall with his stupid interns!!!!

  34. Mighty Mitts says:

    Tiny fists are a manifestation of small hands. Evil comes in small packages. If it feels like you’re shaking hands with a doll, don’t sign the contract.

  35. Ace Deuce says:

    “continues to issue muffled orders”

    Heretofore his orders had been reported as crystal-clear, so this sounds like revisionism.

  36. Streetrabbit says:

    No animal husbandry today. What I’m seeing is Man’s refusal to accept his inevitable decline and a nihilistic repugnance of dandies (the eating of the silk shirts).

  37. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Apple-oriented folks: we gotta turn this stuff into a book! I just shot Glacéau Smartwater out of my nose reading this. I mean if aquatic nasal evacuation isn’t a clear sign of a best seller, what the hell is??

    Moltz winds us up and the comments flow like…like…well, like water out of my nose. Darn glad I wasn’t drinking Coke or balsamic vinegar or gasoline or or nail polish remover or something caustic like that.

  38. The Force of Time And Twinkies etc, says:

    I know what I’m getting him for Pupa-Hatching Day (Birthday 1.5 as they call it):

    http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/044843802X/102-9765464-6653758?v=glance

  39. The Other Force of Time And Twinkies, etc. says:

    Squirt and Shimmer are so excited—they found a cute little caterpillar to take care of! After much pleading, Miss Spider and Holley allow them to keep her. But when Cookie the Caterpillar starts munching her way through Sunny Patch, Squirt and Shimmer wonder if this little caterpillar is too much to handle!

  40. Whoring Dervish says:

    It’s no larvae lamp, but apparently Job’s orders have gone from crystal clear to chrysalis clear.

  41. iBode says:

    Obviously, Jobs will not do the expected. It would make perfect sense for him to turn into something insect-like. So he won’t be that. It would make sense for some turtle like thing, so he won’t do that. It will be like the Apple products, stylish and functional.

    He will obviously be extremely fashion savvy, making him the coolest man on earth, and will have a brilliant and lightning fast mind. He’ll also last forever, securing Apple’s future.

    Or maybe it’s where he goes to think and breathe easier.

    Like Darth Vader’s chamber.

  42. scottyb says:

    Hmmm, if this is like a Babylon 5 chrysalis, then he may emerge as half-man, half-iPod……

  43. 2 embarrassed says:

    Yeh, scottyb, but when did she have the sex change op?

  44. Jack Ass says:

    This site is studip!

  45. Jack Ass says:

    STUPID!

  46. Stud-IP… too late!! I just coined and trademarked it… you’ll be hearing from my lawyers in just a few minutes. Oh, you’ll have a choice of locations to serve out your sentence, either as one of my personal gardners, or a life of slavery in the secret spice mines deep below the city of Redmond. You’d think the gardner job is the one to pick, but you’ll be dealing with my wife. 😉 (hint, pick the mines. the work is harder, and there’s not much oxygen down there but you get free digital cable TV (MS set top boxes, of course) and all you can eat pudding, sorry just butterscotch, but we will be introducing Fudge Chocolate in the fall)

  47. NawdaKh says:

    What a waste of time. That was retarded.

  48. Supper-man says:

    Now THAT was a stupid story. What´s next?

  49. iBode says:

    Posting on every article in still listed in my Safari RSS feed.

  50. Dru says:

    Haha, muffled orders. Good one.