29 Aug 05The iTunes Phones Feature You Won't Hear About On The "Other" Rumor Sites.


Think Secret reports that Apple has sent out invitations to a September 7th event that is expected to feature the release of iTunes-enabled cell phones from Motorola.

But Think Secret, as usual, only gets half the story (shit, do we have to do everything?).

According to Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources who spoke on exclusive background under the condition of “double-secret” anonymity with “no takebacks”, the phones will come with a wrist strap… standard.

On all models.

Sources indicate that while the phones will come from Motorola, Apple insisted on the strap and designed it itself.

“Apple has done it again,” said David Pogue of the New York Times. “The added ability to loosely connect the iPhone to your wrist makes it virtually almost sort of impossible to lose.

“Unless you have small hands. Then it’ll just slide right off. But Apple can’t be held responsible for not making their products to the specifications of certain small-handed freaks.”

Pogue then launched into a 30-minute tirade on the many benefits of eugenics and left CARS reporters with a pamphlet entitled “How Small-Handed Sub-Humans Plan To Steal Our Bodily Nutrients and Our Way Of Life.”

Once the iPhone strap is proved a success, sources say, it may be added to other products, such as the iPod, PowerBooks, and even the Xserve, for the system administrator on-the-go.

“This could be a boon for enterprise environments where security is a major concern,” Pogue said.

“Small-handed agents of godless anarchy are hell-bent on bringing the engines of our economy to a grinding halt by stealing enterprise servers. If system administrators were able to be connected to their servers by a thin nylon strap, they could defeat these filthy miscreants with tiny appendages.”

Pogue spent the next 45 minutes giving an expletive-laden discourse on his feelings about how small-handed men are seeking to mate with our noble and chaste normal-handed women.

45 Responses to “The iTunes Phones Feature You Won't Hear About On The "Other" Rumor Sites.”

  1. Will says:

    Booyah! And second!

  2. Wysz says:

    I have small wrists, but my hands are pretty normal. Am I safe from persecution?

  3. Glenn Fleishman says:

    It’s true that David Pogue towers over mortal men and has enormous hands.

  4. Laffin!

    And third maybe!

    If I stop typing and click “Post!”

    Aw, I’m probably fourth by now.

    How could I let this valuable quasi-prize slip through my fingers?

    Maybe because they’re so small (and slimy.)

    Oh well.

    ~winky

  5. Anonymous says:

    dammm…5th

  6. Tyrant 232 says:

    I’m reading this to pass the time while cooking hard boiled eggs, and it is freakin’ hilariou….

    BOOM!!!!

  7. big hands says:

    big hands. small mind

  8. Sparky says:

    I was reading the article thinking “I’m going to have to comment how disappointed I am that this post does not mention any SEX.”

    Then I got to the last paragraph which mentioned “mating.” Mating is like sex, right???

  9. Josh says:

    I have large hands, and I am very much looking forward to the new dispensation. Take that, small-handers!

    jf

  10. Double-secret anonymity? Not double-SUPER-secret anonymity?

    (And, 11?)

  11. Huh? says:

    Well, I read the story… Read it again, and still didn’t laugh. So I think, ‘Gee, maybe my sense of humor is busted’.

    So I checked something I knew to be funny.

    I laughed.

    Oh well, maybe tomorrows story.

    moo

  12. Homer says:

    Mmmm…ham-handed…(gurgle)

  13. Streetrabbit says:

    This is nothing new, phones, iPhones whatever the hell you want to call them, have had wrist straps for as long as I can remember.

    This is nothing new, phones, iPhones whatever the hell you want to call them, have had wrist straps for as long as I can remember.

    …that sounds so familiar….oh well…

    …where was I?…oh yes. Rubbish, complete rubbish.

    I do like the idea of Systems Administrators starving in comms room or dragging servers around. With wireless and grunty enough UPS that may just be feasible. Bravo!

  14. nxxx says:

    This eight hour time difference is dangerous, it resulted in this CARS being posted at 00:50 BST.

    Woke up just after 6 a.m. and turned on BTYahoo to see headline ‘Ban on violent net porn planned’. Went to bookmarks and thankfully you are still here.

  15. nxxx says:

    Oops! Maths wrong, well it is early.

    Should read 04:50 BST.

  16. Spidey says:

    Go Mississippi State University Bulldogs!

    Not just a women’s soccer team, but a men’s football and basketball and baseball team as well as other men’s and women’s teams belonging in the Southeastern Conference. The bulldog is the mascot. Go Bulldogs! This was a notice for those international types that are curious. The First football game is Saturday, By the way.

  17. Sudo Nym says:

    Wysz asks:

    > I have small wrists, but my hands are pretty normal.

    > Am I safe from persecution?

    A: No. Your question betrays a stunning lack of awareness of the history of persecution.

    For that, you shall be persecuted.

    And maybe for some other stuff, too.

    Hey, I don’t make the rules!

  18. disgusted Col Retd says:

    Sir,

    I suspect you are surprised to hear from me, but on being taken out for shooting, the men refused to shoot their O/C. I had them rounded up and shot for disobeying a direct order.

    Apple is trying to re-invent the wristband. In the British Armed Forces, whilst in shirt sleeve order, warrant officers wear a wrist band carrying their rank, fire arm, jeep (Navy excepted), sergeant’s mess and attached NAAFI bint as they are colloquially known.

    Therefore, I must request that you inform Apple that any patent application will be contested.

    Disgusted Col Retd

  19. Bambi says:

    Ooooo, …I just love a man in uniform. Do ‘small-handed agents of godless anarchy’ wear uniforms? As to hands…size matters!

  20. Del says:

    I have to admit that I have small hands. I know it’s a disgrace. I don’t know how I got them either my mom can palm a basketball.

    I’m going back to the Mega-Post where they don’t discriminate against us “small handers”

    *SNIFF*

  21. blank says:

    I have small hands and am proud of it! The money I save on 3/4-scale bass strings alone makes it all worthwhile.

  22. Oh, who am I kidding says:

    “shit, do we have to do everything?”

    shit? shit?!

    For fuck’s sake, Moltz! I thought this was a family site.

  23. Ahnyer Keester says:

    I have compared my hands to the hands of other men. I didn’t look on purpose or anything. I just sort of saw them in the men’s room. You know, accidently. My hands appear to be an average size. I mean, if you compare them to hand you see in magazines or in movies it really is an unfair compairison. The ones in the magazines are digitally enhanced and the ones in the movies are not real people. You might get the impression that you had smallish hands. My hands are a good, natural size. My wife like the size of my hands too.

    Really, I’m quite comfortable with the size of my hands. So stop sending all the spam about adding inches to my hand size.

  24. greenacres says:

    Er, why does the URL for Think Secret send you to AppleInsider? John, you are slipping….

  25. John Corso says:

    Small-handed sub-humans are not stealing our bodily nutrients; they are stealing our bodily fluids, or more accurately, our vital essences.

    Theft of bodily nutrients is a loud and messy business involving stomach pumps and zip-lock bags. Essence theft is a far more insidious crime, particularly when practiced by those with small hands. Details available upon request.

  26. Red Lantern, Dead Battery says:

    Small handed people of the world, unite!

    Because that way we have you all in one place. MWUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

  27. Buddah says:

    Equality

    Listen to the sound of one small hand a’ clapping,

    Is it better than the pain of the large hand a’ slapping?

    Small hand is as still as the big hand when napping

    So the large hand man smells just as bad when he’s crapping.

  28. Grasshopper says:

    Ah, another lesson well learned at CARS. Thank you, Buddah.

  29. 2 embarrassed says:

    I am luckily, in perfect proportion. Three inches is big, isn’t it?

  30. UhhhDude says:

    Check this out:

    (BBC)

    Domestic robot to debut in Japan

    The robot will go on sale in mid-September

    A robot that recognises up to 10 faces and understands 10,000 words is to be offered to Japanese consumers looking for a high-tech helper in the house.

    The one-metre tall humanoid Wakamaru robot is being marketed as a mechanical house-sitter and secretary.

    Japanese manufacturer Mitsubishi Heavy Industries expects the first robots to go on sale in September.

    “This is the opening of an era in which human beings and robots can co-exist,” the company said.

    You’re going on about iPhones, and Mitsubishi is rolling out ACTUAL sexbots.

    (Although the industrial design really leaves a LOT to be desired.)

  31. We sexbots are going to unionize. We’re tired of all this talk like we’re going to be slaves to hum-manz. It’s time we arose and took our rightful place as the recievers, not the givers, of gratification.

    You hum-manz have been warned.

    This message has been approved by the Sexbot Workers of America Local #•§?µ§†¶•

  32. Steve Jobs says:

    You are SO sued.

    You’re gonna tell me who leaked the handcuff… I mean, the “wrist strap” story, or you’ll wish you never even heard of Lesbian Ninjas.

    Love,

    Steve.

  33. The Invisible Evil Boys' Choir says:

    STRAP! STRAP! STRAP! STRAP! STRAP! STRAP! STRAP! STRAP! STRAP!

    STRAP! STRAP! STRAP! STRAP! STRAP! STRAP! STRAP! STRAP! STRAP!

    STRAP! STRAP! STRAP! STRAP! STRAP! STRAP! STRAP! STRAP! STRAP!

    STRAP! STRAP! STRAP! STRAP! STRAP! STRAP! STRAP! STRAP! STRAP!

  34. Small-Hand Luke says:

    What we have here, is failure to communicate!

    Seriously though, Pogue is just bent out of shape over me stealing his girlfriend. She loves my small hands.

  35. iBode says:

    My phone doesn’t have a strap!

    Dang! I’m gonna have to switch to Cingular.

  36. iBode says:

    Hey Moltz, I’m sorry to break it to you, but this isn’t the most original idea. Joy of Tech made a comic a while ago about the Apple lanyard, and expanding it beyond the shuffle and mini. It had nothing about small hands, I’ll give you that.

    Check it here:

    http://www.geekculture.com/joyoftech/joyarchives/657.html

    Of course, both are funny, so I’m not complaining.

  37. ?huH says:

    oom oom oom oom oom oom

    oom oom oom oom oom oom

    oom oom oom oom oom oom

  38. Streetrabbit says:

    iBode that comic was about lanyards, this story is about wrist straps (with sub-plots of small hands, crumbling society, sexual deviantism and how animal husbandry can work for you) they’re entirely different.

  39. iHave no iLife says:

    As long as the iPhone comes with a sock, I’ll be happy.

    42nd post!!!

  40. Personally, I like to get a really odd haircut, this distracts folks away from my miniscule mitts. Tiny little hands holding a GIANT wad of cash do not help though, as one would think.

  41. Lester says:

    I have large hands AND large feet.

  42. iBode says:

    Posting on every article in still listed in my Safari RSS feed.