Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: I’ve owned a number of Macs over the years – an Classic, a Quadra and now a G5 iMac – and one thing has always troubled me. If the Apple executives were all characters from “Happy Days”, who would Phil Schiller be?
A: Uh… characters from “Happy Days”?
Q: Yeah. I mean, most of them are obvious. Steve Jobs would be the Fonz, Avie Tevanian would be Potsie, Peter Oppenheimer would be Howard Cunningham, Ron Johnson would be Ralph Malph…
A: Rubinstein would be Chuck, the brother that they disappeared.
Q: Right. But who would Schiller be?
A: Oh! Carmine Ragusa.
Q: What? No, no, no. He was from “Laverne and Shirley”.
A: Well, yes, but he did appear on “Happy Days” in one or two episodes.
Q: Hmm. That’s a little thin.
A: It’s a good fit, though.
Q: Hmm. OK. Well, what about “Lost in Space”?
A: Major Don West.
Q: I concur.
Q: I’ve been having problems with my Power Mac G5. First I was having trouble getting it to recognize my older scanner that I had connected by a SCSI card I installed. I managed to fix that by banging the SCSI connector further into the port with a hammer.
A: Well, that’s good because that’s what I would have suggested.
Q: OK. So then I was trying to copy my music library from the G5 to my iBook and I tried to get it into target disk mode but instead of getting that radiation symbol I got an upside down pentagram.
A: No you didn’t.
Q: Well… no. But it didn’t work. But my real problems are all with software. I haven’t done a clean install since I installed OS X 10.0 and my Library is, like, 145 GB.
A: No it isn’t.
Q: Actually, yes, it is.
Q: So… I’ve got a lot of problems here. What should I do?
A: Phew. You’re kind of all over the place, dude.
Q: I know. I know.
A: Hmm. Well, I think we have to go with something radical here.
Q: OK. I’m ready for radical. I can’t live like this anymore!
A: OK. Here we go… Throw your Macs out the window!
Q: Wh-what? I’m on the ninth floor!
A: Throw them out the window! Open the window and throw them out! It’s the only way to solve all of your problems!
Q: Uh… OK! OK! I’ll go do it now!
A: … Oh, my god, he’s going to do it. I can’t believe it.
YAMAMOTO: I told you. Pay up. Five bucks.
A: Can I write you a check?
Q: What a minute! You’re… you’re just toying with us!
A: What? No. Nooo! We take our obligation as… um… as… uh… er…
A: Wait. Wait. Don’t help me. It’ll come to me.
Q: You don’t even know what you’re supposed to be doing.
A: Yes I do! It has something to do with… um…
A: Don’t push me! It’s all about… uh…
A: Uh… well… Does it have anything to do with pie?
Q: Mmm… no.
A: Oh. Maybe I’m just hungry.