Apple Converting One Infinite Loop.


After yesterday’s story which mentioned a Mac OS Rumors report that Apple would be converting One Infinite Loop into a water flume ride, Crazy Apple Rumors Site was inundated with emails from Apple employees detailing the company’s true plans for the legendary drive.

According to sources, the circle around the main part of Apple’s campus will not be turned in to a water flume as MOSR reported, but instead will be used as a go-kart track.

Analysts are concerned, however, that the net effect may be the same.

“While we understand the company wants to create a pleasant work environment for its employees,” Lehman Brothers’ Daniel Niles said, “We believe the lure of go-karts will prove tragically compelling, thereby sapping the company of productivity.

“The roar of the engine… the smell of gasoline… the thrill of travelling at speed up to 15 miles an hour… these shall be as the sirens’ call to Apple employees.”

There is also a lesser concern about how people will actually be able to drive up to Apple if its main thoroughfare is dedicated to small-engine amusement vehicles.

The company is standing by its decision, however, and is expected to launch its fleet of go-karts at a media event on the campus on October 12th. The event is designed to be a showcase of how great it is to work at Apple, kicking off a hiring binge by the company to help stoke the mighty furnace that drives the iPod division’s sales.

Sadly, that’s not a metaphor. Those who follow the company have long wondered how it went from underdog computer maker to consumer electronics monopoly. That can now be answered with two words: human sacrifice. The company routinely places live employees into a giant furnace dedicated to the dark forces of the underworld. Not surprisingly, iPod sales were up 279% from 2003 to 2004.

Also not surprisingly, the company declined to comment for this story.

48 thoughts on “Apple Converting One Infinite Loop.”

  8. Gah. Good thing Spell Czech isn’t here yet. Think I got them all now, though.

    Interesting factoid about this story – I wrote the whole thing while sitting on my iPod shuffle which I had forgotten was in my back pocket.

  9. Sure. Sure you “forgot” that you were sitting on a shuffle.

    Dirty man. Oh, and we’re discussing the story awfully early here. Where is everyone?

    9.

  14. Multiple postings to get eleven is clearly in violation of the rules of gentlemanly conduct, particularly when I’m trying to quote from 70s Sesame Street.

  15. (still wiping tears of joy, at finally, finally, getting a winning post on CARS!)…hey, this would be more fun if someone would complain about how I cheated or something….

    anything…

    it’s so lonely in here….

    Hello? [listens for echo]

  18. Haha – he said violations.

    Hey, buddy, I think singing Sesame Street songs is clearly in violation .. of …. some rules … of ….gentlemanly (snicker) conduct.

  20. nteresting factoid about this story – I wrote the whole thing while sitting on my iPod shuffle which I had forgotten was in my back pocket…

    Interestingly enough, the song that was playing was “sittin on the dock of the bay…”

  24. As an old age pensioner, may I apply to be put in the Apple furnace or used as a practice target for the iFlame, as they are the only ways that I can stay warm during the oncoming winter.

    Thank you for your kind.forebodence

  25. Go karts and human sacrifice all in one story.

    Maybe only new “virgin” employees get to drive the go karts. After about 6 laps of fun, Schiller flags them off the main track into a side track that leads into a dark tunnel. A locking clamp attaches to the undercarriage of the kart, the restraints retract, and then the kart continues down a roller-coaster type track. At the end of the line, the kart inverts, droppping the new employee into the human sacrifice furnace. The kart is hosed out (just in case the poor employee figured out where he was headed and, uh, lost control of his bodily functions) and sent back into play.

  26. To quote the Muppet Show:

    “What was the last time you went to good, old-fashioned, human sacrifice?”

    and Gordon: The pirates would be the first to oppose the heresy of the flying spaghetti monster.

    The Triumphant Tortellini Triumvirate will eventually Triumph! (’cause that’s what they do)

  27. Booorinnnnngg! You guys are all so boring. What happened to the good old days of Streetrabbit, Del, Bellidancer, Huck, MacStansbury, and all those other poor fools I can’t remember the names of.

    *sniff*

    I’m so worthless, sorry people I didn’t mention that should have been mentioned.

    MARK

  29. But if they killed all they’re new employees, how could the company grow?

    And then what would all that new office space be for?

  30. Yeah, Del’s been here the whole time. No telling where MacStansbury is at, probably check his website or something. And Streetrabbit and Bellidancer have been about, but have not seen Huck. Unless he’s changed his commentname.

    In regards to the comment by Crow; that’s not far from totally realistic and doable. You see, they could divert the go-kart traffic down through the southwest underground parking garage at One Infinite Loop or build a mini-overpass. Or would that be Overpass mini?

  36. Masako is Japanese not Greek so she can’t be a Lesbian. I mean she’s from an island but it isn’t Lesbos. I would imagine that Masako is from Kyushu.

  37. Ha!

    I’ve been inspired by this go-kart competitive atmosphere Apple brings to the Bay Area. I’m going to sell my America’s Cup boat and buy the fastestest go-kart money can buy! I know Bill Gates is richer than me, but he’s into driving bulldozers. Not go-karts. And John Carmack is just a game geek. So I’ll be the winner of the first Annual One Ininite Loop mini-grand prix pod race! No Sebulba to threaten me here! (How do you pronounce that? Pricks?)

    Ah wll, my buddy Steve has promised I can compete if I stop trying to sell him network computers. It’s worth it. I’ve got plenty of others I can sell those dang boxes to.

    Ah hahahahaha!

    wheeze

    Ah hahahahaha!

    Lar

  38. I too, am not Masako. My lesbian-ness has yet to be determined.

    And, um… My pants would like to know-

    What’s a Nubian?

    moo

  39. Why can’t they just put it on the letterbox like everyone else? Flash bastards. Will there be a movie about the “Big Green One”? No didn’t think so!

    I’m definitely lesbian.

  40. Let’s see, Nubian.

    Double-click to select, RIght-click, Look Up in Dictionary:

    Nubian |?n(y)o?b??n|

    adjective

    of or relating to Nubia, its people, or their language.

    noun

    1 a native or inhabitant of Nubia.

    2 the Nilo-Saharan language of the Nubians.

    3 a goat of a short-haired breed with long pendant ears and long legs, originally from Africa.

    ORIGIN from medieval Latin Nubianus, from Nubia ‘Nubia,’ from Latin Nubae ‘Nubians.’

  42. iBode-

    Thanks. I was too bust chasing amy to get a chance to look it up.

    My pants thank you.

    moo

  45. I saw Masako kissing on some guy in a hoody at the Paramount Theatre. It could have been the Entity, but I think it was Chet with a flashlight.

    Anyway, the point is, I think the whole Lesbos Lesbian thing is a cover for Masako in order to ignore all the lame commenter come ons.

    If it was the Entity what does that make her? I mean that does not exactly make her hetero.

    (If is was Chet, she must be in a very bad place right now — at the same time it means that I have a shot, doesn’t it?)

  47. I was just about to buy a few CARS t-shirts, but then I saw the go kart ads and decided to buy 2 of those instead. What is your cut for go-kart sales? (you must me raking it in with this site.)

    lounge

  48. I was making out with masako. I am also a lesbian, as i am a female blob of energy white goo.

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