Archive for the 'Miscellaneous' Category

07 OctThe Stan Sigman Experience

The world of mobile telecommunications was shocked this morning to discover that former AT&T Mobility CEO Stan Sigman is not the man people thought he was.

Just 12 hours after the event honoring his induction into the Wireless Hall of Fame and his rambling 5-hour acceptance speech, Stan Sigman was revealed to be not a man at all but a piece of performance art.

Speaking to gathered media, San Francisco performance artist Julian Leflaunt said that for the past 40 years, he has been playing the part of “Stan Sigman” as part of a piece entitled “Corporate ‘Leadership’ and The Folly of the American Enterprise”.

“I created everything about Stan,” said Leflaunt. “From his horrible public speaking ability to his post-retirement goatee.”

Working as a Bell stockman the 1960s, Leflaunt says, he became aware of the vapid nature of our vaunted executive class.

“I was determined to show the CEO for what he was: a long-winded oaf concerned with nothing more than achieving personal glory off the back of the worker. These emperors of our economy have no clothes, I thought, and I set out to devote my life to showing them to the rest of the world as I saw them.”

Cleverly manipulating the bureaucracy at Bell, Leflaunt recast himself as “Stan Sigman”, the name being a play on “standard signal man”, which the artist says represented the conformity enforced by corporate America on the proletariat.

So his life’s work began. But then, Leflaunt said, something strange happened.

“As much as I wanted to hate him, I grew to love Stan,” he said. “My feelings for him as a rising CEO did not change — I still believed him to be the most useless of cogs in the capitalist machine — but as a person I found him to be sympathetic and even tragic. His love of golf for its moments of platonic camaraderie and closeness with other men, a closeness he always craved from his father but never got. His passion for quarter horses, driven by his recurring childish fantasies of being a cowboy on the frontier of the late 1800s. The more I rounded out his character, the sadder he became to me.”

Leflaunt admits that the piece got out of hand.

“I really had no intentions of carrying it on for more than 40 years,” Leflaunt said. “But I couldn’t stop. I needed to see how it ended! And then the iPhone deal just fell into my lap.”

Leflaunt was concerned the deal was almost his undoing.

“I was frightened that I had overplayed my hand at Macworld Expo in 2007,” Leflaunt said. “I wanted to deliver a truly dreadful speech, I felt that was important to the piece, but when I shook Steve Jobs’ hand after I was done, I thought I saw him give me a look. I flew home in a cold sweat.”

For his part, Jobs says he was completely unaware that the man he had worked with on the most significant product release of the decade was an utter fabrication.

“I had no idea,” said a disbelieving Steve Jobs. “I mean, one time he was chuckling in the middle of a meeting for no discernible reason, but… wow. Incredible. My hat’s off to him.

“Anyway, this totally voids our exclusivity deal with AT&T so… Verizon iPhone in January.”

Asked what he will work on next, Leflaunt says he plans on taking his first vacation in 40 years, claiming the others were in character so they don’t count. Then he plans to devote time to cat memes on the Internet.

“That’s where all the cutting-edge work is being done nowadays,” he said.

11 JunDesperately Seeking Sexbots

I don’t know who the guy in the video below is but, if I did, I could tell him that waiting for Apple to deliver sexbots is a waste of time. With them it’s all “Ooh, iPhone this” and “Ooh, iPad that” and “Ooh, look at me in this leather teddy, does this make you hot? Ooh, you want me to announce some products? Hmm? Do you want me to do it all dirty?

What?

Anyway, while you’re idly thumbing through the Sears lingerie catalog waiting for Apple to realize where the real money is, you might take a gander at this video thing my good friend Geoff Barnes is doing.

Who knows? You might even learn something.

Probably not, but if you’re a shut-in or something it’s possible.

14 JanHigh Above Seattle, Bezos Plots a Product Launch

[Crazy Apple Rumors Site is proud to introduce its new contributing reporter, Stock Photo Guy! Please see the staff page for more information!]

Amazon.com founder Jeff Bezos announced a new version of the Kindle designed to compete with an array of tablet computers being released at an announcement held at the company’s Seattle headquarters, high above the city. Dubbed the Krampus, the device will feature 16 GB of built-in memory, a high-resolution LCD screen, and random painful electric shocks.

Jeff Bezos, founder of Amazon.com and the world’s only known giraffe billionaire, runs the company from what’s known locally as “Lex Luthor’s Secret Lair on the Hill.” “Technically, I bought it from The Legion of Cobras, not Lex Luthor, but it was his first,” Bezos told assembled reporters. “And it’s hardly secret! Brrraaaaaahhaaa haaaaaa!”

Reporters were invited into a large auditorium in a previously undisclosed cavern 20 stories below the parking garage. After signing an NDA, journalists were shackled and chained.

Bezos was visibly excited about the new offering. “Behold! My iSlate killer!” he said, whipping a cloth from a small computing device. When an AP reporter told Bezos that the iSlate was just part of a domain name that Apple had likely registered in anticipation of possible names, and that Apple never names things as awkwardly as the iSlate or the Kindle, Bezos grew enraged, and shot rays of pure energy from his fingers. The AP reporter and several others in his vicinity were broken down into a pile of aromatic hydrocarbons.

“You fool! Don’t you think I know that!” Bezos screamed and cackled. Sort of a braying screaming cackle. It’s hard to describe, and reporters found that what with the shackles preventing notes and restricting circulation, that it became increasingly difficult to write dispassionately and descriptively.

“My spies — AppleInsider, MacNN, Gizmodo, Engadget, and John C. Welch — have revealed all the details of the new tablet that that nincompoop Steve Jobs will announce in two weeks. But I have the upper hand! Haw haw haaaaaa haw haw!”

Bezos demonstrated the featureset of the Krampus on unwilling press and analysts. “The high-contrast screen allows you to view horrific videos even when placed inches from your eyelids, forced open by clamps,” Bezos explained.

The potential market interest in screen-only devices that could be ebook readers as well as general-purpose computers has recently dimmed sales potential of the Kindle, leading to subterranean development efforts.

“My spies have been unable to penetrate 1 Infinite Loop, which is surrounded by an ionized causal nexus,” Bezos explained, while casually snapping the neck of a Gizmodo blogger. “However, I possess the Eye of Ayn Rand — really, it’s literally her eye — which revealed to me the dimensions, features, and cost of goods.”

Bezos shot 20 feet in the air on rocket-powered boots, and fired flechettes that struck and killed analysts from Gartner, IDG, and the Enderle Group. “This will destroy Apple’s iSlate,” said Rob Enderle, before expiring noisily.

While the market potential for tablet computers remains to be exploited, under any name, Amazon’s entry into the market, coupled with 100,000 soldier marketers training in distribution centers around the country may overwhelm Apple’s hundreds of stores.

Bezos displayed a map of the United States on which Apple Stores were located on the Krampus, and then use multi-finger gestures to trigger missiles and other explosives to destroy the stores and all matter in a half-mile radius around each shop.

The Krampus will have a 10.5-inch diameter LCD, a touch screen, 16 GB of storage, and both Wi-Fi and a cellular connection, and ship with a library of tens of millions of books forcibly scanned from libraries and publishers around the world. Pricing is yet to be determined, but it will be somewhere between 50% of your annual earnings and your immortal soul.

As the press conference concluded, Bezos engaged his shielding and deadly neutrino energy flooded the cavern. Shielded behind Enderle — a Microsoft Research cyborg made mostly of lead and beryllium — I alone survived to tell the tale.

28 DecApple Tablet To Redefine Another Industry

According to published reports, the Apple tablet will be wildly successful and a miserable failure. By the laws of logic governing this universe, both cannot be true, so what we are left to conclude, is that one of these two assumptions is wrong.

Or are we?

Highly placed Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources now indicate this may not be the case. According to one source, in the same way the Mac redefined the computer industry, the iPod redefined the music industry and the iPhone redefined the cellular phone industry, the Apple tablet will redefine the quantum mechanics industry.

“The Apple tablet creates a quantum singularity that acts as a focal point for multiple universes,” said the source, who declined to come out from the box he was hiding in. “This is how you can have rumors of it being 7 inches and 10 inches, $400 and $800, a hit and a flop. It is all of these things and many more.”

Upon first interacting with the device, whether at a physical Apple Store, through the online puchasing process or even through a reseller, the customer will experience a quantum shift that will cause them to experience the tablet in all universes at once.

“This is very exciting,” said technology analyst Michael Gartenberg. “The quantum mechanics industry is an immature and stagnant market, ripe for shaking up.”

Gartenberg admitted he himself was baffled at the myriad of points of view on a device that, as far as anyone really knows, doesn’t even exist and was relieved to be able to finally put some logic to it.

“Apple may be having power management issues on the device,” Gartenberg suggested “Since its quantum mechanical effects are already influencing people who haven’t even purchased or seen one.

“Either that or it’s just that none of these morons writing about the tablet has any idea what they’re talking about,” he said.

“But I’m so tired of that being the case that I’m really hoping it’s the quantum singularity thingy.”

11 JunMAC TABLET REVEALED!

TOP SECRET VIDEO! MUST CREDIT CRAZY APPLE RUMORS SITE!

Crazy Apple Rumors Site sleeper cells (who, frankly, I had totally forgotten to deactivate when the site went on hiatus) have forwarded the following video of Apple’s upcoming tablet device running Delicious Library. Clearly, the interface represents another trend-setting design move on Apple’s part and one can expect this to be the Aqua of the next decade.

[Related: nice work Jessie and Maja.]