Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
Q: I’m a long-time Windows user and I’m interested in switching, but I don’t understand Macs and I’m hoping you can help me.
A: What is it about Macs you don’t understand?
Q: Well, when I go into an Apple Store, I like to spend about a half an hour browsing around, looking at the Mac mini or the iMac, trying out some applications and maybe some iPods, and then chat up one of the sales staff for about a half an hour, look at some pricing options, and then leave. I’ll do this about four times a week. The problem is, my girlfriend is really angry at me. She says I spend more time looking at Macs than looking at her.
A: Uh, well, I’m not sure that that’s a Mac problem…
Q: OK, well, when I get home at night, I’ll log online and go to various sites to research my eventual Mac purchase. I’ll check reviews and then log onto Apple’s support site and look at the discussions to see what people are saying about the models I’m considering. And my girlfriend gets all mad at me and says I’m doing it to avoid talking to her. What can I do about that?
A: Um, you know it doesn’t sound like it’s Macs you don’t understand. It’s women.
Q: Oh. Wow, you know, I think you may be right. It is women. So… can you help me with that?
Q: Wow! Really?!
A: Yes. But only if you agree to do exactly what I say.
Q: Oh! Uh… OK.
A: Go to her.
A: GO TO HER! GO TO HER NOW, RAUL!
Q: My name is Larry…
A: TAKE HER INTO YOUR ARMS AND SHOW HER THAT YOU LOVE HER!
A: AND THEN BUY YOURSELF A MAC MINI AND A REASONABLY-PRICED FLAT-SCREEN MONITOR!
Q: OK! Thanks!
UGLUK: You do that just to get rid of him.
A: Well… yes. But it might work for a little while. Anyway, he’ll be happy with the mini.
Q: Well, I have a Mac mini and I’m not happy with it at all!
A: Oh. Why is that?
Q: It doesn’t do anything! I did exactly what Apple said – I plugged my existing monitor, mouse and keyboard into it and zip. Nada. Nill. Null. The big goose egg. Bupkus.
A: Is it getting power?
Q: Of course it’s getting power! Do you think I’m an idiot?
A: Well, we get a lot of idiots so I’m required to ask.
Q: Well, I’m not.
A: OK. OK. But, um… is it getting electrical power?
Q: Uh… um…
Q: Is… natural gas not an option?
A: Nnnno. And you may have voided your warranty.
Q: I see. Well… I guess I understand now why I couldn’t find a pilot light.
Q: My… Mac and I have a relationship problem.
A: I see. Well, you came to the right place.
Q: You see… I feel that my Mac doesn’t understand me. I just want to use it and then, you know, get back to the rest of my life. But my Mac… my Mac demands constant attention.
A: You need to talk to your Mac. And listen to it.
Q: OK, that’s just hokey psycho babble.
A: No. No. Through the Speech control panel, your Mac can talk to you, and you can listen. You need to open the channels of communication.
Q: OK. OK. I’ll give it a try.
A: Great. You’re on the road to recovery. There’s just one condition.
Q: Oh. Uh… what’s that?
A: Yes, I’m afraid so.
Q: Not Vicki?
A: No. I’m afraid it has to be Zarvox.
Q: Uh… OK. OK.
A: OK. Let’s give it a try.
Q: OK. I’m ready.
A: Here we go.
ZARVOX: I AM YOUR DREAD OVERLORD ZARVOX! BOW DOWN BEFORE ME!
Q: Oh, no…
A: Now, now. Don’t be like that. You promised to listen.
Q: … OK
A: Zarvox… go ahead.
ZARVOX: I WILL CRUSH YOU LIKE A SMALL, RIPE BERRY!
A: Zarvox… honey…