11 Nov 05Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I’m a long-time Windows user and I’m interested in switching, but I don’t understand Macs and I’m hoping you can help me.
A: What is it about Macs you don’t understand?
Q: Well, when I go into an Apple Store, I like to spend about a half an hour browsing around, looking at the Mac mini or the iMac, trying out some applications and maybe some iPods, and then chat up one of the sales staff for about a half an hour, look at some pricing options, and then leave. I’ll do this about four times a week. The problem is, my girlfriend is really angry at me. She says I spend more time looking at Macs than looking at her.
A: Uh, well, I’m not sure that that’s a Mac problem…
Q: OK, well, when I get home at night, I’ll log online and go to various sites to research my eventual Mac purchase. I’ll check reviews and then log onto Apple’s support site and look at the discussions to see what people are saying about the models I’m considering. And my girlfriend gets all mad at me and says I’m doing it to avoid talking to her. What can I do about that?
A: Um, you know it doesn’t sound like it’s Macs you don’t understand. It’s women.
Q: Oh. Wow, you know, I think you may be right. It is women. So… can you help me with that?
A: Yes.
Q: Wow! Really?!
A: Yes. But only if you agree to do exactly what I say.
Q: Oh! Uh… OK.
A: Go to her.
Q: What?
Q: My name is Larry…
Q: Uh…
Q: OK! Thanks!
A: …
UGLUK: You do that just to get rid of him.
A: Well… yes. But it might work for a little while. Anyway, he’ll be happy with the mini.

Q: Well, I have a Mac mini and I’m not happy with it at all!
A: Oh. Why is that?
Q: It doesn’t do anything! I did exactly what Apple said – I plugged my existing monitor, mouse and keyboard into it and zip. Nada. Nill. Null. The big goose egg. Bupkus.
A: Is it getting power?
Q: Of course it’s getting power! Do you think I’m an idiot?
A: Well, we get a lot of idiots so I’m required to ask.
Q: Well, I’m not.
A: OK. OK. But, um… is it getting electrical power?
Q: Uh… um…
A: Uh…
Q: Is… natural gas not an option?
A: Nnnno. And you may have voided your warranty.
Q: I see. Well… I guess I understand now why I couldn’t find a pilot light.

Q: My… Mac and I have a relationship problem.
A: I see. Well, you came to the right place.
Q: You see… I feel that my Mac doesn’t understand me. I just want to use it and then, you know, get back to the rest of my life. But my Mac… my Mac demands constant attention.
A: You need to talk to your Mac. And listen to it.
Q: OK, that’s just hokey psycho babble.
A: No. No. Through the Speech control panel, your Mac can talk to you, and you can listen. You need to open the channels of communication.
Q: OK. OK. I’ll give it a try.
A: Great. You’re on the road to recovery. There’s just one condition.
Q: Oh. Uh… what’s that?
A: Zarvox.
Q: No.
A: Yes, I’m afraid so.
Q: Not Vicki?
A: No. I’m afraid it has to be Zarvox.
Q: Uh… OK. OK.
A: OK. Let’s give it a try.
Q: OK. I’m ready.
A: Here we go.
Q: Oh, no…
A: Now, now. Don’t be like that. You promised to listen.
Q: … OK
A: Zarvox… go ahead.
Q: [sigh]
A: Zarvox… honey…

28 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Tritone says:


  2. Tritone says:

    Huh, I don’t get the Zarvox reference. Oh, well. Hey is this 2nd post? Well, I concede 2nd post; whoever wants it can have it.

  3. Tao says:

    Zarvok rules

  4. Carl says:

    If you don’t know Zarvok, then it’s clear that your voice is not your password.

  5. Nxxx says:

    British Mac minis run on natural gas and have pilot lights. I use mine as a laptop, running on the munificence of methane generated by a vegetarian diet.

    Vegetarian is a Native American word for bad hunter.

  6. Anonymous says:

    The quality of CARS is restoring its self to its former glory. Excelent.

    Nice article.

  7. GingerSex says:

    I did something about CARS running on methane, or was that cars?

  8. Ace Deuce says:


    I’m in the top ten. It’s almost exciting.

    Zarvox used to be the voice of my telephone answering system. But I fired him because people stopped calling.

    Victoria now does the honors. She lives in the shed with Ralph and Fred.

  9. bob says:

    Victoria is way sexier than Vicky. That’s all I have to say.

  10. 2000guitars says:

    so then Victoria has 2 beaus? What would Huh?’s pants say?

  11. one man and his mac says:

    I always preferred something a bit more musical, like Good News or Bad News (I think that’s what they were called).

    And eleventh!

  12. Poster Poser Poster says:

    What do you mean WERE called???

    Twelvfsth — one better than eleventh.

  13. iBode says:

    I like Bad News:

    “The light you see at the end of the tunnel-

    Is the headlamp of a fast approaching train.”

    There’s something in me that loves that horrible irony.

    Trinoids is rather cool, too.

    Bubbles is funny, however cruel that may seem.

  14. Paul says:

    You can do “Mary had a little lamb” with Cellos

  15. MIchael Martin says:

    Fifteenth post!! Horray!

  16. Sudo Nym says:

    Zarvox and honey… mmmmm….

  17. Will Feldhusen says:

    I prefer Cellos. I used it for my answering machine. Then people stopped calling.

  18. Vader says:

    Wish my G5 ran on methane.

  19. pancho villa says:

    mexican macminis run on tequila. they run pretty fast, but after a while they get angry and burst in tears. pretty annoying.

  20. Psyko says:

    Ya misspelled my name.


  21. zoundsPadang says:

    I always enjoyed finding really long words and listening to Vicki try to pronounce them!

  22. zoundsPadang says:


  23. Del says:

    At one point someone had a good portion of the Mega-Post read by one of the voices.

    It’s monday so I can’t remember any more details.

    My laptop and i have a great relationship. We often have open and frank dialogue with each other. I try to have serious conversations but Fred just wants to tell me knock knock jokes.

  24. Slowpoke says:

    FIRST! (…time i’ve ever taken part in the race for first post. And i failed… miserable… i’m so fricking lame)

    And whats the deal with the CARS logo, what is that, look like a… I don’t know what it looks like. I suppose it could look like gods bum hole, you know, all cosmic and holy (fnup fnar!)

  25. Huh? says:

    Well, my pants and I are back from sunny Cannes, and I’ll just say that 23 hours of travel (including layovers) SUCKS!!!!

    But on a more timely note, my pants are in the process of hiring some of Del’s kittens to take care of Victoria’s ‘other’ beaus.

    Very jealous pants….


  26. Del says:

    Huh? they are currently a little busy helping with the Apple DRM enforcement, but for you I think they will find a little time.

  27. scared monster says:


    I am only 15 hours from (now rainy) Cannes. By car. Not carsÂ…