Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.


Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.


Q: I’m working on an older Mac and I’d like to transfer some files to it, but the newer Mac the people I work with don’t have floppy drives. How can I do this?
A: There are many ways to accomplish this. Does the Mac you’re working on have a CD drive?
Q: Mmmmmm… no.
A: OK. Does it have an Ethernet port?
Q: Uhhhhh… no.
A: Oh. OK. Well, does it have an ADB port?
Q: I… don’t… think… so.
A: Uh… what kind of ports does it have?
Q: Well, there’s just this one thingy here and it’s… kind of a giant gaping maw filled with flame and… and… um… looks like death.
A: Uh… huh.
Q: Yeah, it’s definitely death.
A: Yeah, OK. See, your Mac isn’t really a Mac. It’s a demon-god of some unknown hell dimension.
Q: Uh… should I get out of the building?
A: Mmm… I would.


Q: I have a G4 PowerBook and I occasionally have a need to leave it in the trunk of my car during cold weather. How low can the temperature get before I would risk damaging my PowerBook?
A: Generally a PowerBook can withstand temperatures as low as -4,000 Kelvin.
Q: Uh… I’m pretty sure you’re wrong about that. 0 degrees Kelvin is the point at which molecular energy is a minimum.
A: Oh. Maybe I was thinking of Celcius.
Q: I doubt it. I’m not even sure -4,000 is possible on any scale.
A: Well, regardless, your PowerBook’s probably OK if you wrap it in one of those space blankets.
Q: But if it’s not on, it doesn’t have any heat to conserve…
A: Space blanket.
Q: …so that won’t do anything.
A: SPACE BLANKET! SPACE BLANKET! SPACE BLANKET!
Q: OK. OK. OK. Space blanket.
A: Space. Blanket.
Q: Weirdo.
A: Mommie…


Q: I have an iMac – one of the ones with the swivel monitor – and I was wondering… where is Raul?
A: Raul?
Q: Yes. Raul. You know of whom I speak.
A: I…
Q: A-HA! Your hesitation betrays you! That means Raul is someplace very close…
A: Look, is this going someplace, because it’s close to closing time and…
Q: Raul and I have unfinished business! Debts must be settled! Consequences paid!
A: OK, well, how about this – if Raul comes by, I’ll tell him you were looking for him.
Q: Hmm. Very well. But I shall return. And one day, with god as my witness, Raul shall face me. Farewell.
A: Farewell.

RAUL: Is he gone?
A: Dude, it’s a $6 rental late fee on Scooby-Doo 2. Why don’t you just pay him?
RAUL: I… enjoy the thrill of the chase.
A: OK, well, you can’t hide under the desk anymore.
RAUL: Ooooh…

32 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Me thinks Raul is doing more than hiding under the desk…NOT that there is anything wrong with that…ahem.

    But if its Jennifer Frickin’ Connelly, now thats ideal.

    Oh, and uh 6th underlings.

  2. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

    “degrees kelvin”

    aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

    aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

    aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargh!

  3. I once spent the night in the Cascade Range during a thunderstorm with only a Space Blanket (one of the original ripstop style with grommets)and a sleeping bag. The sky was filled with sheet lightning, and the pitter patter of raindrops added a counterpoint to the clash of titans. Actually there were no titans–I made that part up.

  4. BLANKET! BLANKET! BLANKET! BLANKET! BLANKET! BLANKET!

    BLANKET! BLANKET! BLANKET! BLANKET! BLANKET! BLANKET!

    BLANKET! BLANKET! BLANKET! BLANKET! BLANKET! BLANKET!

    BLANKET! BLANKET! BLANKET! BLANKET! BLANKET! BLANKET!

  5. “giant gaping maw filled with flame”

    sounds like a compact-mac fishbowl. only i wouldn’t put a goldfish in there… well…ok…ya, i would. MUAHAHAHAHA!!!

    *disappears in a puff of smoke and flame*

  6. As I am officially a representant of the Demon Syndicate, I have to protest with force to the devaluating use you had of a, I quote, «demon-god of some unknown hell dimension».

    Please stop making references to our respectable kind of being, letting people think we are monsters doing terrible things.

    This is an official warn, and you are to take it seriously, since blood-thirsty brain-eaters are already on the way of your Help Desk Office.

    With Loving Care,

    your Scared Monster.

  7. Dear Sirs and Ladies,

    I have been informed by a friend of mine, who was a little bit upset by the misuse of his category of beings, that I was quoted in one of your late works.

    Much to my surprise, I discovered my name was spelled wrong («Celcius» (sic.)), plus that you were in a tremendous lack of understanding of my work.

    As the Celsius Scale is concieved, with 100 for the boiling point of water and 0 for the freezing point, the Kelvin Point is at -273°C.

    Hence, there is no -4000°C.

    Please make some correction in your Bulletin.

    Respectuosly,

    Anders Celsius.

  8. Hmm…methinks Zeb’s comment lends a different perspective to the movie title “Eating Raoul”. Well, okay, so it’d be the other way around, and the name is spelled differently, but, well, if you’re gonna get all nit-picky about it just forget I said anything! You can just find someone else to provide vulgar innuendoes!

    Actually, don’t, there’s so many of them on this site, that ‘d be too easy. Please, don’t abandon me, I’ll do better next time…really, I will…. And I’ll even provide sexbots…with tapioca pudding, you know, the slippy, slidey kind….!

  9. The new intel powerbooks can probably reach -4000 Celsius degrees. And when it does, I will be there.

    Frozen to death.

    I’ll need a space blanket.

  10. Mmmmmm. Pants made of Space Blanket™ material.

    Yummy.

    Actually, I’d like to take a moment away from my quasi-humorous comments about pants and cows to wish everyone a very merry Christmas and a wonderful New Year. Remember kids, don’t drink and drive…

    Mmmmmm. Pants….

    moo

  11. “0 degrees Kelvin”

    OHO!

    My knowledge of physical terms surpasses yours!

    The Kelvin scale is not measured in terms of degrees. It’s just Kelvins. 0 kelvins.

    Furthermore, “0 degrees [sic] Kelvin is the point at which molecular energy is a minimum” is misleading, because it’s impossible to actually reach zero kelvins (absolute zero). It’s a limit, rather than a real temperature. You didn’t specifically suggest that reaching 0 kelvins is possible, but it’s implied by the wording. At least say “hypothetical point” instead of “point”. Honestly!

  12. ACTUALLY, 0 Kelvin is the point that things like two button Apple mice and Macs running on Intel chips TRUELY exist. Coincidentally, it’s also the freezing point of Hell (forcing out all the demon-gods)

  13. It’s about 27 Melvins outside right now, and it’s supposed to get down to about 19 Melvins later.

    Some of their moms called out that is time to come in.

  14. Ha! I claim -4000th post and my name is NOT Calvin and I’m not wearing my Calvin Klein’s and I don’t rent movies with Kevin Klein in them and when I do, which I don’t, but when I do I return them on time!

    Glad the Invisible Evil Boys’ Choir made it into this episode. Space Blankets! Ha.

  15. all you mac loosers suck, I mean, get over yourselves. Self appreciating stevy jobs fan boys! Theres no software for mac, no games, just pretty little boxes that sit on your desks and cost an arm and a leg to buy! Windows owns the market for a reason, Microsoft invented the GUI and Apple thinks it can move in just by rounding off a few corners, adding drop shaddow and bubblegum icons! get real!!!

    Nah, i can’t keep this up with a straight face! only joking peeps. You should have seen the looks on your faces! classic! Sorry but i’ve been spending far too much time on digg.

    But Micrososft did invent the GUI and thats a fact!

    and while I’m here, I may as well claim last! or maybe I’ll just set up for…

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