Rubinstein Devoured By Beavers.

The Macintosh community was devastated to learn today that Senior Vice President of the iPod division Jon Rubinstein was devoured by beavers.

According to sources, the Apple executive was sitting quietly in his office when approximately a dozen vicious, killer beavers entered and completely consumed him.

“All I could see was Jon flailing his arms as he went down behind the desk,” said Rubinstein’s assistant, Rob Sanders. “Then there was this gnawing sound and those tails… flapping in the air…

“I don’t think I’ll ever forget those horrible tails.”

A visibly shaken Chief Operating Officer Tim Cook was uncertain how the beavers got as far as Rubinstein’s office.

“They apparently signed in and received badges and everything,” Cook said. “We’re going to, um, look into our security procedures.

“Won’t help Jon, though. Poor bastard.”

Other Apple executives were less matter-of-fact than Cook.

“Nooooooo!!!” screamed Chief Technology Officer Avie Tevanian, falling to his knees and tearing at his shirt. “Johnny! JOHN-NY!!!

“He was just six weeks from retirement! Why is it always the good ones?!”

Cupertino animal control is asking residents to keep an eye out for a gang of roving beavers.

40 thoughts on “Rubinstein Devoured By Beavers.”

  5. How did Moltz know about an attack by super-secret Delvian assassins (maneating beavers) so soon unless he and the Entity were behind it? The Galactic Council will want to know. Is this related to Moltz’s heinous attack on Miller? We are watching!

  6. Microsoft releases iPod(division president)-killing beavers! Bill Gates was right, they do have an iPod-killer!

    Will they start going after iPod users next?

  13. Say what you may, beavers are industrious and enterprising. They are builders, nature’s engineers.

    Except for the carnivorous ones, that is. Those are heartless and destructive, and their motives are mysterious.

    Perhaps they are settling a score.

  16. Rubenstien was only 6 weeks form retirement. Wow, CARS has actually provided me with some info I didn’t know about the ‘real world’.
    On second thoughts, executive-devouring beavers aren’t *that* ‘real world’.

  20. I don’t understand. You’re tellin’ me Rubinstein wasn’t armed? How could he not be armed? What kind of a…

    …that…doesn’t make sense.

    Not even a pistol?

    How ‘n the hell are they conducting business over there?

  21. I bet Rubenstein is regretting stealing funds from the Lesbian Ninja Sexbot division now. If he had left there funding intact they may have had more than the one prototype available for cambus security.

    What a fight that would have been, lesbian beaver versus maneating beaver. The fur would have really flown.

  22. See, if I was there those little hairy bastards would have gone down faster than a lawyer!!!
    I mean John would still be dead, but hell friendly fire and all that.
    You know what they say kill-em all and and sort them out later.
    One really nice big beaver coat $5 Quatloos
    One VP to be buried with said coat. $22 Quatloos
    Making sure that all iPods get shipped by Halliburton
    Priceless…..

  24. I’ve always heard impressive things about Jon’s wood. I guess the rumors were right, beavers always know where to find the best wood.

  26. This is why I read CARS. The “Mainstream” Media will cover this up! Just watch, I bet there won’t be a single mention of this anywhere.

    Are we sure they are not Iraqi beaver? I have been hearing that beaver over there can get you killed…

  27. I would have thought the Lesbian Ninja Sexbot cadre would be out in force over this outrage. Slow day I guess.

  34. Can’t tell from the IP addresses. But the overwhelming scent of Hai Karate is a dead giveaway.

  35. Pingback: Crazy Apple Rumors Site » Blog Archive » Avie Tevanian: The Exclusive CARS Interview!
  40. Pingback: Crazy Apple Rumors Site » Blog Archive » Ruby

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