16 Feb 06Amazon Challenges Apple.

While many news outlets reported today a rumor that Amazon may challenge Apple’s online music store, Crazy Apple Rumors Site has learned that the company has issued a challenge of a different kind.

In a personal email, Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos challenged Apple CEO Steve Jobs to a fight to determine who would own the online market for music sales.

According to an email forwarded to CARS, Bezos said Jobs could pick from the following list of contests:

  • A slap fight, the winner to be determined by who falls on the floor, curls up in a ball and shrieks “Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!” like a little girl first.
  • A drinking game based on watching Olympic ice skating. Jobs and Bezos will drink once every time someone mentions the new scoring system, twice every time a US skater falls. Last man conscious wins.
  • Hitting each other on the head with gigantic hammers until one of them passes out.
  • A greased, homo-erotic wrestling match in the semi-nude.

According to sources close to Jobs, upon reading the email the Apple CEO likened it to being challenged to fight for the right to eat his lunch, which he already brought to work in a brown paper bag with “Steve” written on it with an El Marko.

“It’s already my lunch,” Jobs reportedly noted. “Why would I agree to fight for it?

“How many times do I have to put up with this crap?” Jobs reportedly asked. “‘Microsoft to challenge iTunes.’ ‘Google to challenge iTunes.’ ‘Amazon to challenge iTunes.’ ‘Army of Brazilian Hitler clones to challenge iTunes.’

“Call me when you’ve got more than a million subscribers for your brilliant subscription-based service. There’s a great idea. Those have already worked so well.

“Uh, also call me when you’ve cloned a million Hitlers. It’d probably be good to know if that happens too.”

30 Responses to “Amazon Challenges Apple.”

  1. Picker of Nits says:

    Oh yes, baby. Sweet, sweet first!

  2. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Three-th? Na. And not one Hitler clone to my name!

  3. 999,999 Brazilian Hitler Clones says:

    Quatroith? 4rd? 4nd? 4st? Who knows…

    iTunes = Lunch, Lunchtime = iTunestime, but time is an illusion, and lunchtime doubly so, so is iTunes an illusion?

  4. comacnut says:

    I already won iTunes in a Poker go with Steve last month. So it’s not even his to give away.


  5. iBode says:

    I am the only one who finds it ironic that I’m staring at an Amazon.com ad on the right side of the post?

  6. Jon says:

    I’ve got about half a dozen in Hitler clones my freezer right now.

    They keep pretty well. Thaw them when you need them and all. Kinda like frozen vegetables, except with more of an inclination to establish a Fourth Reich.

    And less niacin.

    Incidentally, that’s why the secret Nazi Hitler clone factories are in Antarctica. Cheap storage.

    That, and easy entry and exit for the UFOs. See, aliens are pretty bad about not getting more freezer space unless they *really* need it. One time Tentaculous showed me his home gelato setup (he sent me home with a pint of chocolate hazelnut!) and he had about six gallons of gelato in there! He does that every week for employee breaks, and half of it is melting by the end of the week because he has to open the door every time he needs ice. I asked him why he never bought a Sub-Zero and he just mumbled something about making do with what he has, and I was all, “Tentaculous, you can afford a solar system-sized teleforce weapon just to obliterate a single species, single-handedly pay R&D costs for the Tablet PC, *and* get three gelato freezers, but it would be too much to get a freezer where your taquitos and Eggos don’t fall on the floor every time you open the door?”

    He just nodded and said I had a point, but you know he never even looked at them.

    And just so we’re all clear, I wasn’t collaborating with Tentaculous. I had a plasma beam duel with him back in 1998 and he called a snack break. His side hosted everything, which I thought was nice.

    He aslo roasts his own coffee.

  7. Ace Deuce says:

    When I saw the headline, I really was hoping it was the other kind of amazon, like the ones in that fab movie, “Love Slaves of the Amazons.”

  8. But, Bezos already falls to the ground, crying “stop it, stop it” like a little girl at least four or five times a day. Didn’t everyone already know this?

    As ever,


  9. Steve Jobs says:

    I challenged Bezos to drop a hit of acid, and he fell down on the ground and screamed like a little girl.



  10. Carl says:

    11 is better than Amazon.

  11. Jon Rubinstein says:

    Whew! It’s OK, guys. I survived the beavers. I managed to sneak out form under them and hide behind a giant 5G iPod cardboard cutout. Although…wait..what was that?….OMG they’ve regouped and returned! – No! NO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooo…..



  12. Huh? says:

    More beaver(s).

    We should send some over to Amazon…


  13. Nxxx says:

    Damn it , Moltz,you’ve now increased security on Jobs’ lunch, just as I was nearing completion of my evil plan to steal it. Think I’ll steal yours instead, but its’ probably liquid.

  14. The Invisible Evil Hitler Clones' Choir says:


  15. Streetrabbit says:

    Very funny comment at number 7 Jon. Even the “aslo” in the last sentence was funny.

    Well that’s why we’re all here isn’t it? We table our wares hoping others will see what great wits we are and sometimes, just once in a while, a fellow traveler will stop and pause and say what a jolly japer we are.

    But I digress, let me say this, if I understand correctly and Jobs is going up against the Amazons, why wouldn’t he go for the semi-nude wrestling?

  16. Yodelaheehoo says:

    Yodel we also challenge iTMS and Steve Jobs eeeoooo

    Ahlaahaalahdeeoooh to our site at http://www.yodelers.com/ and get your free MP3s eeeeoooo

    We’ll put up a better fight than Amazon eeeeooooo

  17. Del says:

    At first I was going to vote the “greased, homo-erotic wrestling match in the semi-nude”. Imagine what the ticket sales would go for, but really I’ve got a thing for hammers so I hope they end up “Hitting each other on the head with gigantic hammers until one of them passes out”.

  18. John Majors says:

    Streetrabbit, personally I come for the cricket updates but haven’t seen any lately. Probably Motlz’s fault, but knowing him he will blame Howard.

  19. Saikou Yuden says:

    Wake me when we’re down to Godzilla vs. iTunes. That’s the only real challenge iTunes is likely to face (in the near future, anyway).

    Okay Gamera, maybe, but not any of the second-tier kaiju…

  20. I don’t know about you all, but I have ZERO interest in seeing either Steve Jobs or Jeff Bezos in the semi-nude.

    ::horrified shudder::

  21. Good King Winky the Eighth, Hopefully Ninth Too, If the Cloning Experiment Works as Planned says:

    Funny stuffs!

    I kinna hardly wait to the the AmazonPod!

    I hope it’s Black and Yellow! Maybe they will have a special “Stryper” model pre-loaded with that band’s cherished musical stylings.

  22. Hai Karate, El Marko?! It’s a ’70s commercial product revival! I counter your Hai Karate with an Aqua Velva and I’m raising you a pack of Velveta and a box of Freakies cereal!

    Perzonally, I think Barugon would be the monster most up to the task of taking out Apple iTunes. He could cut the fiber connections to phobos with his mighty knife-nose thing. What is that a Ginsu proboscis?

  23. g0rdo says:

    25th you forgot the quotation mark


  24. A Scooter imposter says:

    OMG, Dvorak Challenges CARS!!!

  25. anonymous says:

    top 30! HA!

  26. Limeybloke, in an English accent says:

    Huzzah! 28th! Oh. Er actually that’s not too good is it. Bollocks. Ummm, when do you chappies usually start posting and in what time zone? I’m wondering if I’m at work.

  27. Limeybloke, in an English accent says:

    Oooh , Ooh I just noticed the time stamp! Right so if it’s 5:19pm there and it’s 1:20am here and your first post was at 8.44pm that means I’d have to post at . . . , oh Bugger. 4-5am. Even I’m not that sad. I don’t do early mornings , sorry chaps.

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