15 Feb 06Rubinstein Devoured By Beavers.

The Macintosh community was devastated to learn today that Senior Vice President of the iPod division Jon Rubinstein was devoured by beavers.

According to sources, the Apple executive was sitting quietly in his office when approximately a dozen vicious, killer beavers entered and completely consumed him.

“All I could see was Jon flailing his arms as he went down behind the desk,” said Rubinstein’s assistant, Rob Sanders. “Then there was this gnawing sound and those tails… flapping in the air…

“I don’t think I’ll ever forget those horrible tails.”

A visibly shaken Chief Operating Officer Tim Cook was uncertain how the beavers got as far as Rubinstein’s office.

“They apparently signed in and received badges and everything,” Cook said. “We’re going to, um, look into our security procedures.

“Won’t help Jon, though. Poor bastard.”

Other Apple executives were less matter-of-fact than Cook.

“Nooooooo!!!” screamed Chief Technology Officer Avie Tevanian, falling to his knees and tearing at his shirt. “Johnny! JOHN-NY!!!

“He was just six weeks from retirement! Why is it always the good ones?!”

Cupertino animal control is asking residents to keep an eye out for a gang of roving beavers.

40 Responses to “Rubinstein Devoured By Beavers.”

  1. Laether says:

    Lol 3th

  2. Jon says:

    Sexual pun goes here.

  3. the Watcher says:

    How did Moltz know about an attack by super-secret Delvian assassins (maneating beavers) so soon unless he and the Entity were behind it? The Galactic Council will want to know. Is this related to Moltz’s heinous attack on Miller? We are watching!

  4. croikle says:

    Microsoft releases iPod(division president)-killing beavers! Bill Gates was right, they do have an iPod-killer!

    Will they start going after iPod users next?

  5. Nobody ever says:

    Pistachio, please, anymore.

  6. MonkeyShine says:

    Yes, top ten!

  7. Huh? says:

    EVERYbody loves beaver(s)


    no innuendo here…

    no, sir


  8. Ace Deuce says:

    Say what you may, beavers are industrious and enterprising. They are builders, nature’s engineers.

    Except for the carnivorous ones, that is. Those are heartless and destructive, and their motives are mysterious.

    Perhaps they are settling a score.

  9. Nxxx says:

    Springfield Homer mutants obviously. Arrest all three fingered people.

  10. SenatorK says:


  11. One man and his mac says:

    Rubenstien was only 6 weeks form retirement. Wow, CARS has actually provided me with some info I didn’t know about the ‘real world’.
    On second thoughts, executive-devouring beavers aren’t *that* ‘real world’.

  12. agent jay says:

    yay! europe top 20!

  13. Ever try keeping those damned things away from a mostly-wooden airplane?



  14. Dick Cheney says:

    I don’t understand. You’re tellin’ me Rubinstein wasn’t armed? How could he not be armed? What kind of a…

    …that…doesn’t make sense.

    Not even a pistol?

    How ‘n the hell are they conducting business over there?

  15. Garnack says:

    I bet Rubenstein is regretting stealing funds from the Lesbian Ninja Sexbot division now. If he had left there funding intact they may have had more than the one prototype available for cambus security.

    What a fight that would have been, lesbian beaver versus maneating beaver. The fur would have really flown.

  16. The Real Cheney says:

    See, if I was there those little hairy bastards would have gone down faster than a lawyer!!!
    I mean John would still be dead, but hell friendly fire and all that.
    You know what they say kill-em all and and sort them out later.
    One really nice big beaver coat $5 Quatloos
    One VP to be buried with said coat. $22 Quatloos
    Making sure that all iPods get shipped by Halliburton

  17. Curtis says:

    I sure hope they don’t try to pin this one on Canada…

  18. Del says:

    I’ve always heard impressive things about Jon’s wood. I guess the rumors were right, beavers always know where to find the best wood.

  19. crow says:

    And right before the Blue Fairy was going to turn him into a real boy, too.

  20. acl says:

    This is why I read CARS. The “Mainstream” Media will cover this up! Just watch, I bet there won’t be a single mention of this anywhere.

    Are we sure they are not Iraqi beaver? I have been hearing that beaver over there can get you killed…

  21. blank says:

    I would have thought the Lesbian Ninja Sexbot cadre would be out in force over this outrage. Slow day I guess.

  22. This has been the best dam post on CARS in a long time.

    Johnny, we hardly knew ya.

  23. Vicious, killer beavers?!!1! Best. Article. Ever.

    Stay gold, beaver boy.

    Lesbian, ninja, beaverbot iPod killer’s tails.


  24. g0rdo says:

    30th , and wow how stupid was that


  25. iBode says:

    I’m beginning to think that g0rdo is just jinzo with a new name.

  26. Yeah, jizzno was pretty much a waste of space. Unlike the regulars he lacked a certain, how do you say?, sense of humor and a clue. Jeez, off the top of my head…

    New Headline: “Beaver eats man”

  27. iBode says:

    Well, it’s just the fact the he’s ending his posts with “bitches” just like a certain someone…

  28. John Moltz says:

    Can’t tell from the IP addresses. But the overwhelming scent of Hai Karate is a dead giveaway.

  29. […] TEVANIAN: Well, truth be told, you don’t see a coworker get devoured by beavers and not have it affect you. I realized that life is short. And precious. And fragile. […]

  30. John Grimm says:

    Lesbian pride!

    John Grimm

  31. ivatsg says:

    Hi My Name Is ivauhz.

  32. Sedrik says:

    love your stuff!!!! Please let me know when you update your site. I’m always looking for something funky!