24 Mar 06Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I have a Mac mini with a SuperDrive and I want to be able to copy DVDs that I rent at the store so I can have them around… um… for the kiddies. I know it can be done, but I tried to ask how to do this on Apple’s support boards and all I got was a long ride on the waaaaaaambulance about how it’s illegal or something. Some crap like that. Stupid crap. So, how do I copy DVDs?
A: Copying DVDs is illegal and Crazy Apple Rumors Site and its parent company Giant Squid Productions do not condone, sanction or participate in the practice.
Q: …
A: …
Q: …
A: We do however offer a pamphlet entitled “How To Copy DVDs – Or ‘How I Stopped Worrying About DRM And Learned To Love Sticking It To The Man.'”
Q: I’ll take ten.

Q: I recently bought a Mac mini and a video iPod…
A: Not a true video iPod. That won’t be out until…
Q: Stop it.
A: Sorry. Rumor writer tick.
Q: Anyway, when I went to load up iTunes and rip some songs, I actually read the EULA and… well… I don’t know, maybe everyone else knows this but me, but is Steve Jobs really allowed to come into my house while I’m asleep and suck vital fluids from my brain using a fleshy proboscis that he normally keeps retracted inside his cheek?
A: Oh, sure. That’s standard. Well… standard taking into account Steve’s particular genetic mutation. But you should read the EULA for the Windows version of Microsoft Office. There’s some scary shit in there. Human sacrifice kinda scary.
Q: Well, I know. That’s was why I decided to switch to the Mac. Hmm. I’m thinking maybe I’ll try Linux.
A: Ha! Go ahead! Enjoy your quarterly game of nude Twister with Linus Torvalds!
Q: You’re making that up.
A: Am not! Section 14.3 of the GNU GPL!
Q: The hell?! What is with this industry?!

Q: I’m working on an aging G3 PowerBook running OS 9. I know, I know, it’s high past time that I make the move to OS X and I fully intend to do that. My problem right now, though, is do I go to a PowerPC-based Mac laptop or an Intel-based one?
A: First you’re going to want to catalog your applications and determine a cost for replacing each and whether or not Universal Binaries are available. Then you’re going to want to assign a weighting for each application’s value to you. If you have crucial applications that are not available as Universal Binaries and aren’t likely to be available before the sun explodes – cough, Photoshop, cough – you’re more likely to want a G4-based iBook or PowerBook. But buying a G4-based laptop means you’ll be facing another migration down the road. You can perform a cost/benefit analysis using the time value of money approach to figure out which is the most optimal solution for you.
Q: Huh. Jeez, it sounds kind of complicated.
A: Well, yes, it is.
Q: You know, on second thought, I think it’s easier to just sit here and continue to drink.
A: Well… OS 9’s not that bad.
Q: Not after a couple of martinis.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. comacnut says:


  2. UhhhDude says:


  3. Buthidae says:


  4. UhhhDude says:

    OS X is pretty stable after a couple of martinis, too. Now if you’ll excuse me, Steve and his proboscis are waiting.

  5. comacnut says:

    Does your body produce more brain fluid or is there a finite supply? I mean Steve could just dry my brain up like a little prune.


  6. I says:

    European Swallow!

  7. Ace Deuce says:

    Human sacrifice? Again?

    Sometimes when I read the Crazy Apple Help Desk, I find it helpful. Not this time, though. My problems are far removed from today’s topics. They are skin-centric.

    Why doesn’t CARS have a dermatologist on staff? Someone who can answer difficult questions about impetigo and scabies?

  8. won says:


    This what WordNet (r) 2.0 has to say about probosces:

    n 1: the human nose (especially when it is large)

    Ha! And that’s not all. Here’s Moby Thesaurus’ (a species of educated precambrian whale) take on the issue:

    23 Moby Thesaurus words for “proboscis”:
    antlia, beak, beezer, bill, bugle, conk, muffle, muzzle, nares, neb, nib, nose, nostrils, nozzle, olfactory organ, pecker, rhinarium, rostrum, schnozzle, smeller, snoot, snout, trunk

    “Neb?!” “Pecker?!?!” 4 shizzle?

  9. Rev says:

    So what’s the big deal

  10. Rev says:

    About post number 11?

  11. Annie Keye says:

    Caller #2 must be, like, such a total n00b… we all remember where Steve’s proboscis came from *before* the PowerPC was introduced. Yeah – *THAT* place… makes you uneasy? n00b!

    Besides, we liked it like that, in those days. You shoulda been there, really… n00b!

  12. Wesley says:

    Anyone have a EULA for Solaris around?

  13. g0rdo says:

    14th holy shit thats the best ive ever done !!!!!!!!!


  14. Dude from Spokane says:

    And then UCLA crushes Memphis.
    Go fucking figure.

  15. Tao says:

    Wow, after reading that, I realised i do miss drinking while using OS 9…
    OS X drunk just isn’t the same.

  16. Huh? says:

    OS 9 drunk is great and all, but my pants and I really miss System 7 drunk.

    THOSE were the days…

    Now, I have heard that OS XI drunk is supposed to be something on a whole new level.

    Haven’t seen it… just heard about it.



  17. Just put Ubuntu on that aging G3 iBook. My daughter is absolutely excited that with a Power PC Linux on her Mac that she can have all the advantages of a modern operating system with tons of great apps for free too!

  18. Del says:

    The Solaris EULA basically outlines the lengthy rituals you must perform in order to get any hardware or software to work. You think that this means that you get off easy compared to the other OSes, but depending on what you are trying to accomplish brain sucking, human sacrifice, and nekkid twister are all parts of it.

    The worst part is you have to have the machine in single user mode throughout the entire LONG ritual so your machine is out of service. Even Windows lets you patch, upgrade, etc and then do a quick human sacrifice and reboot.

  19. iBode says:

    Anyone know where I could find a EULA that in some way involves virgins?

  20. LimeyBloke, in an English accent says:

    I’m using OSX drunk now and I tell youu (Hic) Os9 has nothing on this, especialy if you’re holding down Shift whilst collapsing windows.


    Shit I spilt my Laphroig. More Whiskey!
    Open bottle, pour.
    Clean Trousers.
    Pour in glass this time.

    Damn! How can I post from the floor?
    It’s alright I don’t have a Magsafe connector, I can pull the Powerbook down onto the floor by the wire to hit “submit” Huzzah!

  21. Huh? says:

    The only EULA that involves virgins, that I can recall, is DOS 3.3.

    Go figure….


  22. LimeyBloke, in an English accent says:

    I tell you . . . I tell you. . .
    I Dunno, Itsh all SHIT!
    Yesh! (Hic)
    and who do these Am-heric, Amneric Amino-erican, YANKS think they are nyway? (Hic)
    Bloody Colonials! If it wasn’t for us they’d be living in TeePees. Or Dead with arrows.
    In their heads.
    And balls. (Hic)
    Ungrateful gits! (Hic!)
    And as for the French!
    (Passes Out)

  23. Jerms says:

    You guys are total genius. Keep up the great work! Oh yeah, and thanks, I needed a good laugh today.

  24. Disgusted Col Retd says:

    Poster Number 21 boasts of spilling Laphroaig Islay Single Malt Whiskey!
    He should be taken out and shot.
    Poster Number 23 should be congratulated on his attitude to the French, who invented the Windows Operating System.
    Disgusted Col Retd

  25. Good reference to “Dr Stangelove: or how I learned to stop worrying and love the bomb” in question #1…. not that any of the whippersnappers around here would appreciate such a reference! damn youngins!!!! so will that pamphlet instruct me how do get past the DRM on strangelove… I want to put that on my full screen – touch sensitive REAL video ipod that I stole from Apple’s secret design team

  26. Mandrake says:

    Plan R? Are you sure, sir?

  27. Del says:

    No Plan 9 not Plan R you know the one from Outer Space.

  28. LimeyBloke, in an English accent says:

    It’sh all right, I shtill have some Lagvulin left and a little of the Glenlivet 25 year-old.

    At leasht until I manage to get off thish floor and reach the drinksh cupboard. Hic!

  29. Plan 9? Ah, yes. Plan 9 deals with the resurrection of the dead. Long distance electrodes shot into the pineal and pituitary gland of the recently dead.

    That’s a good plan, but happened to the other 8?

  30. LimeyBloke, in an English accent says:

    I drank them. Hic!

  31. Daniel says:

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