31 Mar 06Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site is thrilled to announce that – in honor of Apple’s 30th Anniversary tomorrow – all of today’s questions will be answered by none other than Apple CEO Steve Jobs! It’s quite a feather in our caps and we’ve spared no expense to bring you the full experience what what Steve sounds like answering help desk questions in text format.

So, take it away, Steve!


Q: Steve, I’m a lesbian with a tremendous rack and I also happen to be a Mac mini owner. My question is, when I’m lathering up my partner – who also has a tremendous rack – in the shower and I want to switch iTunes on my Mac mini from playing Iron Butterfly’s “In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida” to Barry White’s “I’m Gonna Love You Just A Little More Baby”, is it safe to use the Apple Remote in the shower?
STEVE JOBS: …
A: Steve? Steve? Um…
STEVE JOBS: …
A: Oh, dear, I think we’ve lost Steve already.
Q: Oh, whatever will I do?!
A: Steve may not be able to help you, but please stay on the line. For the love of god, whatever you do please stay on the line.


A: Steve? Are you back?
STEVE JOBS: I’m sorry. I fell out of my chair.
A: That’s entirely understandable. I’m terribly sorry. That was a tough first question. We’ll try to make this one a softball!
STEVE JOBS: Thanks! That’d be great. I usually have a staff of people who do this kind of thing for me. I’m not even sure why I agreed to this.
A: Probably because we’re holding hostages.
STEVE JOBS: Oh, that’s right. I was having so much fun I forgot.
A: Let’s move on to our second question quickly before the police show up!
Q: Steve, I’m a long-time Mac user who likes fine ladies with big butts. I have a G4 PowerBook I bought last year and my question to you is… do you like a big can?
STEVE JOBS: A…
Q: A big can. A whole lotta bootie. You know… has your baby got back?
STEVE JOBS: I thought you said this was going to be a softball question.
A: What do you mean? I don’t think they get any easier than that.
STEVE JOBS: I’m… I’m just not comfortable answering these kinds of questions.
A: Ooh, I see! I think that’s answering without answering.
STEVE JOBS: What?
Q: Oh, yeah! I hear ya loud and clear, Steve!
STEVE JOBS: I didn’t say anything!
A: I’ll just make a note that says “Yes, Steve likes a big can.”
STEVE JOBS: No! No! No note!


A: OK, Steve, last question and, you know, I think this has been a little hard on you so I’m going to make this one really easy.
A: Uh… sure. Whatever.
Q: Steve, you’ve long been known as a “mercurial” executive with a penchant for firing people at the least provocation. Don’t you think having such a short fuse makes your positions as CEO of Apple and the largest shareholder of Disney untenable in the long run?
STEVE JOBS: That’s it! This Q & A is over!
A: Steve?! Steve?!
Q: Uh…
A: Hmm. Well, Steve seems to have stormed off.
Q: Wow.
A: Yeah. I thought for sure we’d get him at “big cans.”
Q: Me too.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. GordonC says:

    Oh Boy.

    Firstest!

    Woo!

  2. bigtom says:

    Second, could it be????

    Wow it’s like my birthday as well as apple’s!!!

  3. stridey says:

    3rd, and I read it.

  4. GordonC says:

    One thing puzzles me. If you just have a mac mini, why would you need to rack mount it?

  5. Nxxx says:

    It’s before noon on April Fool’s Day here in the U.K., yet you post the truth. Come on Moltz, get with it.

  6. Huh? says:

    You had me at ‘tremendous rack’…

    (my pants enjoyed the ‘big can’ part. go figure)

    moo

  7. niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii says:

    I… like… biiiig cans! (and I cannot lie)

  8. Switcher says:

    Me ? In the Top10 ?

    Woooh ! Better and butt… – ahum – better.

  9. Carl says:

    Other brothers attempt to deny this, however, are unable to do so.

  10. Ace Deuce says:

    That was mean, the way you bullied that billionaire and made him bolt!

    Do another one! Bother another billionaire, like Bill, or Buffett or Rupert! Make him squirm!

  11. Paulo's News says:

    My contribution to the holiday excitement: Apple CEO Steve Jobs, conservative pundit Tucker Carlson are Father and Son (www.paulosnews.com)

  12. Wesley says:

    I like this dozen!

  13. yonatr0n says:

    Yay! The CARS Help Desk finally takes my question, and it’s on Steve Jobs day! w00t w00t! Excellent early 30th birthday for me (mine’s on Friday).

    (it was question 2. I’m gonna go back to perusing Smooth Girl magazine now.)

  14. NWJR says:

    But does he like big CARS? As in the CARS help desk?

  15. Chet MacGruder says:

    Are you saying the Help Desk smells like butt? Because I’ve been trying to tell John that for weeks.

  16. g0rdo says:

    16th and best ive evr did

    bitches

  17. Steve Jobs says:

    Someone remind me not to do this again for Apple’s 40th Anniversary.

  18. icewelder says:

    Why do CARS posts that mention lesbians always rock?

  19. Sudo Nym says:

    It’s a pity that CARS doesn’t publish on Saturdays, because I think it would be fun to read some FAKE Apple news sometime, and April Fool’s Day seems like the perfect time for something like that.

  20. hot momma says:

    lesbians prefer windows

  21. comacnut says:

    “lesbians prefer windows”

    You forgot to say April fools.

  22. John Moltz says:

    By all rights, today should be considered our sabbath.

  23. scared monster says:

    What I would like to know is what you did with the hostage. I would like to purchase some Big Butted Second Hand Hostages, I got some …er… let’s say…experiments? to do. Could you lend me a hand?

  24. scared monster says:

    You mean ‘sabbath’ like in “Black Sabbath”?

  25. Kan says:

    Do Not know for what may need remote control in shower.

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