14 Apr 06Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I was reading about how Apple already has the sophisticated, higher income alpha-geek market locked up, but the company needs to bridge the gap with the Joe sixpack consumers.
A: That’s true. Apple has a premium brand and is still looked at as a higher cost or “luxury” computer if you will.
Q: Yeah. Yeah. Well, look, I know you’re in regular contact with Apple executives…
A: Of course.
Q: …and I’ve got an absolutely killer idea for how to reach these consumers.
A: Lay it on me, man.
Q: OK… picture this… instead of those white Apple logo stickers they give out with Macs, they put in window stickers of Calvin peeing on the Windows logo.
A: …
Q: Just like those stickers of Calvin peeing on the Ford logo!
A: …
Q: Well?! What do you think?!
A: Calvin.
Q: Yeah!
A: Calvin & Hobbes‘ Calvin.
Q: Right!
A: So, Apple would put a sticker that violates a copyright in with every Mac.
Q: Yeah! What?
A: You know… if you throw out the copyright issue… [sigh]… I wish I could say categorically that people wouldn’t respond to that…
Q: But you can’t! You can’t, baby!
A: Please don’t make me sigh again.

Q: I have a 900 MHz iBook G3 that has suddenly gone out on me. The machine boots, but the video gets flakey after a few minutes and then the whole thing locks up. It’s not covered by AppleCare and as it’s only worth about $500, I’m not sure if there’s much point of going to the expense of getting it repaired. What should i do with it?
A: Before you give up on your repair options, you should check the iBook Logic Board Repair Program. It’s possible your problem is covered under that.
Q: Oh. OK. What machines are covered?
A: Is your machine white?
Q: Uh, yes.
A: Is it roughly rectangular?
Q: Yessssss…
A: OK. You’ve passed the easy part. Now, check the serial number. Is it in the range UV117XXXXXX to UV342XXXXXX?
Q: Wait. Wait. Uh… pull the battery… Yes! Yes! So, it’s eligible?!
A: You have passed but three of the tests. Now, put your iBook up on its edge, spin it around and let it fall. Does it fall logo side up?
Q: What? Uh… well, here… yes. Yes!
A: Just 15 more tests to go.
Q: What?! 15?!
A: Scratch the battery a little with your fingernail. Does it smell like sweaty gym socks?
Q: 15 more tests?!
A: Well… yes. And then there are the feats of strength. Have you ever wrestled a boar in the semi-nude?
Q: The boar or me?
A: Um… you. The boar would be wearing a leotard.
Q: No! Oh, forget it. I’m just going to buy a new one.
A: Hmph. Oh, that’s great! What am I going to tell the boar?
Q: Well… OK, I’ll wrestle the boar. But that’s it!

Q: I recently downloaded Boot Camp and have been trying to install Windows XP on my Mac, but it doesn’t seem to be working.
A: What kind of Mac is it.
Q: It’s an iMac.
A: Is it an Intel-based iMac?
Q: Pff! What?! Well, of course! You think I’d try to install XP on a 68040?!
A: 68040? Um… you do know that the PowerPC isn’t an Intel-based processor, right?
Q: …
A: …
Q: Um… I know that.
A: Oh. OK.
Q: Now.
A: Ah.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Ace Deuce says:

    First things first, later things to follow.

  2. Ace Deuce says:

    I second that notion.

  3. Simon "Chucklehead" Simpleton says:

    Mmm, sweaty iPod socks, boar leotard… this must be “Fourth floor, Intimate Apparel.”

  4. Pixel Perfect777 says:


  5. Jebus says:


  6. microsoft rulez says:


  7. Mrs. Potato Head says:

    Laughed loudest and longest at this one…I don’t know…maybe I’m tired? But the boar in leotards looking for a wrestling partner…I just don’t know…And yet, how could anything in leotards be a boar?

  8. GingerSex says:

    Sorry to be a boar (sic), but I’m setting up for…

  9. caveman says:

    10 and a half!

  10. Huh? says:

    Well, I don’t wrestle boars, but I have been known to take on a bore or two.

    Without the leotards.

    Them, not me…

    Mmmmmm…… Fresh bore.


  11. fofo says:

    Mrs. Potato claims not to know but I’m not so sure… no I don’t know. yessir not at all.

  12. fofo says:

    ‘head’ I wrote ‘head’ there’s some sort of conspiracy against me, I swear my post has been altered in order to humiliate me. I demand an apology! Who am I kidding? Looks like its honourable suicide for me agian.

  13. Nxxx says:

    This is worrying, what with avian flu. What precautions are being taken to prevent inter specie infection, I mean the boar could die.

  14. Tom says:

    Frankly Avian Flu is already a bit of a bore.

  15. g0rdo says:

    16th yeah haha


  16. Tom says:

    Sorry. You can have it. Go on. Take it.

  17. Gag Halfrunt says:

    Huh?, you forgot your pants.

  18. Buthidae says:

    Twentieth! Bloody oath! 😀

    So, I still get the sticker and the ‘040, right?

    Right? Because… I know you’re thinking about just sending me the iBook.

  19. Mr. 604 says:

    68040? Um… you do know that the 68040 isn’t an PowerPC-based processor, right?

  20. John Moltz says:

    Indeed. The last caller thought the PowerPC was an Intel chip.

  21. How come everybody only cares about Joe Six-Pack!
    What about me, Timmy Two-Liter?
    How come nobody ever tries to please Timmy Two-Liter?


  22. Nxxx says:

    Could it be that you omitted a ‘T’?

  23. Sudo Nym says:

    “Have you ever wrestled a boar in the semi-nude?”

    See, the “semi-nude” part is what worries me about this. Because that could be interpreted in a number of ways. None of them particularly good.

  24. Huh? says:

    Hey Gag-
    After having pants as a central theme for one of John’s articles, I decided to give them a couple days off…


  25. Yeah, you can’t top that! That’s taping into the inner-mind of the CARS staff, you are.

    HA! Feats of strength. Ever drop an Apple 13″ color monitor and catch it in mid-air, only to have the living crap shocked out of you when you realize the monitor discharged onto your body when you caught it? That’s got to be one of them. That and the keyboard/mouse cage fighting. It’s just you, your biggest keyboard and hardiest mouse with a nice thick cord against your opponent! 5000 Quatloos for the winner and my alien daughter’s hand in marrage! Woo-hoo!

    dun-dun dun dun dun dun dun dun-dun-dun-dun
    blllloooop blllloooop!

    Spock knows what I’m talking about.