Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I was reading about how Apple already has the sophisticated, higher income alpha-geek market locked up, but the company needs to bridge the gap with the Joe sixpack consumers.
A: That’s true. Apple has a premium brand and is still looked at as a higher cost or “luxury” computer if you will.
Q: Yeah. Yeah. Well, look, I know you’re in regular contact with Apple executives…
A: Of course.
Q: …and I’ve got an absolutely killer idea for how to reach these consumers.
A: Lay it on me, man.
Q: OK… picture this… instead of those white Apple logo stickers they give out with Macs, they put in window stickers of Calvin peeing on the Windows logo.
A: …
Q: Just like those stickers of Calvin peeing on the Ford logo!
A: …
Q: Well?! What do you think?!
A: Calvin.
Q: Yeah!
A: Calvin & Hobbes‘ Calvin.
Q: Right!
A: So, Apple would put a sticker that violates a copyright in with every Mac.
Q: Yeah! What?
A: You know… if you throw out the copyright issue… [sigh]… I wish I could say categorically that people wouldn’t respond to that…
Q: But you can’t! You can’t, baby!
A: Please don’t make me sigh again.

Q: I have a 900 MHz iBook G3 that has suddenly gone out on me. The machine boots, but the video gets flakey after a few minutes and then the whole thing locks up. It’s not covered by AppleCare and as it’s only worth about $500, I’m not sure if there’s much point of going to the expense of getting it repaired. What should i do with it?
A: Before you give up on your repair options, you should check the iBook Logic Board Repair Program. It’s possible your problem is covered under that.
Q: Oh. OK. What machines are covered?
A: Is your machine white?
Q: Uh, yes.
A: Is it roughly rectangular?
Q: Yessssss…
A: OK. You’ve passed the easy part. Now, check the serial number. Is it in the range UV117XXXXXX to UV342XXXXXX?
Q: Wait. Wait. Uh… pull the battery… Yes! Yes! So, it’s eligible?!
A: You have passed but three of the tests. Now, put your iBook up on its edge, spin it around and let it fall. Does it fall logo side up?
Q: What? Uh… well, here… yes. Yes!
A: Just 15 more tests to go.
Q: What?! 15?!
A: Scratch the battery a little with your fingernail. Does it smell like sweaty gym socks?
Q: 15 more tests?!
A: Well… yes. And then there are the feats of strength. Have you ever wrestled a boar in the semi-nude?
Q: The boar or me?
A: Um… you. The boar would be wearing a leotard.
Q: No! Oh, forget it. I’m just going to buy a new one.
A: Hmph. Oh, that’s great! What am I going to tell the boar?
Q: Well… OK, I’ll wrestle the boar. But that’s it!

Q: I recently downloaded Boot Camp and have been trying to install Windows XP on my Mac, but it doesn’t seem to be working.
A: What kind of Mac is it.
Q: It’s an iMac.
A: Is it an Intel-based iMac?
Q: Pff! What?! Well, of course! You think I’d try to install XP on a 68040?!
A: 68040? Um… you do know that the PowerPC isn’t an Intel-based processor, right?
Q: …
A: …
Q: Um… I know that.
A: Oh. OK.
Q: Now.
A: Ah.