17 Apr 06ATTENTION: ALL MAC USERS REPORT FOR REPROGRAMMING.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.


Q: I was reading about how Apple already has the sophisticated, higher income alpha-geek market locked up, but the company needs to bridge the gap with the Joe sixpack consumers.
A: That’s true. Apple has a premium brand and is still looked at as a higher cost or “luxury” computer if you will.
Q: Yeah. Yeah. Well, look, I know you’re in regular contact with Apple executives…
A: Of course.
Q: …and I’ve got an absolutely killer idea for how to reach these consumers.
A: Lay it on me, man.
Q: OK… picture this… instead of those white Apple logo stickers they give out with Macs, they put in window stickers of Calvin peeing on the Windows logo.
A: …
Q: Just like those stickers of Calvin peeing on the Ford logo!
A: …
Q: Well?! What do you think?!
A: Calvin.
Q: Yeah!
A: Calvin & Hobbes‘ Calvin.
Q: Right!
A: So, Apple would put a sticker that violates a copyright in with every Mac.
Q: Yeah! What?
A: You know… if you throw out the copyright issue… [sigh]… I wish I could say categorically that people wouldn’t respond to that…
Q: But you can’t! You can’t, baby!
A: Please don’t make me sigh again.


Q: I have a 900 MHz iBook G3 that has suddenly gone out on me. The machine boots, but the video gets flakey after a few minutes and then the whole thing locks up. It’s not covered by AppleCare and as it’s only worth about $500, I’m not sure if there’s much point of going to the expense of getting it repaired. What should i do with it?
A: Before you give up on your repair options, you should check the iBook Logic Board Repair Program. It’s possible your problem is covered under that.
Q: Oh. OK. What machines are covered?
A: Is your machine white?
Q: Uh, yes.
A: Is it roughly rectangular?
Q: Yessssss…
A: OK. You’ve passed the easy part. Now, check the serial number. Is it in the range UV117XXXXXX to UV342XXXXXX?
Q: Wait. Wait. Uh… pull the battery… Yes! Yes! So, it’s eligible?!
A: You have passed but three of the tests. Now, put your iBook up on its edge, spin it around and let it fall. Does it fall logo side up?
Q: What? Uh… well, here… yes. Yes!
A: Just 15 more tests to go.
Q: What?! 15?!
A: Scratch the battery a little with your fingernail. Does it smell like sweaty gym socks?
Q: 15 more tests?!
A: Well… yes. And then there are the feats of strength. Have you ever wrestled a boar in the semi-nude?
Q: The boar or me?
A: Um… you. The boar would be wearing a leotard.
Q: No! Oh, forget it. I’m just going to buy a new one.
A: Hmph. Oh, that’s great! What am I going to tell the boar?
Q: Well… OK, I’ll wrestle the boar. But that’s it!


Q: I recently downloaded Boot Camp and have been trying to install Windows XP on my Mac, but it doesn’t seem to be working.
A: What kind of Mac is it.
Q: It’s an iMac.
A: Is it an Intel-based iMac?
Q: Pff! What?! Well, of course! You think I’d try to install XP on a 68040?!
A: 68040? Um… you do know that the PowerPC isn’t an Intel-based processor, right?
Q: …
A: …
Q: Um… I know that.
A: Oh. OK.
Q: Now.
A: Ah.

DUE TO THE POTENTIAL THREAT OF SUBVERSION BY COUNTER-REVOLUTIONARY THOUGHT PRESENTED BY DUAL-BOOTING INTO WINDOWS USING BOOT CAMP, OUR DEAR LEADER STEVE JOBS (PRAISE BE UNTO HIM!) HAS ORDERED THAT ALL MAC USERS REPORT FOR MANDATORY REPROGRAMMING.

CLICK HERE TO FIND A REPROGRAMMING CENTER IN YOUR AREA.

ACCORDING TO PARTY LEADER PHIL SCHILLER, ALL MAC USERS WILL UNDERGO A VIGOROUS PROGRAM OF CALISTHENICS AND IDEOLOGICAL REINDOCTRINATION – WHICH WILL INCLUDE SHOWING THE CLASSIC “1984” SUPER BOWL AD REPEATEDLY UNTIL ALL SUBVERSIVE THOUGHT IS PURGED FROM THE BODY. THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN DETERMINED TO BE A THREAT TO THE GLORIOUS REVOLUTION WILL BE FLOGGED WITH FIREWIRE CABLES UNTIL THEY SEE THE ERROR OF THEIR WAYS, CONFESS THEIR COUNTER-REVOLUTIONARY THOUGHTS AND SEEK THE ABSOLUTION OF OUR DEAR LEADER (PRAISE BE UNTO HIM!).

USERS ARE ENCOURAGED TO TURN IN THEIR FELLOW USERS WHO MAY HAVE BEEN OBSERVED RUNNING WINDOWS, READING WINDOWS WORLD OR MENTIONING THE NAME “PAUL THURROTT” IN SENTENCES THAT DO NOT ALSO INCLUDE THE WORD “SUCKS.” FOR EACH TRAITOR TO THE REVOLUTION THEY TURN IN, CITIZENS OF THE MAC COMMUNITY WILL BE REWARDED WITH A $1.00 CREDIT AT THE ITUNES MUSIC STORE.

THE USER WHO TURNS IN THE MOST COUNTER-REVOLUTIONARIES WILL WIN A SPECIAL EDITION RED IPOD NANO CONTAINING AAC FILES OF THE MACWORLD KEYNOTES OF OUR DEAR LEADER (PRAISE BE UNTO HIM!).

THERE WILL BE A SMALL RECEPTION FOLLOWING THE REPROGRAMMING FEATURING ASSORTED FRUITS AND CHEESES AND A CASH BAR. USERS WITHOUT CORRECT CHANGE WILL BE FLOGGED WITH FIREWIRE CABLES AGAIN.

AFTER THE RECEPTION, USERS FOUND TO HAVE BEEN EXPOSED TO WINDOWS WILL BE SENT FOR FURTHER INDOCTRINATION IN THE EDUCATION MARKET WHERE THEY WILL BE FORCED TO MAINTAIN IBOOKS FOR GRADE SCHOOLERS UNTIL THEY EXPRESS BOUNDLESS FAITH IN OUR DEAR LEADER (PRAISE BE UNTO HIM!).

USERS NOT REPORTING TO THEIR DESIGNATED REPROGRAMMING CENTER MAY BE SUBJECT TO DIRECT INTERVENTION FROM THE REVOLUTIONARY MACINTOSH USERS GUARD.

57 Responses to “ATTENTION: ALL MAC USERS REPORT FOR REPROGRAMMING.”

  1. paul is dead says:

    ____ ____ sucks Paul Thurott’s ____.
    (___ __ _____ and _____ of crisp ____ ____ broadside ___ ___ a ____.)

  2. Computer Idiot says:

    OUR DEAR LEADER (PRAISE BE UNTO HIM) IS A VEGAN, SO CHEESE WILL NOT BE AVAILABLE AT THE RECEPTION.

  3. g. says:

    nice PARANOIA reference.

  4. starmax4ever says:

    Boot into windows?
    Next thing you know,…..
    The US will invade foreign countries for no reason.

  5. starmax4ever says:

    Ive’ already been reprogrammed twice for my insolence.

  6. Walking Contradiction says:

    What about us poor losers who can’t afford the gas it would take to drive to the nearest reprogramming center (there isn’t one close to Santa Barbara, can you believe that???)? Oh yeah, the iPod subliminal thing. But what if we’re too poor for iPods too?

    Is there any way they can do something with my old desktop G3 running Jaguar? I don’t expect the old 512K has enough power to reprogram me subliminally, but maybe the old G3 does. I do have a Sonnet G4 upgrade chip in it you know. I’d think that our illustrious leader (PBUH!) could work this out.

    Oh baby … oh baby … yeah, that’s good … that feels so good … no, don’t stop … flog me some more with that firewire baby!!!

    Please don’t tell me I have to install Windoze to get flogged.

  7. trmadol says:

    I always have terrible trouble with comment-related plugins that require me to put some line in the comment loop; I can never seem to find the right spot. Can anyone tell me where I should put the php line in my comments loop? I haven not modified anything much, and I would be very grateful. Thanks!

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