Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I don’t really have a question, but I wanted to point out this great list of OS 9 rememberances.
A: OS 9 rememberances?
Q: You know, like rebuilding the desktop?
A: Ah, it’s a magical trip down memory lane!
Q: Speaking of memory, what about setting memory allocations for each application?
A: Good times! Or living in the constant fear that you’ll lock up and the app will take the whole system down with it?
Q: Mmm! Yes! Using OS 9 was quite bracing, wasn’t it? Like riding the old wooden roller coaster at a no-name theme park! But my favorite was the deep, unspoken fear that a Windows 95 just might actually be better.
A: Oh, my god, I thought it was just me! And how about how it felt exactly like undressing in the high school locker room and having everyone laugh at you each time you had tell someone you were a Mac user!?
Q: Right! Wait… what?
A: Uh… well… I heard some… other guys felt that way. I never had that happen to me… in high school…

Q: I read this week on your site that Apple General Counsel Nancy Heinen is gone and I was thinking it’d be a good time to initiate my lawsuit against Apple.
A: Ah! Strike them while they’re weakest.
Q: Exactly. The only problem is, I can’t decide on what to sue them for.
A: Well, I’m sure there are so many things… so many ways they’ve wronged you.
Q: Oh, there are. Right now I’m considering “Mighty Mouse infestation” or “MacBook Pro-induced crotch burn.” If neither of those fly, I’ve got basic “Mac addiction” as my backup.
A: Those are all good, but might I suggest “Apple Cinema Display envy”?
Q: I actually have an Apple Cinema Display, though.
A: Oh. What about “Titanium poisoning”?
Q: Darn the luck, I’m an iBook guy. “Trackpad finger chafing”?
A: Well, the last guy who tried suing for that had his case tossed out of court after he was shown to be a chronic masturbator.
Q: Oh. Huh. Well… how did they define “chronic”?
A: Uh… why don’t you just go with “Mac addiction”? I mean… defining “chronic masturbation” is probably not territory you want to get into on the stand.
Q: Phew! Not again! Not after my divorce hearing.
A: Over sharing, dude.

Q: Hey, I need a little help. I came into the new Apple Store in New York and…
A: Oh, my god! How is it?!
Q: It’s great. It’s big and, well, you see, it’s just that… well… that… I’m lost.
A: Oh. You got lost in the Apple Store?
Q: Uh… yeah. I took a wrong turn around the theater and ended up in this hall of mirrors. I got kind of turned around I think. It was kind of disorienting. But I broke open one of the mirrors… I’m not sure if I was supposed to do that… but there was this tube so I jumped into it. It dumped me out in this gigantic room where there were stairs coming out of the walls and the ceiling and people were walking up and down them upside down. I tried yelling to them but they just turned and waved. That was kind of freaky. I managed to make it out of there by ducking into this wardrobe, though, but that just led to a sylvan glen full of fauns and centaurs and, jeez, do you know how much fauns and centaurs smell?
A: Uh, no.
Q: Oh, my god. I’m like, “What did you roll in?” And they’re like, “What do you mean?” It was really awkward. Anyway, there was this rabbit hole, so I crawled into that and…
A: Wait, wait, wait. Where are you now?
Q: I’m not completely sure but I think I’m just coming out of a black hole somewhere on the far edge of the universe.
A: Damn. You get good cell reception.
Q: I can see quasars.
A: Uh… I think this is a little beyond me. Let me get the Entity.
Q: That’d probably be good. And could you hurry? I’ve gotta pee like a racehorse.