19 May 06Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: I don’t really have a question, but I wanted to point out this great list of OS 9 rememberances.
A: OS 9 rememberances?
Q: You know, like rebuilding the desktop?
A: Ah, it’s a magical trip down memory lane!
Q: Speaking of memory, what about setting memory allocations for each application?
A: Good times! Or living in the constant fear that you’ll lock up and the app will take the whole system down with it?
Q: Mmm! Yes! Using OS 9 was quite bracing, wasn’t it? Like riding the old wooden roller coaster at a no-name theme park! But my favorite was the deep, unspoken fear that a Windows 95 just might actually be better.
A: Oh, my god, I thought it was just me! And how about how it felt exactly like undressing in the high school locker room and having everyone laugh at you each time you had tell someone you were a Mac user!?
Q: Right! Wait… what?
A: Uh… well… I heard some… other guys felt that way. I never had that happen to me… in high school…

Q: I read this week on your site that Apple General Counsel Nancy Heinen is gone and I was thinking it’d be a good time to initiate my lawsuit against Apple.
A: Ah! Strike them while they’re weakest.
Q: Exactly. The only problem is, I can’t decide on what to sue them for.
A: Well, I’m sure there are so many things… so many ways they’ve wronged you.
Q: Oh, there are. Right now I’m considering “Mighty Mouse infestation” or “MacBook Pro-induced crotch burn.” If neither of those fly, I’ve got basic “Mac addiction” as my backup.
A: Those are all good, but might I suggest “Apple Cinema Display envy”?
Q: I actually have an Apple Cinema Display, though.
A: Oh. What about “Titanium poisoning”?
Q: Darn the luck, I’m an iBook guy. “Trackpad finger chafing”?
A: Well, the last guy who tried suing for that had his case tossed out of court after he was shown to be a chronic masturbator.
Q: Oh. Huh. Well… how did they define “chronic”?
A: Uh… why don’t you just go with “Mac addiction”? I mean… defining “chronic masturbation” is probably not territory you want to get into on the stand.
Q: Phew! Not again! Not after my divorce hearing.
A: Over sharing, dude.

Q: Hey, I need a little help. I came into the new Apple Store in New York and…
A: Oh, my god! How is it?!
Q: It’s great. It’s big and, well, you see, it’s just that… well… that… I’m lost.
A: Oh. You got lost in the Apple Store?
Q: Uh… yeah. I took a wrong turn around the theater and ended up in this hall of mirrors. I got kind of turned around I think. It was kind of disorienting. But I broke open one of the mirrors… I’m not sure if I was supposed to do that… but there was this tube so I jumped into it. It dumped me out in this gigantic room where there were stairs coming out of the walls and the ceiling and people were walking up and down them upside down. I tried yelling to them but they just turned and waved. That was kind of freaky. I managed to make it out of there by ducking into this wardrobe, though, but that just led to a sylvan glen full of fauns and centaurs and, jeez, do you know how much fauns and centaurs smell?
A: Uh, no.
Q: Oh, my god. I’m like, “What did you roll in?” And they’re like, “What do you mean?” It was really awkward. Anyway, there was this rabbit hole, so I crawled into that and…
A: Wait, wait, wait. Where are you now?
Q: I’m not completely sure but I think I’m just coming out of a black hole somewhere on the far edge of the universe.
A: Damn. You get good cell reception.
Q: I can see quasars.
A: Uh… I think this is a little beyond me. Let me get the Entity.
Q: That’d probably be good. And could you hurry? I’ve gotta pee like a racehorse.

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. arcsine says:


    Reverse order … called it.

  2. Israel says:

    First. Now no one else can post 🙂

  3. Psyko says:

    Seems early…


  4. John Moltz says:

    I magically break your evil binding! Be free, comments! Be free!

    [This is not a guarantee of free comments. The management reserves the right to charge for comments at any time.]

  5. Israel says:

    Nooooooo!!!! And on my first post to this site to!

  6. Holger says:

    never underestimate me, i´ll be back… one day at the top…

  7. comacnut says:

    Chronic masturbation, pee like a race horse, penis envy. You managed to mention the mail member in each question. So John what’s really on your mind tonight.

  8. Wesley says:

    Have you masturbated for the eighth time this week?

  9. John Moltz says:

    “The mail member”? I categorically deny I have a postal fixation.

  10. Ace Deuce says:

    Hey! Women can pee like a racehorse too! Why must you assume that caller number three is male, because he got lost in an Apple store and wouldn’t ask for directions?

  11. Wesley says:

    Windows 95 pwns.

  12. John Moltz says:

    Here’s your answer, poster #8.

  13. Huh? says:

    THAT was funny John. My Pants™ are still in the corner laughing.
    I don’t recall you commenting on this many post in the past, John…

    Nothing to do on a Friday night?



  14. Nxxx says:

    Is that John in his John form posting or is he in Britney mode? In duo personality, dual sex cases like Mr./ Mrs./Ms. Moltz/Spears, does self stimulation cause pregnancy?
    Now THAT is a real question for the help desk.

  15. GordonC says:

    fizz buzz

  16. A Priest, A Rabbi, and a Dairy Queen Employee says:

    Don’t forget the “rabbit hole”. I think we know what he was…hey look, a puppie!

  17. NWJR says:

    Every time you masturbate, someone files an Apple lawsuit.

  18. And another thing.... says:

    Over-sharing?? Must be a west-coast kind of term. Me, I prefer the TMI moniker when I get notices about “chafing”……

  19. John Moltz says:

    “Every time you masturbate, someone files an Apple lawsuit.”

    That would explain why Nancy quit. How could you keep up with THAT?

  20. GordonC says:

    Shouldn’t that be “Every time someone files an Apple lawsuit, Steve Ballmer masturbates.”

  21. Mr. Shivers says:

    The guy asking the third question seems like he was a bit confused when he started. Apple’s new store doesn’t have a theater. Maybe he was in the SoHo store. Although I can’t imagine why, it’s four years old!

  22. Jon says:

    Isn’t titanium non-toxic?

  23. Psyko says:

    Hey, I just realized that I got the ever coveted zero.
    The most amazing part is that I got it RIGHT before Moltz freed the comments from their ever-decreasing doom



  24. Michael Dell says:

    he broke a mirror haha thats funnee

  25. Anonymous says:

    the apple store has no theater 🙁

  26. Saikou Yuden says:

    I understand that when one is alone out on the very fringe of the universe itself–and has to “pee like a racehorse”–that it’s okay to just cut-loose with it.

    I mean, who’s gonna know?

  27. Psyko says:

    He will, and is all that matters.


  28. John Moltz says:

    Look, you people bitching that “dah Appa stoa don’t gots no teeahtah!” are clearly not familiar with the concept of the “No prize” as pioneered by Marvel Comics.

    Here’s how it’s done:

    “Ah! There is no theater in the new Apple Store! So that’s probably where his magical journey began!”

    C’mon, people!

  29. Nxxx says:

    Young Johnny, or is it Britney today?
    Shakespeare said ‘all the world is a stage’, so why not Apple Stores?

  30. UhhhDude says:

    We have pictures of the secret room!

  31. Matt says:

    I love this website – but recently all the text is centred.

    This is awful – all I ask is for left aligned (or second preference justified).

  32. Psyko says:

    Centered on PCs, not Macs.


  33. Hrunga Zmuda says:

    Please, PEE like a racehorse? Who are you kidding?

    We all know where such language leads youg man. I’ve got some soap for your nasty, filthy, grungy little mouth.

    Neutrogena or Dial?

    Mamma Moltz

  34. Anonymous says:

    So Moltz is discriminating against PC users now by screwing up the text alignment?

  35. J0n says:

    Since the third caller was out by the far edge of the universe, did he happen to find any fresh galactic pie?

  36. Psyko says:

    BTW, this site is not PSP friendly.



  37. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Um, not centered for PeeSeas but for PeeSeas that are ‘running’ EyeEEEEeeeee. I’m using FireFox on the PeeSea at work and it looks fine. When view with EyeEEEeeeee 7(beta) it is centered and ugly as sin.

    I love it.

    Good work Moltz. Keep it up, Britney. No, not that, stuff that doesn’t work with… Oh never mind.

  38. John Moltz says:

    OK, there’s a small problem with the main index that’s causing it to come out centered on , strangely, IE and older version of Safari. Masako’s aware of the issue and will get to it once she defuses the bomb in the break room.

    Yeah, there’s a… bomb in the break room.


    Oh. I’m sorry, I’m being told she’s eating a bomb pop in the break room. Once she’s done iwth that she’ll get right on this thing for PC users and folks who *just won’t* upgrade.

  39. TwoHeadedBoy says:

    I had a dream last night.

    I’ve forgotten most of it, but part of it was that I read that CARS was closing until April while John got ‘refurbished’.

    Also, I swear to God, there were sexbots.

    I think…I…should probably stop coming here.

  40. xule says:


  41. xule says:


  42. I\’m not a commenter to blogs in general, but your article on Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk. really caught my eye. I had been looking for information on Horse Pregnancy Stage on Ask.com, and was intrigued by the link to here. Good job!