Responding to the controversy over four screws on the sides of the recently released MacBook that a number of sites are reporting are “useless” and “purely for cosmetic purposes” Apple issued a dire warning today.
“Do not, under any circumstances remove those screws!” a concerned head of Mac Hardware Engineering Peter Mehring said.
“Just… just don’t. OK? Seriously. You don’t need to do that. I mean, why… why would you want to do that? There’s no reason. None at all. So don’t.”
Visibly agitated, Mehring would not, however, explain why users should not attempt to remove the screws.
Far from quelling the controversy, Apple’s warning has only served to fuel the fire. Speculation is now raging over what the screws are for and what would be the result of removing them.
A report on AppleInsider claims that one user who removed the screws was spit out of this universe like a watermelon seed. A posting on Apple’s support forum speculated that the screws house an as-yet unused slot like the iMac’s Mezzanine slot, but this one being a “nuclear slot with, like, nuclear powers and radiation and stuff.”
But by far the most disturbing clue was found in what is purported to be an Apple technical note entitled “Periodic Maintenance of Quantum Screws on an Apple MacBook.”
According to this document, forwarded to Crazy Apple Rumors Site by sources in the know, the entire MacBook line was designed to create a quantum net intended to maintain the fragile fabric of the space/time continuum. Apple apparently picked up the contract for maintaining the space/time continuum when a company in the Argolis Cluster that previously did the work went out of business.
Physicists were dubious of the prospect.
“The space/time continuum doesn’t need maintenance,” said Dr. Russell Springer of the Jet Propulsion Laboratories. “It just is.”
Pausing to reconsider, Springer added, “Still… probably better if you don’t futz with those screws.”