18 May 06Apple Issues Warning On MacBook Screws.

Responding to the controversy over four screws on the sides of the recently released MacBook that a number of sites are reporting are “useless” and “purely for cosmetic purposes” Apple issued a dire warning today.

“Do not, under any circumstances remove those screws!” a concerned head of Mac Hardware Engineering Peter Mehring said.

“Just… just don’t. OK? Seriously. You don’t need to do that. I mean, why… why would you want to do that? There’s no reason. None at all. So don’t.”

Visibly agitated, Mehring would not, however, explain why users should not attempt to remove the screws.

Far from quelling the controversy, Apple’s warning has only served to fuel the fire. Speculation is now raging over what the screws are for and what would be the result of removing them.

A report on AppleInsider claims that one user who removed the screws was spit out of this universe like a watermelon seed. A posting on Apple’s support forum speculated that the screws house an as-yet unused slot like the iMac’s Mezzanine slot, but this one being a “nuclear slot with, like, nuclear powers and radiation and stuff.”

But by far the most disturbing clue was found in what is purported to be an Apple technical note entitled “Periodic Maintenance of Quantum Screws on an Apple MacBook.”

According to this document, forwarded to Crazy Apple Rumors Site by sources in the know, the entire MacBook line was designed to create a quantum net intended to maintain the fragile fabric of the space/time continuum. Apple apparently picked up the contract for maintaining the space/time continuum when a company in the Argolis Cluster that previously did the work went out of business.

Physicists were dubious of the prospect.

“The space/time continuum doesn’t need maintenance,” said Dr. Russell Springer of the Jet Propulsion Laboratories. “It just is.”

Pausing to reconsider, Springer added, “Still… probably better if you don’t futz with those screws.”

No Responses to “Apple Issues Warning On MacBook Screws.”

  1. Nxxx says:

    Nice one MacGrudder, even if you are late but so am I.

    Who the hell is the Moltzster?

  2. Vxx says:

    2 or something low…maybe removing the crews will spit the unknowing into the heart of the cosmic “cube” which is clearly apple’s attempt at its own stargate

  3. Carl says:

    I hope tomorrow’s story will be about the glossy screen. I liked today’s story just fine, I’m just saying. Glossy screen? What up wit dat?

  4. Huh? says:

    Screws?!? pfft! My Pants™ laugh at screws…

    Now, messing with the History Eraser Button… Now THAT’S dangerous.

    NO ONE can resist the button. The shiny, candy apple red button.
    The big… red… button…. becoking to you even now!!!!
    Can you resist its seductive, GLOSSY surface?
    Whatever happens, DON’T press the button!!!

  5. Streetrabbit says:

    I refute AppleInsider’s claim that “only Apple would affix two screws to the left side of the computer”

    Twenty five years ago I affixed two screws to the side of a Commodore PET.

  6. arcsine says:

    AppleInsider ee-diots…

    those two screws on the left side are the mounting points for the Mac Phone cradle.

    cause it charges via firewire 400, and you sync it via USB 2.0, so you kinda like have to put it somewhere.

    And when you’re not syncing or charging, the cradle serves as the ‘right click’ button all the kids are crying for.

  7. 2000guitars says:

    ha ha

    “futz”

    that’s a funny word.

    Say it with me

    futz futz futz

    hehe

  8. Ace Deuce says:

    Which screws? You mean these little things here? Oh, wait… O my god!

  9. Louise says:

    futz… futz…

    No, doesn’t seem to hold the same effect for me. I actually feel a little malicious.

    And those screws look so much more tempting if you tell me not to futz around with them.

  10. The Invisible Evil Boy's Choir says:

    FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ!
    FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ!
    FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ!
    FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ! FUTZ!

  11. Nxxx says:

    The Invisible Evil Boy’s Choir,
    Your usual high standard of posting BUT could you please indicate the key of your performance, so that 2000 Guitars and I can accompany you, or is it a cappella?

  12. UhhhDude says:

    The two screws on the Black MacBook Evil CHTUHLU version, if futzed with, will take you to an alternate dimension where you’re surrounded by Steve Ballmer clones.

    Dancing.

    Naked.

    And don’t ask me how I know.

  13. Typo says:

    I think it’s pretty obvious that the screws are holding teh satellite in place.

  14. Abe Lincolnlogski says:

    But are the screws glossy???

    Check out how to make a glossy screw:
    http://www.stealthdesignz.com/index2.php?page=photoshop/screw

  15. Slowpoke says:

    reminds me of that flash game ‘Don’t shoot the puppy!’ Good times, good times.

  16. CTHULHU says:

    ON CURRENT PRODUCTS, THE SCREWS ARE JUST FOR SHOW! ONCE YOU PUNY MORTALS ARE LULLED INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY, THE SIGNATURE EDITION WHICH I HAVE PREVIOUSLY MENTIONED SHALL BE RELEASED!! ON THAT VERSION, THE SCREWS WILL SERVE THEIR TRUE FUNCTION!!!

    SOME WILL MISTAKENLY CLAIM THAT THESE SCREWS PREVENT “SOMETHING” FROM ESCAPING!!!!! FOOLS!!!!!!! IT IS WELL KNOWN THAT YOU MONKEYS WILL NOT BE ABLE TO RESIST REMOVING THESE SCREWS, AND THUS ALLOW THE UNSPEAKABLE HORROR WITHIN THE CHASSIS ACCESS TO THE UNIVERSE AT LARGE!!!!!!!!!!!

    IT’S A FEATURE, NOT A BUG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  17. NWJR says:

    But what if I have a screw loose?

  18. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Once again CARS missed the real story. Screws. P-shaw! Did you not catch this: “heat-staked feet that are designed not to fall off. In fact, you can’t remove them if you try.”

    The hell does “heat-stacked” mean and do you really want that done to your feet? And, no, my feet cannot be removed and yes I have tried and not they’re not “heat-stacked” what-ever-the-hell-that-means.

    Come on Moltz, I know that morning sickness can be a bummer but how can you miss this rumor worthy item?

    Tell Kevin we said hey.

  19. Ahnyer Keester says:

    By the way, huh?, you forgot to moo.

  20. Walking Contradiction says:

    I want the new MacBook Amateur in Evil so I can remove these screws and unleash unspeakable evil upon the entirety of existence.

    That would be so totally wicked. Yes, I’ve made up my mind. Watch out. When the demons arrive to rape your soul, don’t put up a fight. They like that too much.

  21. Well, I was going to say “we’re screwed.” But I guess that would be meaningless.

    I’ll moo for huh?

    Moo

  22. Dave says:

    It’s…full of stars!

  23. […] Alors voila, Apple a inventé les vis “esthétiques”. “Hein quoi ? mais quoi tu dis ?” Comme vu sur AppleInsider et sur CrazyAppleRumors, le Macbook fraichement sorti comporte deux vis qui ne sont pas “fonctionnelles” mais bien purement esthétiques. En voici la preuve 🙂 […]

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