Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today, Crazy Apple Help Desk helps Apple executives with their problems!

APPLE CEO STEVE JOBS: It’s Steve. Let’s do this thing.
A: Steve. Steve. Steve.
JOBS: Look, I don’t even know why I’m calling you. There’s nothing wrong with me. I’m sure there’s something wrong with you, but there’s nothing wrong with me.
A: Steve, Steve, Steve. “Nothing wrong” with you? Nothing?
JOBS: Well… maybe… maybe one thing.
A: Mmm-hmm. Let it out.
JOBS: It’s just… it seems that, I’ve had people tell me that… I… I…
A: C’mon, Steve. You can do it. Open up.
JOBS: I might be addicted to firing people.
A: There. There! You said it! You took the first step on a journey of recovery. Was that so hard?
JOBS: [sigh] Whew! Feels good. Feels… powerful. Although, everything I do feels powerful.
A: Uh, yes. But the next step is to begin a 12-step program toward recovery. You’ll never be fully over it. You’ll always be a firer. But through the program you’ll learn to say “No. Today I will not fire anyone. Today I choose not to fire anyone.”
JOBS: Hmm. Well, you know what? I don’t really want to do that.
A: Um, well, Steve…
JOBS: That’s my thing. That’s what I do. It’s a great motivational tool.
A: Steve. Steve. It’s tearing you apart and everyone you love!
JOBS: … No it isn’t.
A: Oh. Uh… well then. Carry on.
JOBS: Wait… how did you get on my schedule for today?
A: I’d rather not say.

CHIEF FINANCIAL OFFICER PETER OPPENHEIMER: I have a problem I hope you can help me with.
A: Well, that’s what we’re here for.
OPPENHEIMER: It’s embarrassing…
A: No, no. We all need help from time to time. What’s your problem?
OPPENHEIMER: I… I love too much.
A: Love too much?
OPPENHEIMER: Love too much.
A: Love too much.
OPPENHEIMER: Mmm. Too much. Too much love. I do it too much. I overdo it on the love.
A: Too much. You love too much.
OPPENHEIMER: Mmm. I do. I mean… who knew that not everyone likes long hugs?
A: Long hugs? That’s how you love too much?
A: Well… how long do you hug people?
OPPENHEIMER: Well, I… I don’t know. Twenty, thirty minutes.
A: Twenty or thirty minutes?
OPPENHEIMER: Is that… is that too long?
A: Pff! No! You go right back out there and keep hugging people for… twenty or thirty minutes! There’s nothing wrong with that!
OPPENHEIMER: Well, that’s what I thought!
A: You’re not the one with the problem. They’re the ones with the problem.
OPPENHEIMER: You know, it’s nice to hear that from someone else! Give me a hug!
A: Oh… uh… no, um… I don’t… uh… well… um… you’ve got me now…
OPPENHEIMER: See, isn’t this nice?
A: Uh… did you… happen to see what time it was when you started hugging me… ’cause… I’ve got a dentist appointment…

CHIEF OPERATING OFFICER TIM COOK: Uh, yeah, I hate to tell you this, but that wasn’t Peter Oppenheimer.
A: What?
COOK: Yeah, apparently there’s been someone going around impersonating Peter.
A: Uh, so any idea who he is?
COOK: Just some big sweaty lunk who likes to hug people.
A: Wow. But wait a minute. Then why did he kept whispering monthly iPod inventory levels in my ear?
COOK: Oh. Huh. Well, maybe it was Peter…

30 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Were Oppenheimer an attractive woman, I don’t think people would have such a problem with those hugs. Steve needs to either do some of his trademark firing or send him to to the fire to be reborn as a sexbot goddess incarnate. That’s pheonix allegory for all of you confused blokes out there.

  2. It’s nice to see customer service branching off into counseling for the users. “Sounds like obsessive-compulsive disorder, have you tried rebooting?”

  3. Apple execs are so…in touch with their inner selves. Nice. It’s why Macs are the way they are, I guess. Huggable. Powerful.
    And eleven. Huggable.

  4. My screen didn’t come on the other day, so I rebooted and it worked.

    I bet if you could reboot humans it solve most problems. Manic Depressive – reboot. Homicidal Maniac – reboot (carefully). Schizophrenic – reboot (several times). Amnesia – reboot (and reset the PRAM). For all other disorders boot up into OpenFirmware, and type in ‘reset-all’, and reset the nvram, that’ll surely do it…

  5. Typo fixed. At least one of them, anyway. It’s a good thing we were still in the office partying at 3 am.

  6. If Jobs keeps firing everyone then eventually it’ll just be him. One man can’t run a company the size of Apple so it’s obvious he’s devouring souls.

  7. My Pants™ would like to give everybody a great big hug.

    Personally… I wouldn’t let them.
    They’ve been… um… bad lately.

    Just don’t tell Steve, he’ll probably fire them.


  8. 12 steps…
    why does it always be so long…

    By the way, I thought about a joke with “to fire so” and “to be drunk”, that was kind of funny.
    Too bad I forgot it.

  9. Wow, I don’t think any of the posts in the top 10 made any sense whatsoever. Of course, that’s no real surprise…

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