07 Jul 06Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Q: My iMac recently had a hard drive crash and I’ve been trying to get my data back. I went to the Apple Store the other day to talk to the Genius and I got all this grief for not backing up. I’m trying to solve my existing problem and he’s all gettin’ up in my grill and…
A: Oh, no, no, no. Dude. Dude. No one says “gettin’ up in my grill” anymore.
Q: What? Oh. Really? I thought that was phat phresh.
A: No. And neither is that.
Q: Oh. OK, then, Hammertime, what are people saying when someone gets in their face?
A: “That bitch thinks she can use my toothbrush.”
Q: What?
A: “That bitch thinks she can use my toothbrush!”
Q: You’ve gotta be kidding.
A: No. See, when you’re at the Apple Store and the Genius is riding you for not backing up, you wait until he walks off and you turn to the customer next to you, roll your eyes and say – really loudly – “That bitch thinks she can use my toothbrush!”
A: Even if it’s a dude?
A: Oh, especially if it’s a dude.
Q: Well… I’m not saying that.
A: Or, if he’s standing right in front of you, you yell as loudly as you can, “BITCH! You think you can use my toothbrush?!”
Q: That doesn’t mean anything!
A: Look, I don’t make these up. I’m just telling you that this is what the kids are saying.
Q: The kids on crack maybe.
A: Oh, dude, the kids aren’t doing crack anymore. They’re all freebasing Strontium 38.
Q: …
A: …
Q: Do you have any idea what you’re talking about?
A: Dude, don’t come whining to me because the kids are all calling you Chester because you’re not freebasing Strontium 38 and yelling “That bitch thinks she can use my toothbrush!”

Q: I have an Intel Core Solo Mac mini that I’m trying to get Windows XP running on. I’ve successfully formatted it for dual-boot with Boot Camp, but I’m having trouble configuring the Windows drivers for my Dell monitor. The system gets hung up when…
A: Whoa, whoa, whoa, there cowboy. We don’t do Windows here.
Q: What? But this is a Mac mini.
A: Well, yeah, but your conflict is between Windows XP and your Dell monitor.
Q: But it’s on a Mac mini.
A: But that’s like having your car break down on a bridge and calling a construction engineer instead of a tow truck.
Q: W-what? No, my problem is on a Mac! A Mac mini! Not a bridge!
A: That… that was an analogy.
Q: Are you going to fix my Mac mini or not?!
A: I don’t think there’s anything wrong with your mini.
Q: But my monitor doesn’t work! It hangs the system!
A: Is there someone else I could talk to there?
Q: Uh, well my dog is here.
A: Put him on.
Q: Rarf?
A: What the hell is the matter with him?!
Q: Rarf-rarf!
A: I know! How do you stand it?!
Q: Rafr-rarf! Rrow-row-row-row-row!
A: I dunno man. Have you thought about just running away?

Q: Well, surely you’ll take Ubuntu questions.
A: Ubuntu?! Of course! Ubuntu!
Q: OK. Well, I recently converted to Ubuntu from OS X and installed it on my Intel-based iMac.
A: Of course you did! Ubuntu!
Q: Uh… yeah. Well, anyway, I’ve been having some problems getting sleep to activate. I think there are some settings I can alter to specifically tell Ubuntu what…
A: Ha-ha! Ubuntu!
Q: Uh… well, see, I’m having some trouble…
A: Ah, but is it not always such between men and the operating system they love?! The operating system known as Ubuntu?!
Q: … got this configuration issue…
A: Oooh! Ubuntu is harsh mistress, is she not?! At once terrible and lovely! All worship her!
Q: Um… do you have any experience with Ubuntu at all?
A: Ah-ha-ha-ha! Ahhhhh…. uh… no. Not in the least.
Q: Yeah. I was starting to get that.
A: I just think it’s really fun to say. Ubuntu!

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Overclocked Lemon says:

    Frost pist!

    Are we still doing that?

  2. Mykie says:

    I never do this, but TWO!

  3. Overclocked Lemon says:

    Uh, Ubuntu!


  4. John Moltz says:

    There’s something strange about that bagel…

    Is it the refresh rate?

    Hmm… no…

  5. Nxxx says:

    Funfn or something

  6. Nxxx says:

    Having now read the Help Desk, has anyone any objections to me claiming seventh and eleventh.

  7. Huh? says:

    Well, my Pants™ don’t mind, but everyone else on the planet will do everything we can to stop you.

  8. UhhhDude says:

    Hey! Who used my toothbrush?

    (Whoever it was, they left Stronthium-38 particles all over it.)

    In other news, I received my Umbutu CDs in the mail; however, my friend also received some ballet dancewear with her CDs. While she thinks this is just some shipping error on Umbutu’s part, I only have this to say: “I want my Umbutu tutu too!”

    Thank you! I’ll be here till Tuesday….

  9. UhhhDude says:

    Setting up for…

  10. Ace Deuce says:


    Well, I sometimes run Windows XP on a virtual machine on my G5 on a wooden desk, and once when the numeric keypad wasn’t working, I called the furniture company and they said they couldn’t help me because I hadn’t purchased the extended warranty when I bought the desk.

    But they would have totally helped me if I had.

  11. Garrett says:

    Hey, don’t knock Ubuntu too hard… It’s quite nice and easy to dual boot Ubuntu PPC on a Mac with OSeX.

    Say, does that make my Mac a Lesbian?

  12. Buthidae says:

    Garrett, if you can’t get your Mac out of the closet by this point, then it’s going to have a difficult and confused life.

    Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to chalk up for Sr-38 – freebasing’s for chumps!

  13. His Steveness says:

    Ubuntu suxx, my Ponies don´t like it.

  14. Anonymous says:

    Isotopes are named by their mass number, not their atomic number. The atomic number of Strontium (any isotope) is 38. Typical mass numbers are Strontium-88 (which is the most abundant naturally occurring isotope) and Strontium-90 (found in nuclear fallout, dangerous radioactive isotope). There is no such isotope as Strontium-38.

  15. Exactly what I was thinking. Though, we must not exclude the possibility of Moltz referring to an extremely unstable lump of protons and neutrons.

  16. scared monster says:

    Never heard about code-names?
    Like…er…ubuntu, or else?
    You didn’t really think Mr Moltz was really talking about Ubuntu?
    It’s a secret plan to over…
    Ok, let’s say I said nothing.

  17. John Moltz says:

    I knew Strontium 38 wasn’t right.

    God damn kids!

  18. Ficko says:

    Damn. I thought my bicycle frame was made of Strontium 90. Obviously can’t be but it’s nice not to have to use lights at night.

  19. Ace Deuce says:

    The generic term for the substance, when freebasing any isotope of anything, is isodope.

    Specifically when the isodope is radioactive, it’s called “tick,” probably in reference to the classic Geiger counter sound. For example, Iran might say, “I just scored some tick.”

    A downside to snorting plutonium is that it’s impossible to not overdose; the smallest amount is fatal.

  20. Colonel Panic says:

    Groovy! I just gave the man some of my bread and he gave me a toke of his Strontium-38 (and it ain’t no isotope, can you dig it baby?)

  21. A priest, a rabbi, and a a bowel movement from the elder gods says:

    “At once terrible and lovely! All worship her!”

    I felt like I was right there with Froto in the woods with a freaked out OS having been logged in as super user.

    I really need to get out more often.

  22. The Mole from the Ministry says:

    Strontium? Free-basing? Bitches using toothbrushes? Sounds like a conspiracy!

    MI6 will be hearing about this.

  23. OMGHAX says:

    “You think you can use my tootbrush!?”

    What’s a tootbrush?

  24. OMGHAX says:

    Oh and once I ate what I thought was a calcium supplement, but it was really Strontium-90.

  25. PC Labs Test Engineer-38 mcse says:

    Jurst testes firfox 2 spilchucker.

    Hey! Testes is a word!

  26. NWJR says:

    I have an OMG PONIES!!!!!! screensaver on my Ubuntu operating sytem on my Mac Mini. My question is: Can it be purple instead of pink?

  27. Joe 90 says:

    Now I’m confused.

    Mac said BIG RAT would make me a real boy, could it be I’m just an isotope?

  28. Walking Contradiction says:


    Kewl, let me do that again …


    I’ve been looking for an OS to replace my evil XP and was thinking Debian, just because I already have that on another machine in the house. But I have to admit, Debian doesn’t have the same ring to it as … Ubuntu!!

    Where was I going again? Oh yeah, Ace Deuce gave us this insightful tidbit …

    “A downside to snorting plutonium is that it’s impossible to not overdose; the smallest amount is fatal.”

    True, but the high you get for those last moments of your life is uncomparable to anything else. Not even Drano can touch that high!

  29. chrisndeca says:

    I think the kids are freebasing the ashes of those who have snorted Ubuntu!

  30. […] For his part, MaxHax0r was unconcerned about Jobs’ opinion, stating something in Finnish about Jobs that, when translated literally, comes out to “That female cur believes she can avail herself of my teeth cleaning device.” Posted by CARS Staff at 10:37 pm |   | Link […]

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