06 Jul 06Microsoft Planning iPod Killer.

According to numerous reports today, Microsoft – after failing with third-party hardware vendors – is set to release an iPod killer of its own for the holiday shopping season.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources indicate the device will be called the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player.

The Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player will come with a stunning new feature: the ability to download songs wirelessly. This feature is certain to leapfrog the iPod provided that time stands still between now and Christmas.

Microsoft has also implemented an easy-to-use system for downloading music to the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player. Crazy Apple Rumors Site has obtained an advanced copy of the instructions for the new device:

  1. To download a song, click on the Start menu on your Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player.
  2. Navigate to Programs then Connectivity.
  3. Find the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Authentication Setup Wizard and launch it.
  4. Call the Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Authentication Activation Hotline. Please be prepared to provide the serial number of your Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player, your credit card number, your social security number, Pete Rose’s on-base percentage for 1973 expressed in hexadecimal, and the 15000 KB representation of your personal genome.
  5. Type the 128-character code you receive from the certified Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Authentication Activation Hotline specialist into your Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player using the optional full-sized keyboard. If you did not purchase the optional full-sized keyboard, use the Microsoft Scroll Panel to select the appropriate ASCII character code for each of the 128 characters in your activation code and enter it using the Microsoft ASCII Character Selection Button, found right next to the Microsoft Unicode Character Selection Input Actuator in the lower left section of the section of buttons reserved for inputting character codes. If your thumb cramps up, please ask a friend to finish entry for you. Entry must be completed in 30 seconds or the code is invalidated and you need to start over.
  6. Congratulations! Once activation has been achieved, you’re ready to start the process of moving toward the process before the process where you’ll be able to download your first song! From the Start menu…

It pretty much goes on like that.

Also, near the end, the company warns that it can delete your music at any time if it thinks your Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Music Download Authentication Code is invalid or “has too many threes.” The company, apparently, does not like threes.

After users have successfully navigated Microsoft’s easy-to-use system and have reached the company’s music store, they will find a myriad of exciting music, TV shows and movies that have all been DRM-ed up the ass.

One beta tester for the product indicated that the song he was listening to was so DRM-laden that it had become distorted.

“It sounds like some sort of nonsensical throaty warbling. It doesn’t even sound like music anymore.”

The source paused, looking down at the confusing mash of items displayed on the screen of his Microsoft Windows Media Player 11 Portable Media Player Device Media Player Media Player Media Player.

“Oh, wait. I think this is just Creed.”

To date Apple has not expressed any concern over Microsoft’s repeated attempts to kill the iPod, unless yawning loudly is how some people express concern.

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