01 Aug 06Jobs' Younger Brother Passionate About Kia Sales.

According to sources, Apple CEO Steve Jobs’ younger brother Randy is “really excited” about the 2007 line of Kia automobiles.

A senior sales rep at Joe Kerley Lincoln Mercury Jeep Kia, Randy Jobs is a passionate advocate of the Kia line who reportedly generates sales using his patented “reality distortion field.”

Jobs was characteristically cool about his sales acumen.

“I think we’re having fun. I think our customers really like our products. And we’re always trying to do better.”

Speaking to Ted and Martha Luchasi of Sunnyvale and their children Aaron and Madison, the younger Jobs smiled and said “We think you’re going to love the new Kias.

“And here’s why…”

Jobs listed the Sedona’s five-star crash safety rating as well as the Sorento’s sturdy ladder frame construction before taking the Luchasis on a test drive and demonstrating the car’s numerous features.

After the test drive, Jobs was joined by sales assistant Bob Schiller who performed a Sedona vs. Toyota Sienna bake-off.

Before retiring to the sales lounge at Joe Kerley Lincoln Mercury Jeep Kia to check with his manager on pricing, Randy Jobs paused, putting his hands together in a steeple with the tips of his index fingers on his lips.

“Oh, and one more thing…” he said to the Luchasis, pausing for dramatic effect.

“We offer the undercoating protection on all 2007 Kias… absolutely free.”

When contacted for this story, Apple refused to admit that Steve Jobs has a younger brother.

35 Responses to “Jobs' Younger Brother Passionate About Kia Sales.”

  1. Stranger says:

    Newbie takes first!

  2. Buthidae says:

    2nd? No way!

  3. Buthidae says:

    My dogs undercoating smells worse than my iPod Socks

  4. Stranger says:

    Better to be lucky than skillfull…

  5. joey lange says:

    FIVE

    heh. funny.

  6. Ace Deuce says:

    Randy Jobs has the top sales for the quarter. He’s kind of a perfectionist — he’s been known to have a car detailed twice.

  7. Ventzi says:

    7!

    Impala?!?

    meow

  8. CarbonRing says:

    8?

    Hey, this is fun. I thought it was silly to make a continuing party out of being one of the first ten posts, but now that I’m in the game, I understand the excitment. Wow! I need to take a nap now.

  9. Nxxx says:

    Apple breakthrough. Free undercoating on Mac minis.

    What do you mean, why?

  10. Nitya says:

    Uh-oh another newbie in top 10!

  11. Bob the wrecker says:

    Bob wants to be in top ten too… boohoo. And which of you ponies undercoated my tootbrush?

  12. Could it be 12?

    Sorry, but I just asked my Printer(tm) and we’re both in agreement–unless it is a truck, we’re not interested.

    That still doesn’t explain why I have a Mac mini.

  13. Don says:

    I live near the beach. Should I get rust proofing on my new Mac Book Pro? And what about tints to cut down on the glare? Got a feeling the laptop is going to cost me much more than what Randy originally lt on!

    Can you install Red Hat Linux on a Kia??

  14. vitamin fortified says:

    Yoo hoo. 14th AND a newbie. Does the pony come with 5 year powertrain and can you put spinner rims on a Macbook?

  15. Tom says:

    Randy Jobs. Hah!

  16. kramer says:

    Of course, the KIA Sedona’s on-board navigation system runs on Ubuntu . . .

  17. Streetrabbit says:

    This is funny.

    An elephant being chased by a chimp driving a clown car is funnier though.

  18. A Priest, a Rabbi, and a crazy mom who drowns her children says:

    The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And forced sodomy, which is probably even worse.
    …and maybe a bagel running Ubuntu

  19. Good Photoshop and I like the way you snuck Shiller in there. But, isn’t he Canadian? Did his younger brother emigrate also?

  20. Reality Distortion Field? WHAT Reality Distorion Field? says:

    I thought this was a rumors site about technical abilities and advances. We no need no stinkin’ Kias. We want Reality Distortion Fields, and we want them now! What I want to know is, can Randy get me a good deal on them?!!?

  21. Reality Distortion Field? WHAT Reality Distorion Field? says:

    I thought this was a rumors site about technical abilities and advances. We no need no stinkin’ Kias. We want Reality Distortion Fields, and we want them now! What I want to know is, can Randy get me a good deal on them?!!?

  22. UhhhDude says:

    I’m just glad Randy finally cut off that mullet.

    Now, a little trim on the moustache, maybe a nice mock turtleneck…

    Seriously, though, even though the undercoating sounds like a good deal, those Kias always come from the factory way under-powered. Although I’ve heard that the guys in the Garage Bar offer several engine upgrades.

  23. J0n says:

    Don’s question about rust proofing his Mac Book Pro gave me an idea.

    To improve Apple’s ability to capture the commercial / industrial market, maybe Apple could come out with a “galvanized steel” Mac Book Pro model. To give it a more “industrial” look, the galvanized steel could be embossed to look like diamond plate. A laptop that looks at home on a factory workbench would just ooze “workplace suitable” (and there are much worse things to ooze than that!).

  24. Step says:

    11th! Yeah, booyah! Eat that, Randy.

    heheh, randy….

  25. Del says:

    I think they should offer anodized MacBook Pros. I mean if you are working with clowns you might as well have a purple computer.

  26. NWJR says:

    How many ponies does it have under the hood?

    OMG PONIES!

  27. Ace Deuce says:

    Make sure you purchase the extended warranty when you get a Reality Distortion Field. They sometimes crash at the worst time, like just before you’ve finished your pitch to a venture capitalist.

    And some unscrupulous dealers will sell you one that only distorts on one side, so that you have to keep showing your left profile all the time — man, that’s such a pain!

  28. Gag Halfrunt says:

    Oh yeah, nineteen, baby!

    Nice, primo prime number.

  29. comacnut says:

    I’m happy to see that Randy’s reality distortion field doesn’t have the broadcast power of his older brother’s. My neighbors wouldn’t appreciate a dozen or so of those shity ass cars sitting in my driveway. Plus they totally give a way my secret hiding place. Gorto would be sure to find me with 12 Kia’s in my yard.

  30. Thomas says:

    Following a demonstration of iGulp ’06 – the new, ultra-deep cupholder system now shipping with every Kia Optima – Jobs paused to reflectively muse, “This is why we do what we do.”

    http://cars.about.com/od/kia/ig/2006-5-Kia-Optima-LX/Kia-Optima-LX-cupholders.htm

  31. Colonel Panic says:

    >>Free undercoating on Mac minis.

    But what REALLY BUGS ME is if this undercoating is so important, why don’t they include it on ALL Macs?? I always got free undercoating on my Apple IIGS!

  32. Innocent Bystander says:

    Randy Jobs has the top sales for the quarter. He’s kind of a perfectionist — he’s been known to have a car detailed twice.

    Definitely a perfectionist. One time I was watching him do a test drive and he couldn’t get the cruise control to work properly so he just threw the Kia at some service tech on the front curb. Just hucked it.

    Then he went right on to the next part of the test drive. Nothing stops him. I hear the dealership has pre-configured backup cars waiting just in case something doesn’t work in a test drive.

  33. Walking Contradiction says:

    Uh, …

    Isn’t Kia Korean for “crapola”? I guess that’s what the Reality Distortion Field is for.

    My monster 4X4 truck eats Kia’s for breakfast. In fact, so does my BICYCLE!

  34. Larry, Moe, and Curly Joe says:

    Correction: “Joe Kerley Lincoln Mercury Jeep Kia” is not the name of our dealership. It’s “Larry, Moe, and Curly Joe DeLorean Turner Dymaxion Schwinn Tonka Matchbox.”

  35. OMGHAX says:

    Snakes in a Kia!

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