02 Aug 06Kids Locked In Store At Apple Camp Turn To Cannibalism.

Shocking news has been slowly leaking out of Apple over the last few weeks that several youngsters attending Apple Camp resorted to cannibalism after being locked into the Manhattan Village, Calif., store accidentally.

Staff members were uncertain how it happened and why the children might have resorted to cannibalism so quickly.

Responding to a mall fire drill, Apple employees fled the store and locked the glass doors behind them, unaware the children had been left behind.

“They were only in there for fifteen minutes!” said a distraught store manager Lilly Holden. “I just don’t know how you can consume a 75-pound 9-year-old in that amount of time.”

According to Holden, the 12 children had been playing at the iMacs in the back of the store the last she had seen them.

“They were working on their own GarageBand songs,” she said. “I guess I should have suspected something was already going wrong before the fire alarm when it started to sound like the Carmina Burana back there.”

Behavioral psychologist Robert Reedman said that the line between human and animal is thin and that isolation from society – no matter how brief – can often tear down the facade of civilization.

“Personally,” Reedman said, “I can’t ride up one floor in an elevator without having to ‘mark my territory’, if you know what I mean.

Adjusting his pants, Reedman added, “But that’s just the way I roll.”

CEO Steve Jobs placed a personal call to the parents of the consumed child expressing his condolences and offering them a free iPod nano.

No Responses to “Kids Locked In Store At Apple Camp Turn To Cannibalism.”

  1. jurgen says:

    Delicious first!

  2. CarbonRing says:

    5! Wow, this is thrilling. Now I’m going to have to try for the gold.

  3. Piggy says:

    Ffft. This is just like that movie, Lord of the Fireflies.

  4. Nitya says:

    Lucky 7—yayyyyyyyyy!

  5. Nitya says:

    Meanwhile over at xlr8yourmac this very important call for help from Mike:

    Request for Info from Sawtooth owners with ATX Pwr Supply Swap Mod – A reader with a Dual CPU upgraded original “Sawtooth” (first model G4/AGP tower) is looking for a higher rated power supply than the stock 204W that shipped in that model and asked what ATX power supplies (in the 400W or better range) readers are using that performed the Sawtooth ATX Pwr Supply conversion. If you’ve done this mod/swap in your Sawtooth, let me know what supply you’re using. Thanks. (I sold my sawtooth many years ago, last supplies I bought were Antec and Enermax models, which are likely discontinued now.) Although any should work for the mod, he preferred to hear from current sawtooth owners on what they had bought recently.
    Update – several readers replied with specific supplies they’d used (with mods shown).

    * Enermax EG651P-VE
    * Rosewill RE502-SLV (500W)
    * Sumvision KY-500ATX (400W)
    * Super Flower 450W SF-450TS (now discontinued by mfr)

    Again the above is just examples of what readers have used for the mod. One reminder also is to check the orientation/location of the PS’s fan(s) when installed in the Mac’s case and double check pinouts when doing the mod. There’s thousands of Pwr Supply dealers on the web but if you’d rather buy locally, most electronics chain stores also carry PC/ATX supplies (although selection will be very limited typically and cost more). The Systems page here also has several Mac to ATX/Case conversions from owners of many mac models (G4s, G3s, iMacs, etc.) including a 20 drive bay ‘Cube’ server case, some custom case creations and a Dual P.S. ATX Case Conversion. (The Systems page has other Mac Pwr Supply related articles also.)

    Please help Mike find better power supplies for these seven year old Mac’s. And oh yeah I’ve got a Mac Classic and I need that hack for loading boot camp if anybody can help.

    And a big 8!

  6. Bob the wrecker says:

    Bob is number 9. And now some pony b*tch used my razor!

  7. 2000guitars says:

    Leventh. The Whole Package™

  8. 2000guitars says:

    10 is the new 11

  9. Nxxx says:

    Which part of Carmina Burana was Lilly Holden referring to? It takes longer than fifteen minutes to perform. Maybe she was referring to Carmen Miranda.
    Anyone got a good recipe for nine year olds?

  10. Modrak says:

    How come I’m always 13 ?

  11. Streetrabbit says:

    Wait. So all I have to do is get my kids eaten in an Apple Store and I’ll get a free iPod Nano.


  12. Ace Deuce says:

    Tastes Like Chicken

    Lay your hands on one free-range nine-year-old, plucked with tweezers if desired. Place in warm water until wrinkly. Lay out to dry on paper towels by the fireplace.

    Mix a half pound of mustard and red curry powder with mortar and pestle. Fold in olive oil until you get the consistency of honey.

    Put nine-year-old on kitchen floor and slather with spicy goop.

    When the nine-year-old wakes up and looks at you weird, run from the kitchen, shouting “What have I done? What was I thinking?!” and bang your head against front step until senseless.

    Serve with a green salad and a dry white wine.

  13. Nxxx says:

    You have a very sick mind.

  14. Nxxx says:

    You have a very sick mind.

  15. T says:

    Does steve jobs read this blog?
    Because it’s funny as hellll !

  16. A Priest, a Rabbi, and a vegan cannibal says:

    You can keep the leftover childflesh warm for hours on an overturned Macbook Pro.

    I also have a scrumptious recipe for Children Cordonbleu, but preparation takes a while and some of the ingredients may not be readily available inside an Apple Store (which is why I keep them handily stored in my fanny pack).


  17. UhhhDude says:

    Anybody have the recipe for Kentucky Fried Children? ‘Cause I looove those eleven herbs and spices.

  18. Long time abuser says:

    Long lines of parents with child and pot in hand are forming in front of Apple Stores worldwide.

  19. vitamin fortified says:

    A little late posting. Was slow roasting a 9 year-old on a 4 mackbook grid burner and had to keep restarting one due to kernal panics. Watch out for that left thigh, may be a little tough. BTW, do ponies prefer an Australian white or California white?

  20. blank says:

    None of this would happen if modern kids weren’t so porky.

    Mmmm, porky…

  21. Mr. Dirk says:

    The kids pulled the fire alarm, didn’t they?

  22. Del says:

    Ponies prefer beer to wine. They like grains better than fruit.

  23. Str8 & Narrow says:

    Ponies should not be drinking either beer or wine. Underage consumption of intoxicants is not permitted.

  24. sipher says:

    I’ll admit I’m rather new to this site, but what’s with the childish I-got-here-first posts? If you get 10 in a month, do you get a free toaster? What gives? I’m sure many of you will wonder why I bother to read the comments, if it bothers me so much. And you’re right, so most of the time I don’t bother. But I really enjoy the blog, it’s very clever and funny. Kudos to the author, sorry the comments are so lame.

  25. comacnut says:

    “Ponies should not be drinking either beer or wine. Underage consumption of intoxicants is not permitted.”

    How do you know the pony is underage? That’s like saying that midgets can’t drink, and let me tell you those little guys can drink.

  26. UhhhDude says:

    “If you get 10 in a month, do you get a free toaster?”

    Actually, you get a Mini Cooper, although that may be just Moltz pulling a fast one on us.

    You’re new to blogging, aren’t you….

  27. Crown Princess Mary of Denmark says:

    Just try it sipher. Tomorrow about 10pm pst, start hitting refresh. Once the new post arrives you try to type but your fingers just can’t find the keys, some have been known to faint from the excitement.

    I’ve tried every high there is, let me tell you nothing compares.

  28. monkeys says:

    Yes. Thirty…



  29. 2000guitars says:

    To be safe, better start hitting refresh about 9:30 pm pst. Never know, Moltz might get home early from his carousing and slip us one…

  30. A Priest, a Rabbi, and a lemur with something to live for says:

    sipher, don’t even think about using my toothbrush!

  31. emma says:

    not sure about all this ’34th’ crap but if you don’t stop putting black text with drop shadow for your headlines i’ll put your testicles in a blender!!!


  32. A Priest, a Rabbi, and an overzealous meth head says:

    I’m calling for a pre-emptive 1st for tonight’s post!

  33. Typo180 says:

    b-but I’ve got the conch!

  34. NWJR says:

    If Apple had provided ponies at that camp–all good camps should have ponies–the kids could have eaten them rather than each other!

    Shame on Apple.

  35. Hil-fugging-larious!

    Did I spell that right?

  36. sipher says:

    Not new to blogging, I’ve seen plenty of sites where the overwhelming juvenile impulse is to be “first” to post. I just don’t get it. I don’t post much, only when I have something to contribute. I’d much rather only read posts that pertain to the article, not slog through a bunch of firsts, seconds, thirds and so on.

    Good luck with the free mini Cooper.

  37. Jizzmaster Zero Squared says:

    TFA mentioned Pants™ and nobody even mentioned it! I am ashamed and apalled.

  38. PANTS(tm)!

    There, now somebody’s mentioned it. (And I was going to do that from the moment I saw it in the post.)

    Hopefully the parents won’t eat the iPod.

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