25 Aug 06Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

As we come to a close on Security Bitch Watch – Week 1, we’ll take some questions on the whole controversy from you, our faithful readers.


Q: If you happen to see someone using a third party card, is it ethical to tap into their MacBook using this hack?
A: No! Not at all! I mean, you wouldn’t use their toothbrush would you?
Q: No. Well… no. But, I mean, what if you suspected they might have lesbian ninja porn on their hard drive?
A: Dude…
Q: Well, I just… I’m trying to… just trying to figure out the etiquette…
A: Dude, if you suspect they have lesbian ninja porn on their hard drive, you grab the laptop and run like hell.
Q: Oh.
A: To my house.
Q: Uh… right.


Q: I have a MacBook that I’m trying to initiate the SecureWorks Wifi hack from but I’m having some trouble. I try sticking the cigarette into my eye, but find that my eyelid descends at the last minute to block it. Any tips for keeping your eye open?
A: I’ve found those things they used on Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange work really well, but Chet swears you can get the same results from ordinary toothpicks. At any rate, if you just keep at it, you’re likely to burn right through your eyelid and that’ll get the job done.
Q: And, refresh my memory… how does this help me wirelessly hack something?
A: Uh… actually, I think it’s supposed to help make your Mac more secure. Or something. To be frank, I’m kind of confused on that point.
Q: Gosh. There’s so much I don’t understand about computer security.
A: It is complicated. I guess that’s why we need the help of professionals.
Q: Mmm-hmm.


Q: I know the whole Mac universe is up in arms about this whole thing, but I’m just not seeing it. Why should I care about this?
A: Wha-why should you care?! Oh, I don’t know. Maybe you like having your eye burned out with a cigarette.
Q: C’mon, they apologized for that.
A: That’s so nice! All is forgiven! Now if I could just see out of my left eye…
Q: Oh, stop it. Look, there’s a very real chance they may actually have a hack of Airport. Why heap so much shit on them? It’s just another case of the Mac community run amok.
A: Yeah, well, if someone decides they’re going to kick a hornet’s nest, I don’t have a lot of sympathy when they go crying to their momma – or George Ou – when they get stung.
Q: Well, I guess that’s a good point.
A: Oh, and you know what else?
Q: You’re kind of worked up over this.
A: Let me just make this other point…
Q: No. No. It’s OK, dude.
A: No! NO! It’s NOT OK! See, what I was going to say is that…
Q: I’ll just… let myself out…

No Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. comacnut says:

    Uno!

  2. Toast says:

    Seconded

  3. Ace Raider says:

    Twee

  4. Nxxx says:

    Mac security is easy. I keep mine locked in the safe.

    Okay who nicked the safe? I’ve got my toothbrush in there.

  5. Huh? says:

    Wow! Real questions…. kinda.
    First almost respectable journalism, now a helpful help desk.

    John?
    You feeling ok?
    Just checking.

    Pants™® go moo.

  6. CarbonRing says:

    Sixth! Hot of the presses!

  7. 2000guitars says:

    Exactly, Huh.

    Huh?

    hmmmm

    huh

    Package™® (of doom)

  8. Ace Deuce says:

    My G5 is totally secure. I don’t use Wi-Fi, I never connect to the internet, and I certainly don’t frequent web sites where deranged people post comments at all hours.

    The main reason my Mac is secure is that it’s still in the box. At least I was told it is in there… I never really looked. Would looking void the warranty? What if Schrodinger’s cat is in there?

  9. Ventzi says:

    I’ve ordered a take-apart manual for my iBook and I’m going to take it’s security in my own hands!
    I’m gonna tear off that freakin’ AirPort card straight away and from that point on use whatever USB Wi-Fi bla bla comes in my way!

    Q: Wait, wasn’t exactly the USB bla bla bla the problem?
    A: I don’t care! I’ll get rid of this seamlessly working secure AirPort card, ’cause I can’t stand it anymore to be able to just open the lid of the iBook and start working. It’s so annoying when there are no problems to worry about…

    …whatever…

    meow

  10. Mason says:

    Eleventeenth!

  11. Buthidae says:

    Friday Dozeneth!

  12. Buthidae says:

    It was worth taking the day off work for that.

  13. Carl says:

    Woohoo! My question made it into CARS!! This is the greatest day of my life! And I’ve totally had sex before, so it’s not like I’ve had some kind of lame life with no highlights! But now! Whooboy! Now, I’ll have something worth sharing with my bastard child!!

  14. YOU says:

    Can’t post today, my powerbookbatteries are exploding.

  15. scared monster says:

    My iBook is safe.
    I mean, it was until the battery blazed the house apart.

    Now, I don’t know, firemen are arguing with Apple legals to know if they can stop the fire, or if watering it would “void the warranty”.

    Hope the kids are allright…

  16. UhhhDude says:

    Still on fricking DIAL-UP, still not caring.

    Why won’t anybody pay attention to me?

  17. scared monster says:

    You REALLY want an answer to THAT ?

  18. NWJR says:

    Where the hell are the singing PONIES?

  19. OMGHAX says:

    I was robbed of my dearest first revision iMac G5 out of my own home not a few days ago. I guess my house wasn’t properly secured. But what I want to know is, how do you put WPA2 Personal encryption on a door? Like the real kind.

  20. MechaJesus says:

    The Home Alone movies should have an answer to that.

  21. The Invisible says:

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  22. mordecai says:

    Don’t you mean DWARF lesbian ninja porn?

  23. Werner Waimarana says:

    Ace Deuce, if the cat’s alive and the G5’s missing… shoot the cat.

    Then leave it for the next existentialist to take the rap for.

  24. Joe says:

    It’s getting even better. You should check our George Ou’s blogs on ZDNet. Among the latest:

    1. George claims that ‘a few is 1-3 and a couple is 4-9’ (I have one wife, I guess that means I can brag about having a few wives. OTOH, since we’re a couple, where are the rest of us?). As defense for his position, he quotes a definition that says a couple is synonmyous with a few. Therefore, George has proven that 1-3 equals 4-9.

    2. Apparently tiring of having Mac users mop the floor with him, he just started a new thread about how Centrino owners are vulnerable. Why single out Centrino users?

    3. He claims that SecureWorks demonstrated the exact same flaw on Apple hardware as their public demonstration. Later, he claims that they were different exploits. Therefore, George has proven that ‘same’ equals ‘different’.

    4. George claims that OS X uses FreeBSD kernel. After someone pointed out that it actually uses Mach, he said that they’re the same thing. 

    5. George claims that Mac users started a vicious, orchestrated assault – and can’t provide any evidence of THAT, either (his super-secret lawyer won’t let him, I guess.

    Lots more good stuff. The only remaining question is why ZDnet hasn’t gotten rid of him. Presumably because he’s protected by the ADA for his paranoid schizophrenia.

  25. J0n says:

    Why would the American Dental Association protect him? (And what do they care about paranoid schizophrenia?)

    They’re afraid someone might kick his teeth out? They’re concerned that someone might use his toothbrush?

    (I think “Not Likely” is the answer to both….)

  26. Joe says:

    Assuming you’re serious (which is a dangerous assumption around here), ‘ADA’ as I used it is the Americans with Disabilities Act which protects people who have various types of disabilities. George clearly has some pretty major mental problems, so he’s probably protected by that law.

  27. Don of Doom says:

    Joe, I think J0n was just using your toothbrush actually. 😉

  28. Huh? says:

    Would adding an extra ‘of Doom’ to one’s name present an enhanced feeling of despair in others?
    How’s this:
    Huh? of Doom of DOOM!

    mmm…..

    maybe not.

    moo (so say the Pants™®)

  29. J0n says:

    Actually, I don’t use ANYBODY else’s toothbrush.

    However, I do enjoy yanking people’s chains, now and again (like above).

    🙂

  30. joe says:

    My bad. That’s what I get for thinking about something other than dwarf lesbian ninja port..

  31. Fdail says:

    Not bad, it really can occur

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