Apple Spokesperson Makes Startling Security Revelations.

When asked to comment on the recent Security Bitch Watch controvery (now concluding day 8!), the usually inscrutable Apple spokesperson Lynn Fox made several telling comments about the state of Mac security.

Many hours have been spent poring over Fox’s comments of a week ago Friday and whether or not they represent an outright refutal of SecureWorks claims or are just so much PR speak. Indeed, many of Fox’s comments in today’s interview might have gone unnoticed by less seasoned reporters.

Fox began by reiterating the company’s statement that SecureWorks has not presented Apple with any evidence that the Airport firmware and software supplied with the MacBook is suceptible to the attack shown in their video demonstration.

She added, however that “What surprises us is that Maynor and Ellch completely missed the massive security flaw in our Bluetooth stack.

“For instance,” Fox said, “Simply pairing a Bluetooth headset with Mac OS X for Intel causes the system to turn on remote access, remove the root password, and erase several key user-data files.

“And don’t get me started on USB,” she said, her words slurring.

“I don’t even want to talk about USB. Listen, if you mention USB, I’m going to hit you so hard you won’t even remember that plugging in a camera to a USB connection on the Mac automatically sends browser caches to the NSA.”

Fox stopped to take a slug from a small, opaque bottle she carried with her.

“Now, I’m not going to talk at all about the TCP/IP problems. Not all. So I won’t even explain that attempting to connect to AppleShare over IP with the user name ‘sjobs’ exposes the entire contents of all attached drives, all networked drives with stored passwords, and initiates password cracking against all computers on the ISP’s attached network.

“No, sirree,” Fox said, slumping quietly to the floor. “No, sirree.”

Apple declined to comment for this story, shortly after Fox passed out.

35 thoughts on “Apple Spokesperson Makes Startling Security Revelations.”

  1. My Pants™® are surprised that no one has mentioned the keyboard flaw.
    Anyone, and I mean ANYONE, with access can mess with your computer.

    Unless it’s unplugged. Or you have an active password. Or you happen to bludgeon them with a rubber chicken…

    moo (so sayeth the Pants™®)

  2. Someone totally used her toothbrush and soaked it in Tequila, before quietly returning it to her toothbrush holder!

  3. No John, the quality we have come to expect and demand from CARS is still definitely shining through in this latest piece of art. I actually laughed a couple of times when reading it.

    Mind you, I also have been known to laugh during episodes of Funniest Home Videos……

  4. True story:

    I just deleted several spam comments that said “Turkey porn.”

    I suspect they were talking about the country, but I guess we’ll never know now.

  5. What’s going on? Where is everyone? If they don’t hurry up they are not even going to get into the top ten!

    Only myself, Huh? and John have even bothered to log in tonight.

    Unless of course everyone else’s machine has been hacked to death with a bluetooth toothbrush! OMG!

  6. What was a slug doing in Lynn Fox’s opaque bottle?

    No wonder she fainted.

    I would’ve fainted too if I found a slug in my opaque bottle.

    Slugs only belong in clear crystal bottles, the opaque bottles are for your toothbrush.

  7. I’m so frightened of Security Breaches that I’ve turned my Mac off.

    It still works.

    OMG another fatal flaw.

  8. Funny, I had heard that Lynn Fox was quite scrutable, not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  9. Sounds like you’re starting to get over this imbroglio, at least a little bit. Maybe a nice walk along the river, dinner with a BSD user, then later some cheap tequila and table dancing, and in the morning Security Bitch Watch will be forgotten like the silly media chimera it always was.

  10. I plugged in my USB toothbrush and all my turkey porn was sent to my lesbian ninja neighbor. Go figure.

    1. brent May 13, 2010 I say, drop No.1, you will always see your omeciefatfs, like everyday. So,magsasawa ka din sa mukha nila. You might get lost though on the chika with them when they get back to work but hey, it should be worth it considering you’ll see Mimay again.

  11. Shouldn’t ‘chimera’ be spelt chimæra, after all we are a superior Mac community.

  12. Possible Video Titles:

    Turkey Porn: Doin’ It On the Dinner Table

    Turkey Porn: For a Tantric Thanksgiving

    Turkey Porn: New Uses for the Baster

    Turkey Porn: Cornbread Stuffing Never Tasted so Good

    Turkey Porn: It’s Trypto-Fantastic!

  13. I’m pretty sure the slug went on to use Fox’s toothbrush. You’d pass out too, I bet.

    But I’m pretty much over the whole Security Bitch Watch thing. Right now, I’m pissed about Pluto! Who do those IAU people think they are, anyway? They’re not the boss of me! If I want to call something a planet, that’s my own damn business. Pluto is a Planet. Planet, planet, planet! So there!

    Is the Entity going to do something about this, or not? That’s my CARS question for the day.

  14. Just a note I actually used the toothbrush line twice in everyday conversation this past weekend. I kept talking like nothing was out of the ordinary and it was a normal every day phrase. No one called me on it though I did get a couple of strange looks. Since people are terrified to claim ignorance of terms I’m wondering if they might start using it to look cool.

    Quick someone get a Wiki reference. That makes it real 🙂 then everyone would have to use the term.

  15. YES! Thank you, Del! Your efforts to support the promotion of “That bitch thinks she can use my toothbrush” as an everyday phrase have not gone unnoticed!

  16. Ummm, yeah… My wife wasn’t too keen on my usage of “the bitch thinks she can use my toothbrush” when
    I was referring to her mother. 🙂

  17. Hey Dell. I know what you mean….I have also started using the toothbrush line, sometimes without even thinking about it. A few of my co-workers who heard it actually seemed to understand what I was talking about. Hopefully they have also added it to their vocabulary. I starts small people, but soon the whole world will know the CARS name – and bow down in fear. Ha ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaa!

  18. Their not bowing down, their bending over because they just through up a little in their mouths. But I too have been trying to spread our nonsense to others but so far have had only strange looks and mumbles.

  19. We need Jobs to use that line in his next keynote, but it may take a little persuasion.

    Ugluk can hit him with something heavy, Chet ties him up, and John can threaten him with a lit cigarette or a slice of hot crispy bacon. mmmmmm, bacon. Del can rewrite his keynote using the phrase at least 3 times. The Entity can go out for frappucinos.

    I’ll make the bacon just in case. mmmmm, bacon.

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