26 Sep 06Stories We're Not Working On.

No story tonight as after a long, warm summer in Tacoma it’s time to clean the Crazy Apple Rumors Site barbecue grill and get it ready for winter. But here’s a list of stories we’re not working on. So don’t look forward to these stories in the future.

Because we’re not working on them.

  • Phil Schiller Drops a Grand on Hockey Pucks.
  • Apple Opening Retail Store in Menasha Wisconsin in The Middle of a Row of Derelict Store Fronts.
  • George Ou Cuts Himself Shaving, Blames Apple.
  • iTV Motherboard Based On Something Vaguely Familiar But I Can’t Quite Place It… Is It Max Ehrmann’s “The Desiderata of Happiness”? No! It’s Langston Hughes’ Poem “Mother to Son”!
  • Brown Zune Kinda Smells Funny.
  • Jobs Fires Cat.

    They just didn’t seem worth it.

    No Responses to “Stories We're Not Working On.”

    1. Stranger says:

      First with no story…

    2. Todd says:

      Does the brown Zune smell funny “ha ha” or funny “yeesh”?

      Oh wait, nevermind, you’re not doing that story. Carry on.

    3. Whoa, As the Comment Turns II…!

    4. Never mind. Stupid comment trickery.

      Speaking of trickery. Hmm…brown Zune funnee…that’s a good idea…I’ll be back later.

    5. Ace Deuce says:

      Articles I’m not commenting on: see above.

    6. vitamin fortified says:

      And I was so “pins and needles” anxious to know what type of cat was fired. And was it because the cat used a Mac Mini as it personal litter box or was it found coughing up hairballs vaguely formed like the iPhone?

    7. Nxxx says:

      Phil Schiller drops a Grand on Hockey Pucks?
      Where the people downstairs complaining about Phil’s rendition of Cage’s 4 minutes 33?
      Surely he realises that dropping a Grand will ruin it?
      John, you must continue with this story.

    8. comacnut says:

      Who the hell is Cat and why did Jobs use his/her toothbrush? And if your not covering George Ou Cuts Himself Shaving, Blames Apple then you need to get your head out of your ass.

    9. 2000guitars says:



    10. Sudo Nym says:

      “Jobs Fires Cat” is news like “Dog Bites Man” is news. Jobs firing someone is an everyday occurrence, and is not news.

      In addition, you should fire Frank Sinatra of 1960 as your headline writer, because the use of slang in headlines is unprofessional, and sometimes confusing. It’s just not cool, man.

    11. nameless norman says:

      nameless norman reads wordless writing in absent articles

    12. NWJR says:

      Actually, George Ou blamed Apple for designing a defective razor, but failed to specify which of the six (yes! Count’em! SIX) blades contained the flaw.

    13. Ahnyer Keester says:

      Yea, I gotta agree. Those do seem like lame stories, thanks for not covering them. And keep up the good…uh…not work?

    14. UhhhDude says:

      Too bad you’re not covering the Brown Zune non-story. We need some good muck-raking journamalism up in here. You do have rakes for all this muck, don’t you?

      No? Then I’m Audi. Cuz it smells like someone died in here.

    15. DocWolfram says:

      I think that we need an unannounced walkout.

    16. Del says:

      It’s obvious why Jobs fired Cat. Apple only hires Ninja Kittens. Once they mature into Cats many lose the ability to defy the laws of physics and so Jobs fires them. Really how useful is a Ninja that can’t defy nature and use it’s toothbrush?

      I think Moltz isn’t writing this story because he doesn’t want to give fuel to the Cat’s age discrimination lawsuit that it recently brought against Apple.

    17. And another thing.... says:

      CARS has standards, yes they do!
      CARS has standards, how ’bout you?

      Just a little joke for those on the RSS feed….

    18. scared monster says:

      You are not quite right. Cats (former kittens) are build so they auto-combust at a certain age.
      And Jon M. doesn’t want to be sued by Rogue Lawyers With The Consciousness Of An Amoeba Coming From Cupertino for revealing it.
      In fact, Jon M. has a secret contract with these. You didn’t think the name was just a coincidence, did you ?

    19. TeVeTurtle says:

      CARS readers, I need your help:

      Escalator etiquette.

      Have you heard of it?

      What is it?

      Serious replies only. In triplicate.

      – tvt

    20. Ahnyer Keester says:

      What the heck, I have some time to kill so if Moltzy is too afraid to take a shot at these stories, well then I’m too stupid not to!!

      Brown Zune Kinda Smells Funny.

      Though not publicly released yet, reports are streaming in to the CARS headquarters that Microsoft’s new Zune contain an “undocumented feature”, as do most of Microsoft’s products. No only are they able to play and share music and videos, they can actually emit odors. Early adopter Howard Ruent of Michigan City, Indiana, who spoke with a CARS fill-in on the condition of anonymity, said, “This isn’t like some old fashioned scratch-n-sniff thing. I was listening to some Grateful Dead and it smelled like marijuana. Everyone on the bus kept looking at me. When Black Sabbath came on, it smelled like brimstone. I swear that wasn’t me!” Ruent insisted that his getting stoned and eating an entire bag pork rinds five minutes before boarding the bus had nothing to do with it. And, really, who are we to argue with anonymous sources?

      After a painstaking and diligent search of the first two pages of a Google search CARS found that the phenomena is not restricted to cities with confusing state names.
      Carol Pratzner, who couldn’t be reached for comment, said that her brown Zune player does have a funny smell. “When I unboxed it…by the way, I have 92 pictures of me unboxing it on my MySpace including an awesome animated GIF…anyway, when I unboxed it there was kind of a stench coming from box but I just figured it was the packaging. You know how sometimes it has a smell? My PEBL made my eyes water when I opened that box!”

      When asked if the odor lingered around the brown Zune after disposal of the packaging, Carol acknowledged that it did. “And do I get some looks! Like I can’t wipe or something…Oh my gosh, you are so NOT going to print that are you? Good.”

      Out of curiosity, we asked Carol about the music on her Zune. We’re unsure if there is a connection between the smell of the brown Zune and the amount of Christine Aguilera and and N*Sync on the digital device, but we’re betting there is.

    21. OMGHAX says:

      George Ou would cut himself, wouldn’t he? Fricken emo.

    22. Nxxx says:

      TeVe Turtle,
      Only urinate down the escalator.
      Only urinate down the escalator.
      Only urinate down the escalator.

    23. Del says:

      Cats combust? Are they made by sony?

    24. Sr.Matsui says:

      What’s an emo?

    25. Anomynous says:

      Isn’t it one of those really big birds that can’t fly?

    26. The Highly Esteemed YoYo says:

      No that’s Big Bird, Emo is the one in the trash can or something

    27. J0n says:

      No, that’s Oscar the Grouch in the trash can.

      Emo is the “Tickle Me” one.

    28. Rip Ragged says:

      If you say ubuntu a bunch of times really fast it sounds like, “buntubuntubuntu…” which reminds of a joke. You know, death by buntubuntu. Then Steve Ballmer’s face appears and I have to go chuck chow.

    29. Josiah says:

      holy f – i’m from menasha wisconsin about an hour south of green bay on lake winnebago – it’s nice but the downtown is shit no joke – weird. . .

    30. nameless norman says:

      nameless norman unposts last

    31. Anonymous says:

      hahaha, i am from menasha!!