27 Sep 06iPhone Details Revealed.

As is now widely known to be truth, Apple will reveal its iPhone at January’s Macworld, setting the cell phone market on its ear (no pun intended) as it did before to the markets for personal computers, digital music and sex with robots.

Think Secret reports that the iPhone will be Cingular-only for the first six months and that Apple expects to sell 25 million in the first year.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources confirmed Think Secret’s report and also learned the following:

  • The iPhone will come in silver, black and white, but not brown because that’s stupid. I mean, who would do that? Brown’s a horrible color for an electronic device. You’d have to be an idiot to try to… OK, I think I’ve made my point.
  • The device will also function as an iPod, with the ability to download music wirelessly. Cingular has not set pricing for download time, but the words “charge them up the ass” were used in several company documents.
  • Several times during the development of this deal, Cingular pushed for there to be a little kitty that walked you through the interface. Apple at first declined politely but, when Cingular kept pushing it, had to yell “NO! There isn’t going to be a stupid kitty! That’s stupid! Your idea is stupid! You’re stupid!” Then there was an uncomfortable silence before Apple apologized and said maybe there could be a kitty in there somewhere.
  • For some reason the iPhone is actually going to be the size of car battery.
  • Neat feature: instead of ringtones, smelltones. “Sniff-sniff. Is that bacon?” “Oh! I have a call!”
  • Optional snap-on faceplates make your iPhone feel like buttah.
  • Innovative design of hardware and software that works together seamlessly means your iPhone won’t suck donkey dick like all the other phones you’ve had.

    In related news, Apple is also rumored to be getting into the market for other premium products, such as HD TVs, olive oil misters and those fancy paper things you put on turkey legs.

    34 Responses to “iPhone Details Revealed.”

    1. croikle says:

      dude.. #1

    2. croikle says:

      I like the idea of smelltones…

      and I butter my phone already, thank you.

    3. comacnut says:

      And brown smells like pony pooh.

      3

    4. Ace Deuce says:

      Mmmh…turkey legs…

    5. Krabappel's son says:

      “Neat feature: instead of ringtones, smelltones.”

      That’s why the iPhone will come in brown.

    6. nameless norman says:

      nameless norman silently says singularly Cingular

    7. Nxxx says:

      Can’t be bacon, won’t sell to Jews, Muslims, Rastas etc., etc. Of more import, what is the colour of the kitty?

    8. vitamin fortified says:

      Eight, eight, eight.

      And what will the kitty smell like? I think Apple only added the kitty because Cingular said it would hold its breath until it turned blue.

      And will there be a line of products for when umm your phone, you know, doesn’t smell so, ummm “fresh”?

    9. Don says:

      Am I the only one who doesn’t think that sex with robots is normal?

    10. 2000guitars says:

      Try as I might, I can’t get my Motorola phone to suck donkey dick. It just refuses politely. It could possibly be intimidated by the size of the Package™®℠©℗ ????

      aaaaaaaaand setting up for

    11. Sudo Nym says:

      I’m thinking Apple fancy paper things you put on turkey legs will revolutionize the marketplace, like the iPod revolutionized the music thingy marketplace.

      Apple creates a whole ecosystem around their paradigm-shifting products. Already I’m positioning my company to make a killing selling a complete line of Apple fancy paper thing you put on turkey legs accessories.

    12. Ahnyer Keester says:

      Don, yes.

      When you get a phone call on the Apple fancy paper thing you put on turkey legs it injects butter into the turkey and flips your bacon.

      All that without the threat of a virus in your poultry or Spam.

      Apple. Cook Different.

    13. J0n says:

      Moltz:

      “No pun intended?!”

      Yeah, right.

      We know you better than that.

    14. NWJR says:

      Why in the name of all that’s holy would you put KITTENS in the damn thing when you can have PONIES!

      Pretty PINK PONIES.

      And Phil Schiller. He has to be in there somewhere.

      Mark my words.

    15. Donkey Honky says:

      Can I have a smelltone that smells like donkey dick?

    16. Jon says:

      Hook me up with one o’ ’em Apple iOliveOilMisters!

    17. Joe says:

      The problem with the iPhone is that the Sexbot is going to start using all your minutes on it…

    18. DocWolfram says:

      Twenty is 19 + 1.

    19. Huh? says:

      Actually the Smelltones™ are an unfortuneate side-effect of using Li-Ion batteries made by Sony.
      The bacon smell is your ass going up in flames along with the phone itself.

      moo (asbestos Pants™®)

    20. blank says:

      I’m still waiting for the “digital music and sex with robots” product mentioned in the article. I don’t think the video-enabled iPods quite fill the bill in that department.

    21. Anomynous says:

      Why would you even know what donkey dick smells like?

    22. OMGHAX says:

      How about the superl33t wifi haxxoring function?

    23. Jasonbot says:

      Hey, Instead of a kitty how about a dog-cow. It worked in the past! And if apple has exploding battery problem:D people will be flaming eachother over the phone/pod thingy?

    24. rwp says:

      I’m hoping that, for some reason, it will not be the weight of a car battery.

    25. The Damned Ghost Of Tookie says:

      I have to side (cide?) with Cingular here.

      I WANT THE KITTY, APPLE!

      • Roger says:

        To Whom It May Concern, This is to advise that the Hello Kitty GT Glitter Lamp was never reevecid by Miss Roxie Mcintosh in Denmark. Please advise if this item was sent as it was a gift for my grand-daughter for her birthday on the 29th March 2011. Sincerely Denise Mcintosh

    26. Chris says:

      “One! Singular sensation . . . every little step she takes.”

      Never understood why Cingular didn’t use that in a jingle.

    27. Ou! Ou! says:

      Why isn’t this article about George Ou!?

    28. monkeys says:

      I was happy only playing Snake and making calls. Now every phone has a truckful of crap on them and they invariably all suck in unison.

      So, Apple, make me a phone that won’t suck donkey, monkey, turkey and fish dick, please.

      Wait, does a fish have a dick?

      Whatever, just make the phone dammit. And no stupid frigging kitties.

    29. The Highly Esteemed YoYo says:

      I put those fancy paper things on chicken legs once, I don’t see why that makes me a sicko.

    30. Sudo Nym says:

      It doesn’t make you a sicko, YoYo.

      It just reveals your sickness to the rest of us. That’s all.

    31. Stupid Evil Cingular Marketing Dink's Choir says:

      KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY!
      KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY!
      KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY!
      KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY! KITTY!

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