Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

Today: products Apple hasn’t released!


Q: I have an Apple iPhone and I’m having trouble synching it with iTunes. The songs I buy on iTunes get put on the iPhone, but the songs that I wirelessly download to the iPhone don’t make it on to iTunes. I’ve tried…
A: Wait, wait… you have.. an iPhone?
Q: Uh, yeah. I said that. So, anyway, I can’t get it to…
A: But Apple hasn’t released an iPhone yet.
Q: Oh, yeah, I’m calling from the future. That’s one of the features. The ability to call anyone in time. Well, anyone in time that has a phone.
A: Wow. That’s amazing. So when are you calling from?
Q: May, 2007.
A: May, 2007? Well, why don’t you just call me then?
Q: Uh, well, I really shouldn’t say. Don’t want to disrupt the time stream.
A: S-say what?!
Q: Oh… well… OK. You know that party you’re going to tomorrow night?
A: Y-yeah?
Q: Don’t eat the salmon mousse.
Q: Oooh…


Q: I have an Apple iTablet and I’m having issues with OS X “Lite.” The “Lite” version of iPhoto isn’t able to handle all my pictures and the “Lite” version of iTunes makes my songs sound all tinny.
A: Wait, are you calling from the future?
Q: No. Why?
A: Well, it’s just that Apple hasn’t released an iTablet.
Q: Oh, yeah, I got tired of waiting for them to make one, so I made my own. It actually runs an OS based on Linux I coded myself and I cobbled the parts together. I can’t wait forever, you know.
A: Well, shouldn’t you be able to fix your problem, then?
Q: Yes, I could but that would kill the whole fantasy that it was released by Apple.
A: Mmm. You’re complicated, aren’t you.
Q: OK, if you don’t want to help me with the iTablet, how about the ultra-lite MacBook I made?
A: What’s the problem with that?
Q: Well, the real problem is it’s just a foam-core board mockup. It doesn’t do anything.
A: Uh… you’re really hoping for a response here, are you?
Q: Yeah.
A: Ookay… uh… have you tried rebooting?


Q: I have an Apple Newton and I’m trying to get it connected to the Internet. I have the ISP info all set up, but when I go into Newt’s Cape it doesn’t find any of the sites.
A: Wait, wait, wait. We’re taking questions about products Apple’s never released. They actually sold the Newton.
Q: Oh, yeah, I know that, but mine’s a micro color Newton with 2 GB of flash memory. It’s the size of a deck of cards.
A: Wow! Where did you get that?! Did you make it?
Q: Make it?! No! I found it in the dumpster behind One Infinite Loop eight years ago! There were hundreds of them!
A: Wait, you found it eight years ago and you’re only trying to get it on the Internet now?
Q: Oh, I was Amish.
A: Uh… huh.
Q: Yeah. I’m not anymore. Although I still like the beard.
A: Oh, it… looks good on you.

31 thoughts on “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. Reebooting a foam-core mockup… How absurd!

    Everyone knows he should try zapping the p-ram… Pffft.

    moo (no foam-core in these Pants™®, if you know what I mean!)

  2. Ubuntu iTablets!? What next? Land’s sake, John, these folks are off their rockers.

    Oh, and that guy calling over his iPhone was acually just using skype. On a Dell Inspiron.

  3. Please tell me Huh, why do your Pants™® moo? Are you wearing leather pants that are possessed with the ghost of the previous owner of the leather?

    I say “moo all in one 100% Air Jordan Shoes™® with flash based iPods in the souls… err.. I mean soles”. The only real problem with these shoes is that they seem to be stuck on one single playlist over and over again:
    These Boots Were Made for Walkin
    Every Step You Take (the Shoes™® keep renaming the Police song Every Breath You Take to this song name)
    Walk This Way
    Walking in Memphis
    I’m Walking
    Step in the Arena
    Step Back
    Steppin to the AM
    … and well you get the idea…
    And if I ever try to play “My Addidas” I have to stop, take off the shoes… and uh… re-boot… before I can get the iPod to work again. Weird eh?

    Oh and lastly, I would just like to set the under/over on how long it takes before there is a wireless based virus that “shares” itself between Zune’s at 3 seconds after the first one is sold at retail.

    moo Shoes™®

  4. 12

    I once got a call from the future. Found out I really shouldn’t by the rev A of the 8 core iPhone with 1 TB of Flash memory. Turns out those recall Sony batteries were found in a landfilled and ummm “repuopsed”

  5. This was definitely the best Crazy Rumor(TM) from before you renamed the site to Fudgesicles of Deuteronomy.

    Wait. That was not now. This is not then.

    Sorry to kill the surprise.

    Look just forget you ever heard this.

    OK?!?

  6. My brother the Calvinist told me he knows when the end is coming. I’ve asked him to let me know so I can update my calendar. If it’s going to conflict with my hair and pedicure appointment, I’ll have to reschedule. Can you imagine spending eternity needing a haircut? — Or eternity with a brown Zune all loaded up with Air Supply, The Doobie Brothers, and Leo Sayer’s Greatest Hits?

    The future isn’t what it used to be.

  7. As I vaacum-cleaned my house with my iHoov, I wondered where all these dirt parts were coming from.
    iCat in the iMicroWaveOve, again.
    Hellish kids.
    Have to reboot them.

  8. I glad you asked about the Pants™® and mooing.
    It isn’t actually the Pants™® making the sound of a cow. They just say ‘moo’.
    They do say other things, but when they’re done, they just say ‘moo’. It’s
    actually a bit disconcerting carrying on a conversation with one’s Pants™®, but hey, who
    am I to alienate my own clothes.
    The Pants™® do tell me to do things from time to time, and for the most part have been harmless.
    Except for that one time…. um…

    …nevermind.

    moo (Pants™® of intellect)

  9. Yeah, I got a call from the future once too–turned out to be from me. I let the answering machine get it. Those future people can be a bunch of smug jerks, especially when they’re you.

    “Hi, I’m calling from the future to tell you something you don’t know yet. So neener, neener, neener!”

    I screened the call and erased the message later. The jerk should have known I’d do that.

  10. Once, like, there was this guy, like, from the future and he, like, said he was me. Like, the future me. From the future. Like.
    I said, like OK, like if you’re future me then you, like, know what I’m going ot say next.
    He said: like… no idea.

  11. So if you hook up your iTablet with your iPhone and synch them both to your Newton what happens?
    Let me guess, you get a visit from a deamonic goat…

  12. Hey someone!! I have someone from the future on the line and they’re calling collect. Should I take it?

    Somebody?

    Anybody?

  13. Ahnyer, what if it’s you calling yourself? Could you afford NOT to answer?
    Think upon these things and ponder!
    Ooooooooo… Aaaaaaahhhh!!!

    Um…

    whatever… just hang up.

    moo (Pants™® with a calling card)

  14. I did what you said, Huh? and now I’m going to be pissed at myself tomorrow.

    I think I’ll get over it.

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