28 Sep 06No post.

As is now widely known to be truth, Apple will reveal its iPhone at January’s Macworld, setting the cell phone market on its ear (no pun intended) as it did before to the markets for personal computers, digital music and sex with robots.

Think Secret reports that the iPhone will be Cingular-only for the first six months and that Apple expects to sell 25 million in the first year.

Crazy Apple Rumors Site sources confirmed Think Secret’s report and also learned the following:

  • The iPhone will come in silver, black and white, but not brown because that’s stupid. I mean, who would do that? Brown’s a horrible color for an electronic device. You’d have to be an idiot to try to… OK, I think I’ve made my point.
  • The device will also function as an iPod, with the ability to download music wirelessly. Cingular has not set pricing for download time, but the words “charge them up the ass” were used in several company documents.
  • Several times during the development of this deal, Cingular pushed for there to be a little kitty that walked you through the interface. Apple at first declined politely but, when Cingular kept pushing it, had to yell “NO! There isn’t going to be a stupid kitty! That’s stupid! Your idea is stupid! You’re stupid!” Then there was an uncomfortable silence before Apple apologized and said maybe there could be a kitty in there somewhere.
  • For some reason the iPhone is actually going to be the size of car battery.
  • Neat feature: instead of ringtones, smelltones. “Sniff-sniff. Is that bacon?” “Oh! I have a call!”
  • Optional snap-on faceplates make your iPhone feel like buttah.
  • Innovative design of hardware and software that works together seamlessly means your iPhone won’t suck donkey dick like all the other phones you’ve had.

    In related news, Apple is also rumored to be getting into the market for other premium products, such as HD TVs, olive oil misters and those fancy paper things you put on turkey legs.
    Tonight was Apple source building night. There was beer and tequila and one Apple source stole a Red Bull from the waitress and then gave it back to her and we all had a good laugh.



    Uh, so…

    How was your night?

    No Responses to “No post.”

    1. Toast says:

      My night was great! But Red Bull tends to short out my new Apple iPhone.


    2. vitamin fortified says:

      Number 1!

      Hmm. My night, drinking red bull to stay awake to just say I am first. Could laugh at myself since the voices in my head are. Maybe I will go make some apple sauce.

    3. Nxxx says:

      Better than yours, I slept.

    4. Mr. 604 says:

      Server blew up. What’s sleep? Stupid Panther server. All night…

    5. Ace Raider says:

      OK, if you don’t want five I’ll take it.


    6. Toast says:

      I suppose in all fairness, it’s just a prototype iPhone, but it has so much personality that the Red Bull gives it wings instead of me!


    7. Ventzi says:

      Source-rers rejoice!

    8. Ventzi says:

      and 9th again!


      Is kinda morning here…

    9. disgruntled cynic says:

      How was my night? Lesseee…

      No beer
      No Tequila
      No Apple sources
      No Red Bull
      No waitress
      No laughs

      All in all, much lamer than yours. Thanks a pantload for askin’. Still it won’t be a total loss if my unordered list works. Here goes… I’m crossing my fingers and clicking “submit”…

    10. disgruntled cynic says:

      No bullets. Thanks. I did that just because I love typing “li” so much.

      I’m goin’ to bed.

    11. disgruntled cynic says:

      Ehhh. I did get 11th post at 11:11 pm. I can go to bed sanguine.

    12. Bob the wrecker says:


    13. Ace Deuce says:

      I can’t believe I stayed awake for this!

    14. Ex-Apple says:

      When I first read the article I thought “Apple source building night” meant that Apple was compiling their source tonight. Then I realized that probably was not the intended meaning. Man… I’m a geek.

      Tonight was 10-year, single malt Bushmills and rice-a-roni. Call me a health nut.

    15. Small Paul says:

      That is pretty awesome when you think about it because stealing any bull in a crowded bar is difficult let alone a red one.

    16. changingdays says:

      *Big smile* this makes good reading, night all 🙂 mmm and that “Bushmills” sounds good ….

    17. Fat Tony says:

      Who is this “Apple Source”? Is it that pudgy little 30 year old virgin from applications that’s always hanging out at Cafe Macs? Oh…ummm….I guess that doesn’t really narrow it down does it….

    18. Garnack says:

      Applesauce Night at the bar? Do you get girls to wrestle in it and stuff?

    19. Joe says:

      Sexbot and evil goat = crazy night.

      You really don’t want to know.

    20. UhhhDude says:

      Are these sources “open” sources? I mean, I’ve heard all about the open source movement, and I think it takes great courage to narc on Apple and do so openly, at constant risk of harrassment from Apple’s legal team.

      Unless, of course, the word “open” really means “will spill the beans if you buy me a drink” or “tell me about iPhone and I’ll let you feel me up.”

      ‘Cause that’s just wrong.

    21. DocWolfram says:

      Personally, I had a great night of undercover work.

      (Rats, missed 19 again; you people are just too active!)

    22. A Priest, a rabbi, and a dead prostitute says:

      Waaaay too much jager here… can’t remember much and would definitely like to know where this bruise came from.

    23. Anomynous says:

      It probably came from some sort of impact with a blunt object.

    24. OMGHAX says:


    25. Huh? says:

      Yeah, impacts with sharp objects tend to be a bit….. messier.

      moo (Pants™® with knives…. )

    26. blank says:

      The 10-year old Bushmills single-malt is great, no argument, but the 16-year old is the breakfast of champions!

      What kind of rice-a-roni was that, anyway?

    27. Dingus MaGee says:

      Um, that was, you know, in reference to the question of how was our night…

      …the got, you know, part…

      uh, TMI? srry

    28. Outrider says:

      Sexbot and evil goat? Sex with twin red haired japanese acrobat sexbots while setting evil goat on fire. Now that’s a meal

    29. Chris says:

      My night was pretty good, thanks. I saw the new Jackass movie. I didn’t suck donkey dick, but there’s a scene with a horse that comes pretty close. I almost tossed my cookies.

    30. Chris says:

      Jesus, I meant to say “IT [i.e., the movie] didn’t suck donkey dick.” Of course, I didn’t suck donkey dick. Don’t want folks to get the wrong impression of me.

    31. Obviously says:

      You know you’ve got problems when a description of your day includes, “I didn’t suck donkey dick”, implying that it happens often enough that you have to point out when it does not apply.

    32. Steve The Pirate says:

      Sex in a bar with a red bull in an applesauce ring. Sounds like a great night. Well done CARS!!!

    33. Rip Ragged says:

      Thursday night. Went to bed early. It’s difficult these days. I don’t have an asshole for a boss anymore so there’s nobody to hate. I thought about hating Steve Ballmer, but he isn’t a troublesome asshole or anything. I mean……BROWN?!?! Puh-leeze. Who is gonna share songs wirelessly? Zune owners are going to be harder to find than a glass of chardonnay at a tractor pull.

      I give up. What’s up with the applesauce. No more pie?

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