Following yesterday’s revelation that Apple executives forged documents relating to the issuance of stock options, the Financial Times reported today that the forgeries were specifically related to options granted to CEO Steve Jobs.
Later, though, the Apple world was further shocked to learn that Crazy Apple Rumors Site had falsified every report it had filed from Macworld for the past five years.
“Uh, we’ve actually never been to Macworld,” said a chastened editor-in-chief John Moltz. “I know it’s seemed like we have to some of our slower readers, but we think that if you go back and read our coverage again it will seem painfully obvious that we were actually filing those reports from a van outside of Pittsburgh while eating Cheez-Its and drinking warm Stroh’s from cans.”
“I mean, that iMac with the round base and the flat screen on an arm? We made that up! C’mon, people!”
Moltz apologized for deceiving CARS readers for five years but promised to make it up to them this year.
“In gesture of contrition, I will personally be attending Macworld this year,” Moltz said, “I’ll be there to provide the in-depth coverage that CARS readers have come to believe – incorrectly – that they can rely on.”
Moltz went on to apologize for what his attendance will mean for this coming Macworld.
“Consequently – by several laws of probability that govern this universe – this will be the lamest Macworld ever.
“There will be no Apple phone, no tablet device, no lightweight laptop. I predict there will be an iLife update and after Steve Jobs says ‘Oh, and… one more thing…’ every attendee will receive a kick to the groin. The entire keynote will be fifteen minutes long.”
Moltz again apologized.
Apple declined to comment for this story, but did seem intrigued by the kick to the groin idea.