28 Dec 06Apple World Rocked By More Scandal.

Following yesterday’s revelation that Apple executives forged documents relating to the issuance of stock options, the Financial Times reported today that the forgeries were specifically related to options granted to CEO Steve Jobs.

Later, though, the Apple world was further shocked to learn that Crazy Apple Rumors Site had falsified every report it had filed from Macworld for the past five years.

“Uh, we’ve actually never been to Macworld,” said a chastened editor-in-chief John Moltz. “I know it’s seemed like we have to some of our slower readers, but we think that if you go back and read our coverage again it will seem painfully obvious that we were actually filing those reports from a van outside of Pittsburgh while eating Cheez-Its and drinking warm Stroh’s from cans.”

“I mean, that iMac with the round base and the flat screen on an arm? We made that up! C’mon, people!”

Moltz apologized for deceiving CARS readers for five years but promised to make it up to them this year.

“In gesture of contrition, I will personally be attending Macworld this year,” Moltz said, “I’ll be there to provide the in-depth coverage that CARS readers have come to believe – incorrectly – that they can rely on.”

Moltz went on to apologize for what his attendance will mean for this coming Macworld.

“Consequently – by several laws of probability that govern this universe – this will be the lamest Macworld ever.

“There will be no Apple phone, no tablet device, no lightweight laptop. I predict there will be an iLife update and after Steve Jobs says ‘Oh, and… one more thing…’ every attendee will receive a kick to the groin. The entire keynote will be fifteen minutes long.”

Moltz again apologized.

Apple declined to comment for this story, but did seem intrigued by the kick to the groin idea.

40 Responses to “Apple World Rocked By More Scandal.”

  1. Magnanimous Wang says:

    First?

  2. Magnanimous Wang says:

    Eeeeeeexcellent. And John Moltz is John Gruber!

  3. Magnanimous Wang says:

    Gruber, John Moltz is his full name

  4. Carbonfish says:

    Should I say five now and just get it over with, or am I really four this time?

  5. Carbonfish says:

    Okay then… Five too.

  6. Rip Ragged says:

    He’s claiming he wasn’t at MacWorld to hide the fact that he’s really Steve Jobs. Wait. If Moltz is John Gruber, that means that John Gruber is also Steve Jobs. That puts everything in perspective. The green ones must really work.

    My wife almost bought me a pass to MacWorld this year. She must not know about the kick to the groin. Whew. That was close.

    I wonder if you can sell these things on eBay.

  7. Doom Pa De Do says:

    Seven is the new number one.

  8. alan says:

    8!

    A fan parked outside of Pittsburgh while eating Cheez-Its and drinking warm Stroh’s from cans? Thanks….. that hurts.

  9. Colonel Panic says:

    I wouldn’t mind having MacWorld on my front lawn.

    and 9th!

  10. aqua says:

    I rather like the idea of an iMac with screen height options. Now there’s an idea!

  11. Nxxx says:

    First Father Christmas and now John Moltz.
    Goodbye cruel world, and no bloody share options either.

  12. Ventzi says:

    Damn!
    If Moltz goes to Macworld, how are we supposed to get decent crazy coverage of it?
    My say: this is a disaster!!!

    meow

  13. Ventzi says:

    And Friday the 13th.

  14. chaz says:

    The groin, you say?

    Innnteresting..

  15. Streetrabbit says:

    None of us believe you’re going to Macworld and there’s nothing you can do to persuade us.

    Except maybe streaking onto the stage during the Jobs keynote.

  16. Vegetarian Coward says:

    Personally, I would love to see the Keynote turn into a horror movie. It starts out fine with Jobs talking about one more thing. Then the other personalities come out. The “Moltz” personality comes out and starts a live blog right there on stage making up crazy things like digital music players and “super drives.” Then Gruber comes out and starts kicking everyone in the nuts after crowd diving.

    That’s a keynote worth watching.

  17. OMGHAX says:

    Well, you owned up to it.

    Hey, that would be a pretty awesome keynote. It’d give those nerds a run for their money.

  18. A Priest, a Rabbi, and an aberrant catharsis says:

    Wait a minute. Hold the train. What part of these reports were fabricated?

    I’m shocked and appalled. My keyboard has a short in it, but I’m still appalled by your behaviour.

    Do you have anything to say for yourself Mr. Molz?…well, anything you haven’t already said?

    ummm….I guess you really covered it all. I just..just don’t know how to move on with my life now. Always questioning everything I read here not knowing if it is true or not.

    No iPhone or tablet device? Oh god.

  19. Too all-beef patty says:

    Forbes magazine reported this same story, but with details regarding the 1.2% decline in share value for common stock (B) of CARS. I’m ticked because my losses total over $4.00 and I was planning on my CARS portfolio to carry me through retirement.

    Once you’ve compromised your journalistic integrity by inventing sources and manipulating ‘facts’, it’s a slipperly slide to complete professional collapse, financial ruin, and life on the street. I’ll save you a seat near the heat duct.

  20. vitamin fortified says:

    Now will that kick in the groin be with steel-toed authentic cowboy boots or with pink fuzzy bunny slippers? It makes a difference you know.

    I wouldn’t eat that, I saw it wiggle just before you came in.

  21. UhhhDude says:

    “It starts out fine with Jobs talking about one more thing. Then the other personalities come out. The “Moltz” personality comes out and starts a live blog right there on stage making up crazy things like digital music players and “super drives.” Then Gruber comes out and starts kicking everyone in the nuts after crowd diving.”

    I like it. It’s like going to a midnight Rocky Horror Show viewing, but with better technology.

    And fewer men in fishnets and lipstick, too.

  22. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Shocked! I am shocked! I thought CARS coverage was for real and that the 20″ G4 iMac on my desktop was an Apple 20″ G4 iMac not a CARS 20″ G4 iMac.

    Has Phil Schiller been made aware of this development?

  23. monkeys says:

    OH, THE HUMANITY!!

  24. Rip Ragged says:

    Whew! Well! That’s over. Moltz is a total fraud. None of this is real. Now we can move on to more important topics. For instance, did anyone see a toupee go past here? Medium brown, with just enough gray to look natural. You might have mistaken it for a mutant squirrel. I think the cat has it again.

    Good mornin, Starshine. The earth says hello……

  25. Overclocked Lemon says:

    Wow. John just made what is quite possibly the most accurate prediction about a MacWorld keynote ever. At least to hear the blogomediaspherewebathonintarunit tell it.

  26. Future Istic says:

    If I knew what astonished was, I’m sure I’d be that, no question. In fact, let me check my dashboard dictionary (like dashboard confessions, but with less tawd and more “words”)

    Yup, that’s me, surprised and impressed greatly. Wait, not impressed… What’s the word for surprised and “would love some coffee right about now?”

  27. Anomynous says:

    It’s “editor-in-chief”. The hyphens are key.

    And if Moltz made up the iMac with the round base, what’s this thing on my desk?

    Oh, it’s a mound of mashed potatoes with a couple straws stuck in it and a sheet of paper on the ends.

    No wonder I couldn’t find any porn on the internet.

  28. Del says:

    At least tell us you are going to take Howard so there is a chance of some decent photos. He’s the perfect height to get candid boot the groin shots.

  29. Steelers fan says:

    Well, you almost got away with this, but the giveaway was your botching of an important detail … if you were actually filing reports from a van outside of Pittsburgh, you’d be drinking warm Iron City from cans, not Stroh’s. Gotcha! Next time, do your homework!

  30. John C. Randolph says:

    I’m told that a kick to the groin is considered a luxury in San Francisco.

    -jcr

  31. Vegetarian Coward says:

    “And fewer men in fishnets and lipstick, too.”

    I never mentioned how many personalities Jobs/Moltz/Gruber may have. This might just be the tip of the iceberg. “It” might not actually be a man?! Either way, I hope that use someone’s toothbrush|

  32. Rip Ragged says:

    Jobs/Moltz/Gruber is probably just a pseudonym. I’l bet while he was “on vacation” he was out hawking Zunes.

    Have you ever seen Moltz and Ballmer together? Well?

    Think about it. What’s the record for eating corn dogs in a single sitting?

    Has anyone ever built a scale model of a Space shuttle out of breakfast cereal?

    I think there may be more to this.

    Excuse me. It’s time for my medication.

  33. Del says:

    Sorry Rip I didn’t think you were taking it any more and I took the whole bottle. I also drank the stuff under your sink that had the neat green smily face like this 😛

    Wooohhooo look at all the pretty colors.

  34. Pittsburgh Bob says:

    What color was the van? I think I accidently dented your door, but you were too drunk to care…

  35. Rip Ragged says:

    Del,

    Be careful. When you start to see little people, be nice to them. I’m not sure what they’ll do, but they carry spinach rotini around with them in what I consider a menacing fashion.

    Oh, there’s my blanky.

  36. Huh? says:

    I keep running into things. It hurts, but I like it too much to stop.

    In addidtion, my left foot would like to audition for the groin kicking.

  37. FilmPhotoWeb says:

    Macworld actually happens in a big warehouse in Houston, the same one that NASA faked the moon landings in.

    36!

  38. Rip Ragged says:

    MacWorld is faked? Wow. When you think about it, that’s pretty good. I mean, you almost never see any women there, and guys never fake it. Anyway, that’s what I’ve been told. You know, I mean….well I never do anyway.

    I hear that this year his Steveness is going to introduce something that will really steal Zune’s thunder and erode Microsoft’s domination of the portable media market. I sure hope so. I always root for the underdog, renegade, rebel, upstart outsiders.

    I still want my money back for all that organic apple cider vinegar, though. A man has to have his principles.

  39. Cap'n Groucho says:

    It seems that nobody has spotted the double negative… This is Crazy Apple Rumours … if they’re all falsified, then they can’t be rumours and must, therefore, be truths!
    So the site should be renamed Crazy Apple Truths Site.
    Meow! 🙂

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