Apple Shares Fluctuate on Jobs News.

Apple shares took a rollercoaster ride today, the final results of which may not be realized for several days as investors sort out the rumors.

Apple’s stock tumbled early on news of a report on that said company officials forged documents related to the issuance of employee stock options and that CEO Steve Jobs had retained legal counsel in the affair. After further reports that Jobs was unlikely to be at risk and his decision to seek counsel was likely nothing more than a precautionary measure, shares rose around mid-day.

Shares fell again in early afternoon trading, however, after another web site reported that Jobs might actually be a chick. This speculation launched another class action suit against the company and Jobs, claiming the thought of him as a chick was “icky” and complaining “Oh, great, now we have that image in our heads and right after the holidays even, so thank you very much.”

Shares quickly rose in early mid-afternoon trading when the web site was revealed to be, a site specializing in information on…

…well, something that tends to make males involuntarily cross their legs and that it had actually said Jobs could be a chick with some surgery and estrogen.

This rise was to be short-lived as in the mid-mid-afternoon, shares fell again on news that Jobs had fallen into a deep funk about the mid-season cancellation of Lifetime’s Angela’s Eyes.

“Abigail Spencer is such a talented actress,” Jobs reportedly sighed, near tears. “And Dozer had a MacBook! Stupid network execs! Stupid, stupid, stupid!”

In the mid-afternoon, shares rose again when investors realized they had never even heard of Angela’s Eyes before and Jobs would probably snap out of it if they just got him into Veronica Mars.

Alas, their irrational exuberance proved unsustainable through early late afternoon when it was revealed in a hastily-convened press conference that Jobs was not – as many assumed – a nigh-omnipotent being sent by a dying alien race to save humans from their own failings.

Just as shares were plummeting again, the company announced in mid-late afternoon that Jobs was, in fact, the Greek god Prometheus and was here to deliver unimaginable technology that will elevate us from our current primitive state.

The market closed shortly thereafter, leaving shares up 0.01 on the day and the hands of numerous securities traders severely cramped.

35 thoughts on “Apple Shares Fluctuate on Jobs News.”

  1. Oh – 2nd and 3rd…but enough…I will back away now…might go somewhere quiet and watch my shares go up…..

  2. Dang it, John. I wanted six.

    Wait. Steve Jobs retained a lawyer? What’s that like. I’m retaining water, but I think it’s because I eat too much salt, or possibly Milk Duds. Did you ever wonder how much water is in Milk Duds? Me either. Steve Jobs could never be a chick. Sinead O’Connor already did that look, well, except for grey in the beard, and I’ve never even heard Jobso sing. I’ll bet he’d suck at Nothing Compares to You. Sinead O’Connor did, and it was her freaking song. Are you going to finish those french fries?

    I was at work while Apple’s stock was fluctuating. I remember thinking to myself, “Why the hell didn’t I put my lunch in the refrigerator?” Then it hit me. Somebody opened an office door as I was coming down the hall and the hot-file on the damned thing hit me right in the forehead. For the rest of the day people said the sore on my forehead looked like a rug burn. A rug burn on a forehead is a hell of a thing to explain away all day.

    Somebody get the door.

  3. I may be fluctuating between posting and not posting. I guess I am 14th. But may rise to 13th or drop all the way to 16th. Who knows. But I am not a chick. Hold on let me check. Yep, not a chick

  4. Gee thanks Rip, now I know how to explain the rug burns on my forehead.
    Boy are those embarrasing.

    Hey, are you going to eat those?

  5. All right, Rip. I’ve been very patient with you, but nobody talks mean about Sinéad O’Connor when I’m around.

    Although, technically, I guess I wasn’t around when you talked mean about her. So I guess you sorta slipped by this time. Too bad. I was really spoilin’ for a fight, too.

  6. Mr. Moltz,
    As this is the season of goodwill, the application for an extradition warrant on your person has been withdrawn. I admit to reconsidering when you rendered Å“strogen as estrogen, an offence I had the medical officer taken out and shot for in ’86 on the North West frontier.
    You will, of course be observed very closely in the New Year as the warrant can be reinstated or my Italian friends contacted.
    Disgusted Col Rtd

  7. And for the record “Nothing Compares 2 U” was written by Prince.

    And yes, the song was published with that retarded spelling.

    Wait – can we say “retarded” any more? Is that one of those words with which we grew up, but are no longer acceptable?

    I’m gettin’ old.

    Somebody pass me the Jameson’s


  8. Differently smart?

    I prefer “dumb as shit.” “Couldn’t find his ass with both hands in his back pockets” also works for me. For the most part, “retarded” is short and sweet, gets the job done with a minimum of larynx strain.

    “Nothing Compares 2 U” is definitely an indication of a subnormal intellect (retard). The spelling of the title isn’t even the worst part.

    Now you know why I haven’t been able to find work as a freelance music critic. Ever since John Bohnam died, I’ve been sort of casting about for decent new music.

  9. Oh, my. I didn’t know Steve Jobs stole the fire out of Mount Olympus! Don’t vultures eat out his intestines every day while he’s chained to a rock in the desert as a punishment from Zeus!?

  10. According to (a rumors site that speculates and reports on what Mr. Moltz is up to next), Mr. Molitz is actually Steve Jobs. Apparently, Molitz is “Jobs” backwards in the language Azerbaijani. Reputably, the secret intent of crazyapplerumors is to infiltrate the apple rumor community with fictitious rumors. Personally, I feel betrayed by Mr. Jobs/Molitz and am going to protest by waiting a full week before buying Apple’s latest offerings.

  11. John Moltz is Steve Jobs? Of course. Why didn’t I see that before? All the clues are there.

    “Moltz” and “Jobs” are spelled similarly: an “o” and a bunch of consonants.

    Neither “John Moltz,” nor “Steve Jobs” can be made into a decent anagram. “Phil Schiller,” on the other hand, can be rearranged into all kinds of stuff like “LECH SHILL RIP.”

    Moltz was absent during the time that Steve Jobs was reportedly hiring an attorney.

    You never see both of them in the TacomaDome at the same time.

    The square root of 3249 is 57.

    I’m embarrassed.

  12. Disquieted? Is that the same thing as being noisy? You should stay away from libraries. But yeah, I’m gonna have to find a new rumors site now that I know somebody’s just making this shit up. Hitherto, I thought Mr. Molitz’s speakings were as biblical at the kamasutra. These Molitz = Jobs thing is really throwing me for a loop, and I don’t mean an infinite loop.

    And when is my G6 coming out?

  13. Still doubting? “Steve Jobs” and “John Moltz” both have a total of 9 letters.

    Vaduz is the capital of Liechtenstein.

    The bark of an American elm is dark grayish-brown, becoming mottled ash-gray as the tree ages. The surface is deeply furrowed with broad obliquely intersecting ridges

    He wasn’t going to be able to hide forever.

    He kept the “J,” arrogantly thinking he could sneak it past unsuspecting readers. The “J” was a dead giveaway.

    Stop playing with that. You’ll go blind.

  14. Great. Now you tell me.

    Um. Who said that, by the way?

    And, now that I am blind, can I keep playing with it?

  15. Okay. But if you’re already blind I don’t think the flash attachment from my old Pentax is going to be much fun for you for long.

    Dammit. I’ve spent months on the feng shui and you’re not going to mess it up. No! The pentagram can’t be in the middle of the living room.

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