Apple issued its first quarter financial results today, announcing that it had set a record profit of $1 billion.
The announcement shattered windows throughout Cupertino as the company accelerated at an ever increasing rate, now headed inexorably toward infinite profitability.
Physicists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratories expressed their concern that the company was out of control, hurtling toward a theoretical threshold, the breaking of which might have vast implications in physics and accounting.
“The billion dollar threshold was the last thing holding them back!” exclaimed a visibly agitated Dr. Russell Springer.
“We have no idea what might happen if Apple breaks the infinite profitability barrier. Steve Jobs could be imbued with vast telekinetic powers or every spreadsheet on the planet could explode outward, destroying our system of corporate valuation in a planetary conflagration of flaming numbers.
“Either way, this is gonna be really boss! I can’t wait! Jerry’s in the break room microwaving some popcorn right now!”
Sources in Cupertino report that an impenetrable field of anti-protons has surrounded the Apple campus, preventing entrance or egress but protecting the company as it began its acceleration phase.
Sources also noted that “egress” is a cool word that doesn’t get used enough.
Apple declined to comment for this story but was heard to yell “AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!” shortly before there was a loud popping sound.