18 Jan 07Analysts Downgraded Apple On Second Quarter Outlook.

Despite Apple’s exceptional first quarter results which the company announced yesterday, its stock was down over five points today as analysts took a skeptical outlook on the second quarter.

While analysts were mostly just dubious that Apple could continue to sell 500 million iPods a quarter, the fact that the company’s second quarter guidance included plans to spend spring break “going wild” in Ft. Lauderdale probably did not help.

“In a twelve week quarter, you can’t afford to lose one whole week getting plastered and having sex with strangers,” said Piper Jaffray’s Gene Munster.

“And it’s not just that week. It’s bound to affect Apple’s performance after that. You don’t wake up with your head on a beer-soaked night stand in a hotel you’re not registered in with your panties around your ankles and then immediately go back to hawking products.

“Well, unless you’re Paris Hilton! Ooh! Boo-yah!”

Apple, however, said that it had worked hard all semester and deserved to “blow off a little steam.”

“It’s not easy selling 900 million iPods,” the company said, “And if I want to reward myself by entering a wet t-shirt contest, making out with other hot chicks on camera and throwing up on in the back of a police van, that’s my decision!”

Several analysts downgraded Apple today from “outperform” to “slut.”

No Responses to “Analysts Downgraded Apple On Second Quarter Outlook.”

  1. Spidey says:

    First Post!

  2. Spidey says:

    Great job on the site, by the way, John.

  3. vitamin fortified says:

    Top 5. With a 1 billion dollars in the bank, Apple is not a slut but a high-priced hoe.

    And I think analyst are just mad Apple didn’t choose a high class locale to get pissy drunk such as the Caribbean. But can you blame Apple, what if Phil wondered off with some cabana boys as everyone else made their way back to the cruise ship?

  4. John Moltz says:

    Thanks. I… put it together myself… out of some stuff I cut out of Boy’s Life, some pipe cleaners and a couple of popsicle sticks.

    And glitter.

  5. Carbonfish says:

    Okay, this time no joking around! FIVE! Now I’ll go read.

  6. moksha says:

    Eighty fourth! Sixth? Maybe…

  7. moksha says:

    I did it!

    That’s not fair, remember that sluts can outperform too.

  8. John Moltz says:

    Hmm. You may have a point.

    Actually, now that I think about it, do they do anything else?

  9. vitamin fortified says:

    Yeah, and they usually beat the street as well.

    No,no, no. You drink the blue one and you mop the floors with the navy one.

  10. Rip Ragged says:

    Obviously this is all related to Steve Jobs’ disastrous announcements at MacWorld.

    Let’s face it. Apple TV isn’t ready yet. The pizza is ready. Coffee’s ready. Helen Reddy. Rough and Ready. Ready or not here I come. Reddy Kilowatt. Ready-made, ready-cash, ready-mix.

    But I digress. The simple fact of the matter is that argyle socks don’t go well with anything. However they make excellent coffee. I think I mentioned coffee.

    If we have everything straight, I’ll go to bed.

    Who took my pickle juice?

    √-1 th

  11. Rip Ragged says:

    John, sorry. Great job on the site. Nice haircut, too. Have you lost weight?

    Two more orders, please.

  12. Nxxx says:

    Terribly disappointed.

    Had imagined that Apple Executives spent twelve weeks out of twelve getting plastered and having sex with strangers.

    Have to see my careers teacher yet again.

  13. Ace Deuce says:

    Allow me to quote my message from a week ago:

    “Ace Deuce Says:
    January 12th, 2007 at 9:14 am

    Apple’s got something going on the side, I’m sure of it. We should hire a private investigator to see what’s going on. It was bad enough when we found out about AT&T and Intel and Google.

    Let’s face it. Apple is a slut.”

    Apparently some analysts are paying too much attention to what catty commenters say on CARS, so everybody out there: be sure to speculate profusely and sway the market as may please you.

  14. alan says:

    Also Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie…

  15. Too all-beef patty says:

    “Apple is not a slut but a high-priced hoe.”

    I don’t understand the reference to gardening tools.

  16. Streetrabbit says:

    In production at Pixar, “The Real Cancun Toy Story.”


  17. Ahnyer Keester says:

    Actually it is a lot of work partying like that. Apple is just falling for the MTV promoted illusion of the “fun life”. Spring break will not help our little princess do better in the coming quarter. Apple will have to come back from spring break and then take a week off to recuperate.

    Why can’t Apple just date that nice Kevin Klingman who lives a block over instead of hanging with all those wild people. Good looks don’t last forever you know.

    Look what happened to Wordperfect after that 1989 spring break stint. Never been the same since.

  18. Steve G. says:

    Aah, to be 18 again. OK, but I’ll take being #18.

    Just remember: a slut is someone who sleeps with everyone, and a bitch is someone who sleeps with everyone but you.

  19. DimBulb says:

    Isn’t there a toothbrush involved, too?


  20. Del says:

    Mr. Moltz, The Giga-Post seems to be broken. Can you fix it? I really don’t think it was our fault this time. Sure the irradiated giant badgers were irritated and went on a bloody rampage, and the backhoe cut through all those wires and cables, but I don’t see how that should affect the Giga-Post.


  21. That Cranky Old Man says:

    Hey! Get your panties off my lawn!


  22. vitamin fortified says:

    Cranky, thanks. I thought we dropped a pair as we were carousing down streets on the backhoe.

    Do badgers get jealous because we rather pet beavers?

  23. Dos DUDE says:

    Word Perfect? I’m still not over Wordstar!

  24. Huh? says:

    I’m a bit upset. My Pants™ come back from an extended holiday, and Apple stock tanks. *sigh*

    My Pants™ tell me that it is quite unrelated, and I shoudn’t worry about people calling me a slut.

  25. Nanny 911 says:

    I’m a bit concerned that Apple is modeling its behaviour after the Bush twins. Not a good template, them.

  26. blank says:

    “Corporations Gone Wild!!!”

    Thanks John, for having more self-control than I have today.

  27. Too all-beef patty says:

    Hoes and back-hoes. Now there’s a choice.

    This is not a place to visit if you’re short on self-control.

    My mother once worked at a shipyard, but that was a long time ago.

  28. Rip Ragged says:

    Too right, TABP.

    Short on self-control is a decidedly negative attribute. In fact, if you’re unusually short in any measurable aspect, this place can be harsh.

    First dibs on the leftover green beans.

  29. vitamin fortified says:

    That is the sad part of being short, always the longing for something else.

    If you are not going to eat that, can I use it to grout the bathroom?

  30. Rip Ragged says:


    If Apple wants a debauchery break it’s okay with me. But I wish it would get back to making the stock price go up pretty soon.

    Wow. Nice baseboards.

  31. NWJR says:

    I was downgraded once by a slut. Does that count?

  32. Rip Ragged says:

    Once? That’s how I spent my early twenties.

    Mmmmm. Gourmet-style beenie-weenies.

  33. scarpe says:

    Ich besichtige deinen Aufstellungsort wieder bald fur sicheres!