An uncharacteristically chastened Steve Jobs was forced to admit today that the Apple TV was, indeed, nothing but vaporware and will never be coming.
According to sources close to the usually mercurial Apple CEO, Apple TV is the product of his hyperactive imagination, invented of whole cloth and demoed through the use of smoke and mirrors (in several cases literally).
“Steve carved the demo units out of balsa wood,” senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller told Crazy Apple Rumors Site. “He spray-painted them in his garage and even pressed the Apple logo and letters on the units himself with a special Letraset sheet. He made the whole thing up.
“Didn’t you?!” Schiller loudly asked Jobs, who was standing meekly next to him. Jobs winced and shuffled uncomfortably.
“And he’s a very, very bad boy!” Schiller added. “Don’t you have something to say to everyone who ordered an Apple TV?”
“I’m sorry.” Jobs mumbled, looking down at his Nikes. “But…”
“Oh, don’t you ‘but’ me, young man!” Schiller said. “Or I will give you something to be sorry about!”
“I said I’m already sorry!” Jobs whined. “And, hey, I write your review!”
“Don’t you sass me!” Schiller responded. “Just you wait until the board gets home! No more options for you, mister! And don’t even think about using the Lear jet. You are grounded!”
“Oh, this is so bogus!” Jobs replied.
Schiller said the company just didn’t understand where it went wrong with Steve that he would attempt to sell a product that was clearly impossible to manufacture.
When told that there were actually several other products already on the market that, while lacking Apple’s signature ease-of-use, provide similar functionality, Schiller cut reporters off and suggested they “talk to the hand.”
Other than Schiller, Jobs, several other executives and a bunch of engineers and people in marketing, Apple declined to comment for this story.