14 Mar 07Apple TV Never Coming.

An uncharacteristically chastened Steve Jobs was forced to admit today that the Apple TV was, indeed, nothing but vaporware and will never be coming.

According to sources close to the usually mercurial Apple CEO, Apple TV is the product of his hyperactive imagination, invented of whole cloth and demoed through the use of smoke and mirrors (in several cases literally).

“Steve carved the demo units out of balsa wood,” senior vice president of worldwide marketing Phil Schiller told Crazy Apple Rumors Site. “He spray-painted them in his garage and even pressed the Apple logo and letters on the units himself with a special Letraset sheet. He made the whole thing up.

“Didn’t you?!” Schiller loudly asked Jobs, who was standing meekly next to him. Jobs winced and shuffled uncomfortably.

“And he’s a very, very bad boy!” Schiller added. “Don’t you have something to say to everyone who ordered an Apple TV?”

“I’m sorry.” Jobs mumbled, looking down at his Nikes. “But…”

“Oh, don’t you ‘but’ me, young man!” Schiller said. “Or I will give you something to be sorry about!”

“I said I’m already sorry!” Jobs whined. “And, hey, I write your review!”

“Don’t you sass me!” Schiller responded. “Just you wait until the board gets home! No more options for you, mister! And don’t even think about using the Lear jet. You are grounded!”

“Oh, this is so bogus!” Jobs replied.

Schiller said the company just didn’t understand where it went wrong with Steve that he would attempt to sell a product that was clearly impossible to manufacture.

When told that there were actually several other products already on the market that, while lacking Apple’s signature ease-of-use, provide similar functionality, Schiller cut reporters off and suggested they “talk to the hand.”

Other than Schiller, Jobs, several other executives and a bunch of engineers and people in marketing, Apple declined to comment for this story.

40 Responses to “Apple TV Never Coming.”

  1. Anonymous says:

    Firtsest. Not that I care.

  2. John Moltz says:

    Oh, sure you don’t.

  3. Carbonfish says:

    I hate when I do that!

  4. Ryan says:

    fizzle!!! I want my damn Apple TV!!!

  5. redeyebase says:

    wow! am I late or what? oh well, still top 10.

  6. I stole an Apple TV and made to totally boss pinewood derby cars out of it!

  7. Carbonfish, you really were #3, but Moltz just stole your place when you weren’t looking. Why he cut behind you instead of in front of you, I don’t know, but such is the way of the Wild Moltz.

  8. redeyebase says:

    Lear jet? hmm… i think not. i think G5.

  9. Rip Ragged says:

    Okay, I’m late. So what is this, 6, 12, 23?

    I care. I frickin’ really care. Really REALLY. I care so much I might wet my pants from the stress and anguish of unmitigated caring.

    And if I don’t get an AppleTV pretty soon, I’m going to go next door and flatten those two yapping little rat-faced dogs with my snow shovel. Wait. What a great idea. Of course then I’ll have to think of a new threat. Dang.

    I’ll take Blah, Blah, Blah for whatchamacallit, Alex.

  10. John Moltz says:

    I really need to get Masako to come up with some WordPress plugin that skips my comments in the counting.

  11. Huh? says:

    “…skips my comments…”

    Not gonna go there. No siree…

    No way.. Nope.

    Well, maybe later.

  12. Streetrabbit says:

    If only the same were true for Mighty Mouse.

    There’ll still be a flying car though? Right?

  13. Panduemonium says:

    I be thinkin’ Where does the Moltz come up with this inside stuff. Time is too short for this waitin’ stuff. We all want that iTV s**t NOW. You, Moltz, you have that Jobs guys ear… well don’t you… give it back so we all can have iTV now…. gahd i hate the hype… but mostly the waitin’ And Who in the H**l started this ordinal stuff? huh? 13, 14 15 who in the h**l cares?? Well maybe “moltz” does. And who is he? Well– eeerrr- I guess he has “The jobs” ear.

  14. 2000guitars says:

    Why should I “talk to the hand”. There’s no telling where it’s been…

  15. Nxxx says:

    Send your donations to the ‘Save Steve from the evil Schiller Fund’ to:

    John Moltz,

    CARS Towers

    etc.

    Don’t forget my cut, John.

  16. Huh? says:

    You called, Panduemonium?

    Oh, and forget the hand, talk to the Pants™.

    They’re great conversationalists.

    Really.

  17. Ace Deuce says:

    “I really need to get Masako to come up with some WordPress plugin that skips my comments in the counting.”

    John, just roll up your shirtsleeves (you are wearing a shirt, I hope) and edit the HTML directly. Since you most often comment on things already in the page, you could insert your editorial comments within the comments upon which you are commenting, setting them off with distinctive brackets. {You mean, like this? –Ed.}

    Yeah, like that.

  18. Wysz says:

    “…looking down at his Nikes.”

    I thought the Nikes were just temporary for the Nike/iPod announcement. Isn’t Steve a New Balancer?

  19. chris says:

    Got bad news for you all, but the a/i(ei-ei-oh)TV is going to suck the hairy sweaty balls of a thousand camels.

    It’s High Def, but there is no High Def content that you can stream to it.

    You can put songs on it, but only from one computer (or is it two… frigging DRM!)

    The interface is going to be the best looking part of it.

    You can’t record TV on it, so it won’t replace your TiVO. You can place shift on it, so it won’t remove the slingbox from your house if you have one.

    As I said in my “why do they call this Macworld, when there all that is new here is non mac related stuff” rant, this is a solution, drunk in a bar alone at 2am, desperately waiting for a problem in a brown paper bag to come through the door.

    Don’t even get me started on how bad the photo’s looked on the HDTV’s at Macworld.

    So needless to say, I am glad it was just some sick and twisted prank by Jobs.

    Hopefully the iPhone was just a joke as well. Because if not, you are going to have to carry 3 extra batteries around with it just to get through your day. I’m sorry, what did you say? You can change the battery on the iPhone? It has something like a 5 hour battery life, and you can’t replace the battery? Hmmm 499 for a 4 gig iPod that isn’t really an iPod, that also makes (very brief) phone calls, and can “communicate” with the internet at speeds like it’s 1999, and it comes with a craptacular touch screen keyboard! And if you buy soon, we will through in the security of never having to worry about running a third part app on the phone, even though it is running “OS X”.

    Could someone call me a cab?

    Chris

  20. pauldwaite says:

    Man, that naughty boy stuff was SO HOT.

  21. NWJR says:

    When “Chris” (#20) learns to breathe, he should really learn the difference between “can” and “can’t”. I haven’t read such an incoherent post since the last time I dropped by Enderle’s site.

  22. Streetrabbit says:

    He is right though, those camels…sheesh!

  23. Lurker says:

    Well, if not one else is going to do it…

    You’re a cab.

  24. drdreg says:

    Jeez, do any of you people ever get out?

  25. OMGHAX says:

    Talk to the hand!

    Hi!

  26. Biff Whammy says:

    I once tried to make a point by saying, “Call me crazy, but …” Unfortunately, I was promptly cut off by a colleague who said, “Okay, Crazybutt.” Fortunately, it was near the end of my student career. Unfortunately, it made a great icebreaker that I had to stop using when I left town, since nobody knew what the hell I was talking about.

    Okay, back to nuclear physics. I mean puppies. Yeah, that’s it. Puppies. No nuclear physics research going on here. Just move on.

  27. A Priest, A Rabbi, and a First Prize Winner in the Special Olympics says:

  28. JT says:

    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    (said like Darth Vader)

  29. Gary says:

    Steve wears New Balance, get your facts straight! And you call yourself a rumor site. Sheesh.

  30. Del says:

    Wait does that mean I have to return mine?

  31. Streetrabbit says:

    No Del, you can keep your New Balances.

  32. Psyko says:

    Oooooooooh, did I hear my name!?

    No?

    Aw shucks.

    Ooooooh, wait, what was that? Did I just hear Moltz announce the bagel shirt?

    No? Not that either?

    Dang it.

    Crimany people, what’s your problem?

    MARK

  33. Doom Pa De Dum says:

    The Apple TV will be shipping soon, in all of its balsa wood glory. It might not do much, but it’s light.

  34. Rip Ragged says:

    Chris,

    We love you. Really. We’re your friends. Just slip your arms into this nice jacket. Gently. It will be all right.

    If you guys have him, I’m going to go lure the neighbor’s yapping mongrels into a mole trap with a pound of raw steak. Back soon.

  35. Streetrabbit says:

    I’m with Chris. I’ve not seen the specs on the balsa version of iTV, aTV whatever but I’ll bet the big toe of my left foot (the one with the cute freckles that looks like a teddy bear) is meatier than the bogus model seen at MacWorld.

    Also anyone who thinks I’m ditching my Treo for an iPhone can line up for a punch over there. And I don’t mean the fruity kind.

    Them’s fightin’ words.

  36. Streetrabbit says:

    And yes I did mean my left big toe is meatier than the bogus iTV.

  37. ZED says:

    Are we talking “pressed meat”, or just plain old meat?

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