23 Mar 07Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.

Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.

We were out a little late last night with the Seattle Xcoders, so we’re going to run some repeat questions from old Help Desk episodes.

First up, it’s the summer of love, 1967!


Q: I’m recently bought an Apple -X and I’m having trouble getting it to read my paper tape. I can get the program punched onto the tape OK, but when I feed all 165 feet back in to get it to print out an ASCII picture of kitty, the tape gets mangled.

A: That’s a known issue with the -X. They’re expected to announce the Apple -IX next quarter which is supposed to fix that. Do you have $10,000?

Q: Um, let me see… Yes!

A: OK, then I’d just wait for that. You know, as great as the Apple -IX is going to be, just think… some day they’ll actually hit positive numbers.

Q: Wow! I wonder what that far off future world will be like?!

A: Well, no one knows for sure, but it’s pretty obvious that computers will think and be able to talk to you.

Q: Cool!

A: Yeah. War, of course, will be a thing of the past as the world will be led by a sage council of wizened elders in flowing robes.

Q: Huh. What will they wear under the robes?

A: Crotchless leather pants.

Q: Wh-huh? Why would they…

A: DO NOT QUESTION THE ELDERS!

Q: I’m not, I just think it’s kind of weird that…

A: UNBELIEVER! UNBELIEVER! GUARDS! CALL THE GUARDS!

Q: Ooh, so there will be thought police in the future?

A: Yeah, that was pretty much my point there.


Ha-ha! Well, at least we got that last part right!

Now here’s a classic from 1945! Who can forget the Apple iENIAC?


Q: I recently purchased an Apple iENIAC which has been great. I mean, it only takes me a couple of weeks to configure the vacuum tubes in the right places to get it to add two integers!

A: I know! And it’s only $530,000!

Q: Right! The problem I’ve been having is reaching Apple tech support.

A: Oh, that’s probably because 800 numbers haven’t been invented yet.

Q: Ah. I thought it might be because I have a party line.

A: Well, that’s probably not helping.

Q: So, what can I do in the mean time?

A: Uh, you mean between now and the 1960s?

Q: Yes.

A: You should avail yourself of the services of one of the many fine traveling Apple technical support and Fuller brush salesmen.

Q: Oh, but I can’t.

A: Uh… why?

Q: Because I’m a farmer.

A: Huh?

Q: And I have a daughter.

A: Oh.

Q: Yeah.

A: I can see where you might expect problems. But, wait, where did you get $530,000?

Q: Oh, I happened to be at Roswell when the aliens landed and the government paid me off.

A: Good for you!


And here’s one I’ll never forget from the year 10,045 BC!


Q: Me have trouble with Apple iStone. It sometimes not kill antelope.

A: You throw it hard?

Q: Of course me throw it hard!

A: You show.

Q: OK. Aaaaaaahhhh UHN!

A: You call that throw?! Throw it like early man!

Q: Grrr! OK. OK. Me not warmed up before. Now me warm. Here me go. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH UHNNNN!!!

A: Dude, there nothing wrong with iStone. You just throw like australopithecus.

Q: Nnn. Well, what if me upgrade to iStone Pro?

A: Ha-ha! You think you need iStone Pro when you throw like little australopithecus girl?!

Q: Me gonna smash you with iStone!

A: Ha! That bit scary threat, Lucy!


Ah, that really takes me back!

39 Responses to “Friday Feature: Crazy Apple Help Desk.”

  1. 2000guitars says:

    First POSTest with the MOSTest

  2. 2000guitars says:

    Crapola.

    May the fleas of a thousand camels infest thee.

  3. John Moltz says:

    He’s a fish. Maybe he’d get scale mites.

  4. Carbonfish says:

    Fish made of carbon do NOT get mites of any kind!

    Sheesh.

  5. John Moltz says:

    Oooh, la-la-la. Well, ex-cuse me, princess!

  6. Carbonfish says:

    Great! Re-reading my post just made me think of carbonite by association and now I’m going to have the image of Han Solo’s tortured grimace stuck in my head the rest of the night.

    Oh yeah John… it’s “no one knows for sure”…

    I mean, I’m just sayin’….

  7. John Moltz says:

    Where ya been?

  8. Rip Ragged says:

    Okay. Now I’ve read the post, and the replies. NOW can I have dessert?

    Fish made of carbon may not get mites, but they make lousy cioppino, so what’s the difference?

    Waiter there’s a fly rod in my soup.

  9. John Moltz says:

    Ah, but it takes know one to… know know one.

    Mmm?

  10. John Moltz says:

    Shh! Everyone will want one!

    For the fishing!

  11. John Moltz says:

    I had fish and chips for lunch today and Chet and I were remarking how “Fission Chips” would be a great name for a band.

  12. John Moltz says:

    Oh, crap, I’m comment stacking.

    Sorry, everyone.

    Sorry.

  13. John Moltz says:

    I’ll just go to bed.

    It’s all yours, Australia!

  14. Rip Ragged says:

    I had an Apple -IV. I have to say that OS -5.0 was the best two-bit system on the planet in those days.

    Let’s see. I had to jiggle the handle on the upstairs toilet, kick two cats and write on my other bloggy thingy.

    Note: I’m thinking of becoming a protestant. That way when I have a cheeseburger and two beers at lunch on Friday, the beer is a sin instead of the sandwich. I just think it will be more fun that way.

    I’ll take Things That Make No Sense for a little while, Alex.

  15. Carbonfish says:

    G’night JohnBoy!

  16. redeyebase says:

    Well, everyone seems to have back from vacation, and now they’re going to sleep. Me and my lonesome……

  17. Huh? says:

    iStone.

    Now THAT’S some funny stuff!

    My Pants™ find you amusing, John Moltz.

    …and that’s a good thing.

  18. Rip Ragged says:

    Remember: Life doesn’t give you anything you can’t handle until you marry Roseanne Barr.

  19. Ace Deuce says:

    Ugluk know how throw iStone!

  20. OMGHAX says:

    The iENIAC is here!? Quick, someone call John von Neumann! Time to calculate some cross-sections!

  21. 42! says:

    On a random note, Steve Jobs is a ninja! It’s even revealed by ninjas.

  22. Nxxx says:

    iStone Pro versus Apple Cinema.

    My money is on the stone.

  23. Chas says:

    Hey, back in 1967, we didn’t have no fancy newfangled ASCII for printing out graphics on the line printers, we used EBCDIC, and we LIKED it.

  24. scared monster, pretending something he can't remember exactly, says:

    My, these ninja move like kung-fu crap.

    Hey, who stole my Syd Barrett ASCII poster ? It was hanging there !

  25. A Priest, a rabbi, and Lucy says:

    “You just throw like australopithecus”

    a master of insults regardless of the era. brilliant!

  26. NWJR says:

    LOL @ “Lucy”.

  27. nonlinearG says:

    What no 1937 to 42 recollection of library.upenn.edu/exhibits/rbm/mauchly/jwm7.html.

    Atanasoff (or Atanasov) and Berry the Steveness and Wozziness of the day. The basement of the Phisics Building not a garage. It was programed in binary, most people in that region could only use their hands to count, the value of fingers was not well recognized (picking corn, milking cows, etc but not counting).

    “Field of Dreams” should have had Geeks coming out of the cornfields with tapes from Tally punch/readers. They would be knowledgeable in the Cyclone Big 8 with a Basic Language. A lot of H-P people were innoculated in the EE building at ISU. I for Iowa. They never recovered. Or did they?

    Reality should be strictly regulated.

  28. ZED says:

    @nonlinear — You certainly live up to your name! Huh? I get the HelpDesk, not so much with t’other…

  29. chris says:

    slow rumors year.

  30. Angus MacSpon says:

    Hey, did Ugluk have one of those iStones, way back then?

    (If it comes to that, was that Ugluk running the help desk back then? Because … surely … it couldn’t have been him … ASKING the question … surely?)

  31. I realize that it’s sort of absurd to nitpick a Help Desk whose central tenet is alternate timelines, but aliens crashed at Roswell in 1947.

  32. Kevin says:

    So the government paid off the farmer in the second story because he was at Roswell in 1945, huh? Why? What happened then? The “aliens” didn’t “crash” until 1947…

  33. Joe #2 says:

    They just want you to think they didn’t crash until 1947.

    They crashed in 1945 first. See they have time travel devices and they went back in time to visit us.

    They crashed the first time. (It appears they were using Microsoft ME)

    Then in ’47 they came back with new software. They crashed again. (Vista)

    They are apparently trying to do it again with Ubunto.

  34. Del says:

    You’ll notice that the article stated “When the aliens landed” not when they crashed. Aliens had been landing at Roswell for many years before the infamous crash.

    Now I hear the black helicopters outside so I need to dissapear for a few days.

  35. Lurker says:

    Carbonfish on a stick! ‘snot really good eat’n, to tell the truth. Besides it isn’t easy sticking a stick in a carbon fish. They’re too hard. I had to end up pushing the stick down his gullet and that made me lose my appetite. Yech.

    On the other hand maybe a little ketchup would help. Maybe with a bisque recipie and a touch of lemon.

    And a hammer.

  36. kingthedestroyer says:

    Well, I had no idea that CARS predated the internet, how old is Moltz, or is it Methusela.

  37. Outrider says:

    Roswell was in 1947. At least in my timeline

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