Every Friday, the staff at Crazy Apple Rumors Site answers common help questions based on our vast experience with Apple products and our fervent belief that we know more than you do.
We were out a little late last night with the Seattle Xcoders, so we’re going to run some repeat questions from old Help Desk episodes.
First up, it’s the summer of love, 1967!
Q: I’m recently bought an Apple -X and I’m having trouble getting it to read my paper tape. I can get the program punched onto the tape OK, but when I feed all 165 feet back in to get it to print out an ASCII picture of kitty, the tape gets mangled.
A: That’s a known issue with the -X. They’re expected to announce the Apple -IX next quarter which is supposed to fix that. Do you have $10,000?
Q: Um, let me see… Yes!
A: OK, then I’d just wait for that. You know, as great as the Apple -IX is going to be, just think… some day they’ll actually hit positive numbers.
Q: Wow! I wonder what that far off future world will be like?!
A: Well, no one knows for sure, but it’s pretty obvious that computers will think and be able to talk to you.
A: Yeah. War, of course, will be a thing of the past as the world will be led by a sage council of wizened elders in flowing robes.
Q: Huh. What will they wear under the robes?
A: Crotchless leather pants.
Q: Wh-huh? Why would they…
A: DO NOT QUESTION THE ELDERS!
Q: I’m not, I just think it’s kind of weird that…
A: UNBELIEVER! UNBELIEVER! GUARDS! CALL THE GUARDS!
Q: Ooh, so there will be thought police in the future?
A: Yeah, that was pretty much my point there.
Ha-ha! Well, at least we got that last part right!
Now here’s a classic from 1945! Who can forget the Apple iENIAC?
Q: I recently purchased an Apple iENIAC which has been great. I mean, it only takes me a couple of weeks to configure the vacuum tubes in the right places to get it to add two integers!
A: I know! And it’s only $530,000!
Q: Right! The problem I’ve been having is reaching Apple tech support.
A: Oh, that’s probably because 800 numbers haven’t been invented yet.
Q: Ah. I thought it might be because I have a party line.
A: Well, that’s probably not helping.
Q: So, what can I do in the mean time?
A: Uh, you mean between now and the 1960s?
A: You should avail yourself of the services of one of the many fine traveling Apple technical support and Fuller brush salesmen.
Q: Oh, but I can’t.
A: Uh… why?
Q: Because I’m a farmer.
Q: And I have a daughter.
A: I can see where you might expect problems. But, wait, where did you get $530,000?
Q: Oh, I happened to be at Roswell when the aliens landed and the government paid me off.
A: Good for you!
And here’s one I’ll never forget from the year 10,045 BC!
Q: Me have trouble with Apple iStone. It sometimes not kill antelope.
A: You throw it hard?
Q: Of course me throw it hard!
A: You show.
Q: OK. Aaaaaaahhhh UHN!
A: You call that throw?! Throw it like early man!
Q: Grrr! OK. OK. Me not warmed up before. Now me warm. Here me go. AAAAAAAAAHHHHHH UHNNNN!!!
A: Dude, there nothing wrong with iStone. You just throw like australopithecus.
Q: Nnn. Well, what if me upgrade to iStone Pro?
A: Ha-ha! You think you need iStone Pro when you throw like little australopithecus girl?!
Q: Me gonna smash you with iStone!
A: Ha! That bit scary threat, Lucy!
Ah, that really takes me back!